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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue Xi
INTOXICATION
U TO INSTALL 4LOKO VENDING MACHINES
services, Phusion has offered to sponsor winter sports teams. “The NEW DRUNKSWICK—Dedrink really gets the spite nationwide disgust guys pumped up,” said and the banning of the prodHead Men’s Basketball uct on college campuses, Coach Mike Rice. “They Rutgers University has confeel invincible and have firmed a partnership with extremely high energy Phusion Products, the maklevels. I feel caffeine, ers of 4Loko. stimulants, and alcohol The popular alcoholic should have been given energy drink has come under to the players years ago. fire for its coma-inducing The only downfall, sadly, tendencies. The combinais the neon colored puke tion of alcohol and caffeine that is splattered around has resulted in numerous the locker room after the hospitalizations across the games.” country. Students can expect The decision comes afto find Four-Lokos in ter intense studies conductall Rutgers vending maed on the Busch and Cook chines and dining halls campuses where officials by Monday. Students can have claimed that it stimu- THE NEW REASON HOBOS NEED CHANGE... expect all their favorite lates students to stay awake in Loko, take some of my room- flavors, along with a new flavor lectures. Students who drink a mates adderall, and have coffee created exclusively for the UniFour-Loko in class are found from Brower, I get a ton of work versity, called “Scarlet Screw.” to participate more, albeit con- done in minutes,” said MGSA The beverage will contain a tributing answers that defy log- Junior Mark Blitznan. “Also, my higher alcohol content than its ic and reason. poo turns different colors!” predecessors and will have a de“I find that If I chug a FourAs part of their vending licious pomegranate flavor. BY HEAVE ENUP CONTRIBUTING WRITER
YOU GOT TIVO'D!
NBC Buys TBS, Cancels Conan BYTHE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
ATLANTA—Conan O’Brien’s new late night talk-show on the TBS cable network has come to an abrupt end after less than two weeks of programming. The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) announced that they have purchased the Turner Broadcasting System (TBS) from its previous owner, Time Warner. NBC’s first act after the transaction was cancelling TBS’s newest show, Conan. “Story of my life, right?” said O’Brien. “I’m glad I didn’t delete my Twitter account.” O’Brien departed from his position at The Tonight Show on NBC back in January when network executives asked him to move to a later time slot. However, shortly after in April he struck a deal with TBS to run a one-hour show from Monday to Thursday, starting at 11 p.m. “It’s very unfortunate that
50¢
NOVEMBER 17th, 2010
Mr. O’Brien is always in the wrong place at the wrong time,” said NBC executive Steve Burke. “I don’t want there to be any hard feelings but that bastard slammed us so hard this past week, we have no choice but to fire him.” It is still unconfirmed why NBC chose to purchase TBS but most sources believe that it is simply “payback.” O’Brien had been known to “take shots” at NBC and make degrading comments about their programming since leaving the network. Former NBC President Jeff Zucker claimed to have been a victim of constant bullying and practical jokes by O’Brien over the past few months. “Do you know what it feels like to wake up every morning just knowing that there is going to be a burning, brown bag of dog shit on your front doorstep?” said Zucker. The former president also stated that O’Brien’s sidekick, Andy Rich-
ter, had repeatedly been spotted lurking in bushes and trees outside Zucker’s home. “Andy would dress in camouflage and make scary animal noises all night long …glad they fired him!” said Zucker, in tears. O’Brien will film his final Conan Thursday evening. He is still unsure on what his next course of action will be but said that he is leaning towards starting his own You Tube channel. Loyal supporters of O'Brien such as Tom Hanks and Will Ferrell have even offered to let him film a show in their basements until he can sign a deal with another network or possibly start a music career. “Fuck it, I’ll just auto-tune the news like everyone else,” said a disgruntled O’Brien. “They’re climbing in your networks, snatchin’ yo shows up, trying to cancel ‘em, so ya’ll need to hide yo shows, hide yo staff, cause they firin’ e’rbody out here.”
A Musical for the Whole Family ESTABLISHED 1970
QUICKIES
Famine strikes 122 Huntington Street NEW BRUNSWICK—Emergency relief efforts are currently underway to provide nine students with critical food supplies as the winter months set in after an unusually weak crop of stolen Brower entrees and care packages from Mom failed to provide them with adequate sustenance. The United Nations Famine Relief organization urged all available aid to be channeled toward 122 Huntington St in order to avert further loss of life, as one in the house reported that his “buzz” had been the first to go. “It was so young,” resident Dan Sroczynski reflected somberly. Experts concluded that the famine began in the midst of a bumping rager when several residents emerged from the basement, only to confront a horrifyingly diminished supply of hot pockets and doritos. “I just.. don’t know how this could have happened,” resident Brian Wickizer commented, casually sipping a beer. “We’re good people, why is God punishing us?”
Also in this week's issue... New full-service gym to be built: staff does the workout for you! Study shows women who drink are more fun to study Fire department called to remove jeggings from fat bitch Rosie O'Donnell tells us what it's like to be saved by the fire dept.