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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
ASIAN PEOPLE DOING SMART STUFF
LIVINGSTON SOLAR FARM POWERS SMALL CALCULATOR BY EC BLOODN’GUTS STAFF WRITER
LIVINGSTON—A Rutgers research team announced yesterday that the Livingston solar farm had generated enough power to operate a Casio calculator. Cheers erupted as the lead researcher, Dr. Wu-Tang Hsiung, turned the calculator upside down, typed “shell,” and to everyone’s delight, deleted the s. The calculator, an LC-820 circa 1976, was operable for a full two minutes. While a huge milestone for the scientific community, the achievement has been long overdue for the multimillion-dollar solar farm. “Not very much sunlight comes through to Livingtson Campus,” explained Dr. Hsiung. “According to our estimates, Livingston’s location at the edge of the world is at a latitude which tangentially obscures the sun’s rays.” He added, “Any light that does reach the area is further obstructed by the Louis Brown Athletic Center, a towering monolith that absorbs sunlight and human emotions.” However, Rutgers, not being a school to back down in the face of futility, has invested several million ad-
HERR YEAH!
Livingston asians proudly celebrate their hard work and achievement CENTER: Dr. Hsiung holds up the calculator in triumphant victory
ditional dollars to enhance the sensitivity of the solar panels. The next phase, according to the research team, is to harness enough of the sun’s energy to power a 30-watt light-bulb. Such a development will “greatly improve one’s ability to see
inside when it is sunny outside,” according to a grant proposal by Hsiung’s team. “Our long term goals are to shed our dependence on the sun, and efficiently substitute solar power with which to heat the world,” said Hsiung.
CIVIL FIGHTS
LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS RALLY AGAINST PERSECUTION BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVENUE—The Association of Student Slackers, ASS, is currently staging a protest on College Avenue. This is a developing story. ASS is the student group representing all liberal arts majors. They are reportedly “tired of being labeled as unproductive detriments to society” and are protesting in order to raise slacker awareness. Members of ASS run the gambit, but especially prominent are students of communication, sociology, and philosophy. “Our degrees are worth more than your silly practical science pursuits,” posited Eric Knecht, an SAS senior majoring in history and economics. “While we’re learning how to think and critically analyze, you science dweebs are learning how to actually do shit! That’s so boring!” Emotions have been running high all day, but as of press
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time, no casualties have been reported. Many groups have been hosting counter-rallies, including the Busch Organization of Biology (BOOB). “These idiotic hipstards have caused trouble for way too long, and this crosses the line,” said Sean Yeager, a junior majoring in astrochemistry. “We are going to crush them today.” BOOB isn’t the only one to oppose ASS. Governor Jon Corzine promised that, if elected, he would work to rid Rutgers of the esteemed philosophy program. “A philosophy degree makes you feel awesome, costs a lot of money, and ultimately renders you useless to society,” said Corzine at a press conference yesterday. “It’s just another drug, as far as I’m concerned. And drugs are bad.” Added Corzine, “Elect me, stat.” However, the liberal arts majors aren’t going down without PROTEST THIS! a fight. At 5 p.m. today, three reJeff Cupo, a cracked out ligion majors will perform a live philosophy major, makes a stand. auto-cremation.
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NEWS QUICKIES
Freshman not really sure what to major in, at this point FRELINGHUYSEN—Despite coming to college fully prepared for a degree in anthropolitical theosophysics, freshman Aaron Mazie is having second thoughts. Mazie says his current course load is “too quaint.” “I just hate studying the particulars of Charlie Parker’s renowned account of ornithological paradigms,” said Mazie. “It’s just like, who gives a shit?” Like most other idealistic freshman, he wants to sculpt his mind, with little or no regard to real-world applications. “I really wanted to challenge myself in college,” he continued, “but it’s also super-important for me to find my niche and totally love what I’m doing.” Added Mazie, “I’ve always wanted to be a rock star, so I might just study geology.”
POLITICS
Newly-elected city council vows to fight homeless BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—In a rare moment of clarity and unanimity, City Council members at last night’s town hall meeting agreed that they would focus all their efforts on fighting the homeless in Hub City. Perhaps motivated by recent elections, council members hope their aggressive stance will discourage people from attempting homelessness and will encourage affluent shoppers to return to the city. “Homelessness is an epidemic that has taken control of New Brunswick,” posited councilman Joe Egan. “We need to beat these suckers to the ground, and get them the fuck out of Dodge.” Added Egan, “Homeless people smell bad, anyway.” The effort was originally a typo in a policy brief presented by the Bloustein School at Rutgers University, but upon further consideration, which did not include reading the contents of the report, council members decided it was a serendipitous error from the Great continued, “PAIN IN THE BUM,” page 2