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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue X
Michael Crichton’s Funeral Held at Airport Bookstore Los Angeles, CA- The Funeral of novelist and Jurassic Park author Michael Crichton, who died on November 4th from cancer at age 66, was held on Sunday at the LAXBooks kiosk in Terminal 2 of The Los Angeles International Airport before several dozen businessmen between flights and stranded travelers. “We thought that Mike would have loved this,” said Crichton’s widow, Sherri Alexander, “We thought it would be appropriate to hold it before some of his most loyal readers, at least until they have to board their next flight.” The service was followed by a quick reception at the terminal’s McDonald’s.
Government Resorts to Bullying for Addtional Money Washington, D.C.- The United States Government has sunk to a new low as it is now hiring professional bullies across the nation in an attempt to generate enough money to support the $700 Billion Bailout plan in progress. “Really, this is a great opportunity for me to expand my business,” said Randy Fulcher, Preston Middle School’s top bully. “And you fart knocking ass-wipes better give me your money or I’ll shiv you!” Senator Chuck Schumer (DNY) had this to say about the new addition to the bailout plan. “Well, I never seemed to have any money left over after the bullies were done pants-ing me, so I figured what better way to generate much needed revenue?” the Senator said. Each bully will receive a 20% bounty on each nerd’s income collected.
50¢
November 12th, 2008
Busch Campus Decides to Form Independent University Rutgers Shits Itself in Response
ding me? Have you seen Livingston Campus? There’s enough space out there to hide Bin Laden, and with New Brunswick, NJ- Busch Camall the Asians and Indians gone, the pus senior advisor Ned McNerdgrading curve of the classes will be ington announced this Friday that much better.” he plans to have the entire Busch The move comes almost a campus become its own university year after Cook College decided to and no longer be affiliated with become its own self sustaining farm Rutgers. and break away from Rutgers but “When you think about it, still agreed to let freshman sleep in all the important research and learning stuff goes on here anyway.” McNerdington said, “We also have the football field, we might as well be our own school.” The move comes as a shock to students. Some students, mainly Asians, will be transferring from Rutgers to Busch next semester. Many students did not know about Busch campus. “I have a few classes there but between frat parties, hangovers, and putting on hair gel I never find the time,” said random guido who lives on College Ave. A Rutgers official, when asked if he was worried about losing Busch said, “Are you fucking kidBY HANDSOME MORENO CONTRIBUTING WRITER
its dorm buildings. Cook residents could not be reached for comments because no one felt like walking between all that grass to find somebody. One diligent and very handsome reporter took the time to make a bar graph to show the fun-work ratio for Busch versus the rest of Rutgers.
Starbucks Cancels All ‘Free Coffee’ Incentives Due to Felonious Infractions Will not Offer ‘Gay Marry in California for a Frappuccino’ on Thursday BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Seattle, WA- Rick Wellinger, Head Executive in charge of Starbucks Promotions issued a statement on Tuesday that suspended the “Free Coffee Day” incentive program indefinitely amidst rumors that the company was rewarding criminal behavior. “After we were committing a Federal crime by offering a free
cup of coffee as an incentive to get people to vote, we wanted to take a step back and review our other programs’ legality” said Wellinger in a press conference earlier today. Although the majority of the promotions centered on legitimate offers such as “Sing for a Free Cup Day” and “Wear (College) Apparel for a Free Muffin Day”, a few incentives seemed to lean on the side of borderline illegal and immoral practices. Among the more controver-
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sial ones, “Slap a Bitch for Toast Day” and “Grope a Member of the Opposite-Sex” were actually the least harmful to others as “Free Pound Cake for Bankrupting Your Company and Ruining the Lives of Your Investors Day” and “Get a Free Norah Jones CD for Every Human Trafficked Week” carry extremely severe punishments. Since the press conference, the FBI has been trying to contact Wellinger but he has allegedly fled the country.