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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XII
50¢
December 7th, 2011
Dear Readers, This week, the entire Medium editorial staff traveled to sunny Tampa, Florida for the Reviving Education Through Applications of Rhetoric, Diction and Satire convention. While we didn't want to leave you guys high and dry in this last full week of the semester, we couldn't make the paper while attending the convention. So, we had our Business Manager, Joey Threlfall, stay behind and make the issue all by himself. We thought it would be a great opportunity for him to give writing a try. We didn't get a chance to review this before shipping it out to the printer, but we think Joey is good enough to create some smart, high quality comedy. Enjoy! The Medium Editorial Board
GUN SHOW
BUSINESS MANAGER'S BICEPS 'TOTALLY EXPLODING' AT THE GYM BY J.T. BLOOD'N'GUTS BUSINESS MANAGER
Easton ave gym— Reports from eyewitness accounts say that at approximately 4:30 yesterday afternoon, Joey Threlfall’s biceps reached their ultra mega extreme Vo2 max and exploded while in the College Ave gym. The explosion, called “a religious experience” by some, resulted in about $50,000 worth of property damage while the drag forces it generated blew off the clothes of several gym patrons, particularly the women. No casualties were reported, but bystanders, who are now being referred to as “The Chosen Ones,” have been left in a mix of overwhelming emotional conditions. Sophomore Josh Rinehart was still in tears while being
GRAY BAR
GEORGE ST—In an act of heroism on par with Superman, Batman and Santa Claus, Medium Business Manager Joey Threlfall saved countless lives after stopping a careening Rutgers bus whose brakes failed en route to the Rutgers Student Center. "I don't know what happened," said Erik Mansouri, the driver of the EE route bus. "The brakes failed and I thought we would crash. I bailed out of my seat and tried to brace myself, but then all of a sudden, we just slowed down. I looked out the window and there was this very handsome man holding the bus in place!" "It was nothing," said Threlfall. "I was only doing what any good-looking muscular guy
'Hot chick better be serving at dining hall,' says Joey BY SUM DUM JOEY BUSINESS MANAGER
BUSCH—With Wednesday coming around again, local handsome man Joey Threlfall is setting his sights on the best place in the entire university. “I’m looking to head straight to the crepe station, where the hot blond chick always works,” said Threlfall, a senior. “I don’t care how long I have to wait. I’m getting a strawberry crepe with all the fixings!” The server in question, Ashley Warren, an SAS sophomore, interviewed several hours after his bitch tits. “Do you under- is currently unaware of her hot stand? I’m only 20 years old! chick status. the incident. “I just can’t put myself to- There’s so much meaningless Despite this, co-workers gether,” said Rinehart, who said life left ahead of me now that and superiors from the dining he was at the gym to shape up Continued on Page 2 hall agree that her attractiveness is well above standard. “I think it’s a combination of a number of factors,” said Tim Andrews, student manager of Busch Dining Hall. “First, the red shirt we gave her was a size too small and so nothing is left to the imagination, if you know what I mean. Also, the attractiveness of the other employees is ridiculously inverse to her relative attractiveness, with all the timid international students and plump engineers, it’s nice to have something to look at when I’m restocking ketchup bottles.” But, according to Threlfall, one major factor keeps him coming back to the dining hall on crepe night. “It’s a chick in a tight shirt plopping loads of whipped cream onto people’s plates. If any of it splashes onto her, I have to eat my dinner with my coat over my lap.” Sources close to Joey note would do in that situation. I of innocent people with their mean, doesn't everyone have the bare hands by themselves? They that his girlfriend may make a suprise appearance at Busch, ability to stop a two-ton bus full don't? Well, aren't I special!" voiding any plans for crepes.
Threlfall stops bus with bare hands BY Dan "Jo-Man" Chog jr. business manager
FOOD
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