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Volume XLVIII Issue VIII
November 5th, 2014
50¢
CHRISTIE ATTENDS RECORD POLITICAL DINNERS IN ONE NIGHT QUICKIES
BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
TRENTON—Tuesday night, Governor Chris Christie surpassed his own record for most dinners consumed in one night. The previous record was set two years ago during the State's previous election of federal congressmen. Christie attended the victory parties of each Republican representative who won their district's seats that night. Spectators were amazed by the feat last night as Christie traveled across the state and across the buffets. Supporters "TASTES BETTER THAN THE TEARS OF UNIONIZED TEACHERS" of the Governor even went so If Christie decides to run for office, he should try transitioning far as to point out that Christies from rolling to crawling to walking first. interests were not only bi-chin but also bipartisan. After accept- ee, "to see one physically reach he did," said Mrs. Christie. "I'm ing the hospitality of his fellow across the aisle. Even if it is just very concerned at his eating habits; he was doing so well afRepublicans, Christie caught a to the dessert table." Not everyone was excited ter his bypass surgery." nosh at the party held for Senato see Christie succeed so conUpon overhearing this, the tor Cory Booker. clusively. "I thought he couldn't Governor provided his com"It gives me a lot of faith in possibly eat any more, but then Continued on Page 2 our politicians," said an attend-
WHAT A BONER
Construction on Douglass Decried as Sexist BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—The ongoing construction efforts on Douglass Campus have been halted due to ongoing protests by the feminist community. ”Women have a hard enough time as is being barraged with phallic objects in our society" said spokeswoman Lori Burham, a second year Feminist Theory major explaing the issue. “Douglass campus is mostly made up of low to the ground buildings surrounded by plenty of bushes,” Burham continued. “But new construction is given rise to taller and more penis-like buildings than Douglass residents are comfortable with.” Protesters say that they are fearful that male students will take the new tall structures as a sign to start “taking their man-
Every issue is a color issue. Just like for BVCL! Middle Eastern man's beard has full beard on fifth day of No-Shave November I voted for Pedro! Police throw 5's to bust parties Bell outed as closet Populist Flood claims Nova "Good to Go!" despite player's newly developed paraplegia New wing added to RWJ for next Halloweekend
“LET'S HIRE THE ARCHITECT OF QATAR'S SOCCER STADIUM” Penis-shaped buildings are being erected way to often.
identifying penises out of their thinking some sort of courtpants and start raping every- yard, or other hollow box-like structure,” says Betty Dottry, one.” Alternative structures are being presented. “We were Continued on Page 2
I Haven't Been Sober Since 1970
Barchi turns up rap music louder when asked about strategies, budget