This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliii Issue VIII
50¢
NOVEMBER 7th, 2012
DEWEY OR DONT'Y
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN G.O.P. Sweep Indicated in State; Boyle Leads in City BY GODIVA'S MAN BITCH NEWS EDITOR
WASHINGTON DC—As polls closed late last night, Thomas E. Dewey hardly had time to let his triumphant victory over Harry Truman sink in. In what would be a landslide election, Dewey ascended to the White House to become the nation's newest President. After months of hard campaigning and debates, The G.O.P. candidate finally reaped his reward at the polls. Not all voters were expecting such a one-sided victory. Lawrence Lang, a freshman at Rutgers University seemed puzzled by the result. "Honestly I really expected either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney to win the election. I mean I didn't vote; my grandparents did but I had shit to do." Green Party candidate Jill
Inside This Issue 1..................Election
then promptly ordered eightdozen pizzas and 4 kegs for his party. Dewey, (pictured far left), promptly demanded privileges equal to that of Bill Clinton, as indicated in his official presidential portrait. Some guy named Boyle leads in the city. Although the election is over so it probably doesn't matter now, does it? The G.O.P. (Great Old People, or something) strapped on its Depends and hit the polls hard and early, because none of them know how to drive anymore. Despite having the least aurally pleasing presidential name since Millard Fillmore, Dewey will assume his place in Stein rounded out the ballot, Dewey's victory is the lat- the oval office, sporting a muscoming in a respectable third est triumph for his party. "This tache worthy of its own cabinet place in front of unlikely hope- party has been rolling non-stop position. In an age of repressed fuls Barack Hussein Obama and for the past seven months, and it facial hair, Dewey's whiskers the former Governor in New ain't a stoppin' now," said a glee- have won a great victory for all. England, Mitt Romney. ful Dewey. The new president
NEWS IN PICTURES
Mounted Sherpa Gets Off His High Horse
2............Connection 3..................Erection 4...............Reflection 5..............Inspection 6..............Projection 7................Rejection 8.............Confection 9..............Obituaries
Reporting To You Live ESTABLISHED 1970
STOOP KID
Guy Who Was On Porch Two Hours Ago Still There BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
HIGH STREET—The guy who was on his porch two hours ago is still on his porch, sources say. Local resident Jimmy Ackermann reported sightings of the man at 2:08 PM when he left his apartment to run some errands, and as well at 4:12 PM when he returned. “Man, he’s still fucking there,” said Ackermann. Speculation is still ongoing as to whether or not the guy had been in the same spot the entire duration of the two hours, or had left and returned to the same spot later. “It looks like he’s texting or something” he continued, referring to the man’s slumped over posture. “Why won’t he just go inside?” said Ackermann, staring at him through the window.