This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue XI
November 18th, 2009
PUCK THA FOLICE
RUPD OFFICER KILLS PEDESTRIAN WHILE SENDING EMERGENCY TEXT MESSAGE BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVENUE—Demonstrating the need for such an emergency system, RUPD officer Cpl. Grant Perry ran over a pedestrian on Monday after sending out an emergency text message to Rutgers students, warning them of the dangerously high levels of pedestrianism. The emergency text message system was instituted by administrators to easily spread information to the student body. The body was identified as Andriana Peck, an SAS sophomore. After leaving tire tracks over Peck’s limp, lifeless body, Cpl. Perry finished composing the text message, apparently unaware of the tragedy. After the text was sent, Cpl. Perry’s car was hit by another vehicle driving in the opposite direction. The driver was another SAS sophomore, Vince O’Donnell. He had temporarily lost control after taking her eyes off the road to the read the text message that Cpl. Perry had just sent.
OBJÉT D’FART
50¢ NEWS QUICKIES
Study: Obesity prevents transmission of STD’s
Top scientists at Harvard University have released a study claiming that being extremely fat may not cause some medical problems. Morbid Obesity has positive correlations to other ailments including Heart Disease, Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, The Bubonic Plague, Diabetes, Erectile Dysfunction, Bipolar Disorder and even Swine Flu. However, researchers were surprised to find that high incidence of Sexually W MSG Transmitted Diseases is negatively corCOMPOSE NE S TO: RUTGER related with obesity rates. of ounts iExtreme irsam str ty pedeup blood-th en “Due to either physical imposon g ans descAve.dinSt ay inCollege utter the winsibility or a lack of willing partners, side. Sh ck the doors. dows. Lonothing we can ‘fat fucks’ have no trouble avoiding the ’s There wait this one do but s ou rge go hly STDs that routinely plague our nation’s dis outlan genitals,” says lead researcher Erin Larlee. “Since STDs are so prevalent DON’T HIT ME, BRO! Black box footage shows Peck moments before death at inferior state schools like Rutgers, we advise all students attending these “I saw the whole thing happen,” amounts of blood-thirsty pedestrians schools to get as fat as possible, and remarked Kathleen Schneider, a resi- descending upon College Ave. Stay quick.” dent of Brett Hall. “It was kind of fun- inside. Shutter the windows. Lock the ny, actually. I’m pretty sure those two doors. There’s nothing we can do but Crime Watch: Dead Baby dated each other at one point.” wait this one out.” Killings on the Rise Added Schneider, “I got the text If you have any information conAuthorities are reporting a severe, too, though. I was so excited! Nobody cerning the nature of the accident, ever texts me!” The Medium urges you to submit it to unprecedented increase in local dead baby killings. No suspects have been The text message reads, “Extreme news@themedium.net. apprehended, and the perpetrator(s) is(are) still at large. If you own a dead baby, the RUPD has initiated a protective custody program for its safety. The RUPD commissioned abstract sculptor Ai “mind-numbing hideousness.” urges you to submit your dead babies The proposed blueprint, which is to the police department for protection Bang Yu to create a marble depiction of the RU Screw. According to Cal- available online for public viewing, and a complimentary appraisal, should cado, the affectionate moniker for ill- features two Romanesque figures in you wish to auction it off in the future. convenienced administrative errors is the midst of epic sexual acts that, deembedded within the university’s iden- pending on one’s interpretation, may SPORTS tity and should be honored as such. be either coitus or autoeroticism. The Schiano to Recruit BetLivingston was chosen as the sex sculpture is also laden with sexual sculpture’s home on accounts of its innuendos, which according to the art- ter Looking Girlfriends ist are designed to make implicit what for Football Team is extraordinarily explicit, or as Bang BY DEAN GREASY WEINER Yu put it, “fucking right in front of CONTRIBUTING WRITER your fucking face.” Student reactions are generally PISCATAWAY—The Rutgers footones of surprise. “Holy crap,” said ball team may soon have much more freshman Mike Hoffman. “That’s a attractive sign-on bonuses. President Richard McCormick recently anfucking sculpture.” The $2 million piece has cre- nounced the new “Mabel Smith Douated much controversy and derision. A glass Scholarship” in an effort to to small population of dissenters consid- recruit more biddies for the football ers the idea poorly planned, and feel team. According to head coach Greg that an anal penetration would much Schiano, the current girlfriends of the more effectively convey the feeling of football team are in great need of upthe RU Screw. Calcado said that if the University dating. Bringing in women of higher can accrue enough private donations, it quality, he reasons, will improve his will be able to provide funding to make players’ performance both on and off the field. the sculpture animatronic.
U. IMMORTALIZES RU SCREW WITH SCULPTURE BY EC BLOOD N’ GUTS NEWS EDITOR
LIVINGSTON—What has for years been a conceptual institution at Rutgers will now be real, tangible, and twenty feet high. Tony Calcado, head of the Livingston Beautification Project, announced that the school has
WHAT BANGIN’ ART!
Artist’s rendition of the piece on a future Livingston
A Good Source of Dietary Fiber ESTABLISHED 1970
continued, “GIRLFRIENDS” page 2