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INSTA: @themediumRU
NOVEMBER 4th 2015
Volume XLX Issue VIII 50¢ THANKS OBAMA!
AREA SCHOOLS TO DECIDE WHICH CHILDREN TO LEAVE BEHIND BY DR. TOSSED SALAD "HARD" CANDY
NEW BRUNSWICK—Last week, President Barack Obama decided to repeal the No Child Left Behind Act, a piece of legislation that ushered in a new era of standardized testing in 2001. Upon hearing this news, New Brunswick school staffs hit the meeting rooms to section off which students were no longer worth their time and therefore will be left behind. “We used to have to spend so much time preparing every one of those cocksuckers for these standardized tests. We prepared them for the picture prompt writing, simple algebra...Goddamn, was it boring!” explained former fifth grade teacher, now Assistant Superintendent Jennie Josephson. “Have you ever had to read twenty shitty stories about a family playing with a Frisbee while next to a lake?” finished up Josephson, shaking with the memories of having
ROTC Cadet Won’t Shut Up That He’s in ROTC Man Among Men Finishes State Quarter Collection WineTasting Student Doesn't Spit, Swallows
"IT HURTS TO GIVE IDIOTS GOOD GRADES!" Thomas DePaolo, a local educator, never anticipated he'd be on the giving side of grade inflation after graduating the School of Engineering.
to force herself to read stories about picnics. “You see, the reality of No Child Left Behind is that most children are boring or way too weird,” stated President Obama when addressing the press last week. “I can’t stand having a conversation with my own fuckin' kids, I couldn’t imagine having to deal with a class of 25-
30 regular nitwits.” And nitwits they are, as the majority of kids cannot even pass a simple fucking test because of their lack of smarts, finished the President. And with this decision, there are now ten children up for vote in the New Brunswick Elementary Schools, two per grade to decide which will be left out of the loop. Continued on Page 2
PUMPKIN SPIKED
UNIVERSITY DECIDES IT WILL NO LONGER PARTICIPATE IN FALL BY RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
P I S C ATAWAY — A t approximately 7:15am Sunday morning, President Barchi announced that Rutgers University will no longer be participating in Fall. The fallen leaves are being collected and the leaves still remaining on the trees are to be painted green, to the dismay of many students. “We’re tired of students running around and frolicking about in the leaves. It’s annoying,” said Barchi in his announcement. “We really don’t like to see students enjoying themselves, especially around this time of year. They’re
QUICKIES
supposed to be inside the libraries studying and pumping themselves full of stimulants. Instead, they’re out enjoying the weather and posting pictures of campus on Instagram or Twitter
or whatever the fuck kids use these days. It’s got to stop.” Cassidy and Christina, two Rutgers students and lovers of foliage, expressed outrage Continued on Page A7
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