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NOVEMBER 2ND, 2016
Volume LII Issue VIII 50¢ THIRST TRAP AHEAD
FOUNTAIN DRINK MACHINE RUNS OUT OF FLAVORED SYRUP BY RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
PISCATAWAY—Rutgers School of Engineering sophomore Julia Hernandez reportedly experienced yet another crushing disappointment last night at the dining hall on Busch campus. After three different types of soda at the fountain drink machine didn’t have any flavored syrup, Hernandez decided to just get a water and go back to her table. Hernandez went to the dining hall with three friends from class after a long day of studying in the Library of Science and Medicine. After an intense six-hour long Thermodynamics review, all she wanted was a crisp, refreshing glass of Diet Coca-Cola on ice with her pasta. After filling a fresh glass to the brim with ice and Diet Coke, Hernandez happily went back to sit with her friends. Just when she thought she was about to
TOTAL DEVASTATION Julia Hernandez cries over the poor quality of Busch's fountain drinks
take a sip of her sweet treat, her world was shattered when it just tasted like brown carbonated water. “I couldn’t believe it,” said Hernandez, with tears welling in her eyes. “It just tasted terrible. It wasn’t sweet at all; it was just fizzy colored water.” This wasn’t the end of her disappointment. After
walking all the way back to the soda machine, she decided to try something else. “I’ll have a regular Coke then, right? What the hell! I deserve this,” she said. “So, I filled up my glass with Coke and took a sip immediately, and I couldn’t believe that the same thing happened twice. I poured it Continued on Page 2
HAPPY CHRISTMAS 2ND
Woman Already Decorating For Christmas BY GRIND ALL ARTIC PUFFIN #1
SOME WHITE SUBURB—At around 12:01 AM Monday night, neighbors say they saw Mary Ellen Callahan already decorating for Christmas. Callahan had apparently waited until the clock struck midnight on Monday, signaling the first day of November, to smash the pumpkin that had previously been perched on her step. Witnesses say they heard the smash of the pumpkin followed by Callahan shouting “Fa-la-la, motherfuckers!” Neighbors reported that just mere minutes after the end of October 31st, Callahan had already begun blasting Mariah Carey's hit "All I Want For Christmas Is You" while firing
up the fake snow machine. Eye witness reports say that within thirty minutes, Callahan had already blown up four reindeers, a sleigh for Santa, a menorah (for multiculturalism), and three snowmen. “I’m not done yet but I figured you have to start somewhere!” exclaimed the over-enthusiastic mother of three. Apparently, she still has a ferris wheel with all nine reindeers each playing different instruments to the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus". Upon further investigation, it seems that Callahan has also already switched out her children’s entire wardrobe for more “Christmas-like” garment. “It was seventy degrees the other day but she took all my
t-shirts,” said son Calvin. “All I have now is a bunch of snowman and reindeer sweaters. I’m going to die!” The family is also reportedly preparing their yearly Christmas letter in which they send a whole update of the entire family’s happenings to everyone from their family members to old friends from college they haven’t seen in twenty years. When asked for his opinion on the early celebration Mr. Callahan said, “Leave me the fuck out of it.” "This is my favorite holiday and it's never too early to start celebrating!" said Callahan as she began to "casually" whip up some egg nog and Pillsbury Santa cookies, continuing her madness.
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