This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue X
November 20th, 2013
THE WATER BOYS
U. FOOTBALL TEAM ACCUSES CINCINNATI OF BULLYING
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD PERSONALS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ – Another bullying scandal has been reported after the Rutgers Football Team’s loss to Cincinnati. Members of the offense, defense, and even special teams reported to Head Coach Kyle Flood after the game that the Bearcats had been being “mean” to them all game and had made them feel bad about themselves. “To do that to these poor boys' self-esteem is just horrible and wrong, we do not stand for this at Rutgers and you can be sure we will act,” stated Athlet"IF I WANT TO CALL YOU A BITCH, I'LL CALL YOU A BITCH" ic Director Julie Hermann after The Scarlet Knights tell Kyle Flood about how the Cincinnati Bearcats the embarrassing loss. Reports sacked them and stole their lunch money. surfaced after the game that the Cincinnati players had been call- ed saying that they were all cried wide receiver Kareem Anderson. “They said we had no ing the players on offense “little “their bitches” this week. “They made us feel re- balls…like *sniff* sorry I have pussies” while the defense and special teams was getting taunt- ally insecure about ourselves,” Continued on Page 2
SHOOT, I'LL EAT IT
Abortion Stand-off at Cook Farm BY ANIME HAIR STAFF WRITER
COOK CAMPUS – The prochoice/pro-life debate has taken an explosive turn this week on Rutgers’ very own Cook/ Douglass campus. Cook Farm workers were surprised to notice that one of their milking cows, Betsy, was very evidently pregnant. They announced that while it was certainly a surprise –there are currently no bulls on the farm- they would be happy to welcome the new calf this spring. However, many students spoke out in an uproar as the Douglass Female Animal Representatives announced that they would henceforth be the voice of poor Betsy. DFAR in particular were not so sure that Betsy even wanted the calf in the first place, and wants to present the “alternate option” of abortion for the pregnant bovine. “We are unsure of the events surrounding the conception and gestation of the calf,” said representative Lucy Vanjay, “and want to offer her a choice.” She further went
50¢ QUICKIES
Old men confused by four hundred dollar VCR "PS4" Rutgers Marching Band Sees Actual Women at Victoria's Secret Show North Tower Freshman Cries Out for Attention Math Department Fears Professor's Accents Arent Thick Enough New French St. Grease Truck Sells Crepey food Eagleton Institute Creates Next Wave of Asshole Politicians Pay-per-view Today: Officer Kenneth Cop vs. DeanMuffin Lord for The Fakest Name
"THIS IS UDDER BULL" The Douglass Female Animal Representatives herd together in order to ensure Betsy's freedom of choice.
on to highlight the strain that pregnancy puts on the body and the socioeconomic problems Betsy may face. It is reported by DFAR that the other cows have isolated Betsy and have taken to softly mooing “slut” under their breath if the expecting mother draws near. Cook Farm’s response to
DFAR’s complaints have simply been, “Are you s#$%ing me?” The abortion organization has nevertheless demanded that some sort of test be give to be “absolutely sure.” They suggesting putting a stuffed baby calf and a coat hanger in front of the cow, and carefully observing which one she decides to chew on.
Bringing Our Truth To You SInce 1970
Bob Ross Memorial Park to Include Some Happy Little Trees "I just want to go to jail already!" says George Zimmerman Overweight Frosh Still at Large Senior Can't Pass Dance Appreciation; Can Recite Entirety of SpongeBob Episode