This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
november 8th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue IX 50¢ CAGE IS A SAGE
LOCAL HERO HAS NEVER A C T U A L LY PA I D TO W ATC H A K E V I N S PA C E Y M OV I E
QUICKIES
The Medium Declines to Comment On the Most Recent Mass NEW ARK— On October 30th, 2017, Anthony Rapp came out Shooting. to the press that Kevin Spacey made sexual advances towards We Will him at age 14. More allegations Just Wait have followed, and Mr. Spacey has experienced more and Two Weeks more backlash since, which has included being dropped by his For the agency and the hit Netflix show Next One “House of Cards.” Throughout this ordeal, one man has been an Homeless unsung hero; Newark resident Brian Sanchez has proudly Man Kills admitted that he has never once paid to watch a movie starring THE HERO WE DESERVE It In No Man chooses to watch National Treasure 2 for the 6th time instead of or featuring Kevin Spacey. Baby Driver “Over my 27 years on this God Shave forsaken planet, I have seen Continued on Page 2 November many, many movies. I’ve seen Can HE _____, HE SAW, HE CONQUERED MAN DOING NO-FAP NOVEMBER Colorblind People Be GUILT RIDDEN AND DEPRESSED Racist? CIA AFTER HAVING WET DREAM Announces JFK’s Death Was NEW BRUNSWICK a Suicide — In a new twist to No Shave November, chronic Serial Killmasturbator Rod Gozinya, has taken on this month to er Finds break away from his old habits rather than growing out his Honesty Is nonexistent facial hair. Taking on the challenge of No Fap Not Key to November, a month where one promises to completely let go Good Relaof masturbating for an entire 30 tionship days, Gozinya hopes to finally halt his fapping addiction. Sue dEnimm Now In all realities
Ivan Yakinov Seeking mail order bride
“I’ve been jerking it for as long as I can remember, even
VOTING
Since 1970