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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XI
50¢
November 19th, 2008
Blackout Forces Busch Students to Relearn Fire Making Skills Primitive Tribal Society Forms in ARC Building BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- After the blackouts had caused the majority of buildings on Busch and Livingston to lose power, Rutgers Officials were surprised to find that a large group of Busch students had banded together and formed a clan inside the ARC building. Inside the building, the leaders, acting on the authority that they are enrolled in Calculus IV, organized the Calc II younglings into explorative task groups centered on learning to make fire. This was eventually accom-
plished by holding books on top of the kid’s heads and thinking about taking the derivative of infinity, which ignited the pages instantly. After concurring the task of starting a fire, the students turned their attention to finding subsistence in the wild. Alpha male Charles Yung led the hunting expedition into the depths of ARC where they happened upon a group of frightened Topics in Math for a Liberal Arts Major students. Yung chose a sickly one in the back of the room and took him down using a crude protractor-spear tool. After the feast occurred, the ARC Clan set about creating an al-
ternate source of energy and was starting work on a cold-fusion reactor when power was restored. The class returned to their seats and the
professor finished his lecture before class officially ended much to the relief of math-minded students.
decided to partition off the bathroom area in the student center – one of the most revered places to take a dump, according to University statistics – more and more students have had to venture into “that weird building with all the books.” “I’ve never been in a library before,” said sophomore SAS student Michael Blumpkin. “I figured I’d get myself a book while I was there, and the fuckers forgot to charge me for it. How stupid can you be?” But while some students have welcomed the change of shitting scenery, most are in an uproar. Said one of the students waiting in line and noticeably squeezing his cheeks together: “This is fuckin retarded. They leave the Sbarro and the Dunkin Donuts open, but they close the fuckin BATHROOMS? How am I supposed to eat a cheesesteak at the Rock Café and make it all the way to Kilmer before that shit blows out my asshole?”
Quite expectedly, University officials support the Livingston renovation. “These are just necessary sacrifices we all have to make,” said senior redevelopment specialist Brian Scheffler. “We’re an overcrowded university, and no one wants to go to Livingston. In order to dupe future generations of students into living here and taking classes in those God-awful Lucy Stone rooms, we need to trick them by making [the campus] look nicer, ostensibly. If that means you have to walk an extra half mile or so to drop the kids off, so be it.” Library staff members, however, have been complaining about stock and supply problems associated with the increased patronage. “Mostly,” said Mitch Conner, head of custodial operations for Kilmer, “we’ve been having problems with toilet paper. But about a week ago we started keeping copies of the Targum outside the stalls, and
that seems to have corrected the issue.” University President Richard McCormick, in an interview conducted through two adjoining stalls, called the Livingston construction efforts a “necessary step towards community acclimation.” “Rutgers as a university,” he said, “is situated in the middle of a large, bustling city, and it has always tried to strike a balance between the aesthetics of the college and those of the surrounding areas. I believe this current project is a testament to that, as Livingston campus now looks exactly like Route 18.” In fact, university officials have been so determined to unify Rutgers with its surrounding areas that they have actually employed public works crews from the Rt. 18 project to complete the work on Livingston. According to most officials, normal operations on Livingston are expected to resume on the “eleventeenth of Neverbruary.”
Some tools used by the Calculus 4 Tribe
Livingston Closes Bathrooms: Detours Waste Expulsion to Library Toilets BY KEITH H. CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- In Livingston’s Kilmer Library, human traffic is noticeably on the upswing. While the building is usually known for its long lines near the computer lab – where dozens of students hoping to finish term papers moments before class stand impatiently as assholes update their MySpace and download the latest episode of House – a new, much longer line can often be found on the second floor. No, there is no controversial art exhibit. No, the periodical section has not been stocking Hustler. This crowd of impatient, frustrated guys is actually centered around the men’s cramped, two-stall bathroom. Often regarded as one of the worst cans on campus, this decadesold shithouse has now become one of the most used in all of New Brunswick. Since Livingston officials
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