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Volume XLVIII Issue VIII
November 12th, 2014 50¢
RUPD REVEALS REASON FOR INCREASED CRIME RATES QUICKIES
BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—In response to concerns by students over the increased rates of robbery and muggings near College Avenue campus, RUPD spokesman Travis Delore held a press conference to divulge explanations. “After weeks of research done by both the police and Criminology department,” said Delore this past Saturday, “we believe that we have reached the crux of the situation: illegal stu- "THAT OUGHTTA DO IT!" dent parking.” RUPD cracks down on criminal activity like parking without permission. According to RUPD, students parking in lots without a Effective immediately, park- fund. On strike three, they will permit are undermining police ing violations will now operate tow the car out of the lot and sell and university authority. This, in on the three-strike system. Strike it to a used car dealership for a turn, creates a lawless environ- one is a ticket which can vary large profit. All proceeds will go ment which attracts criminals. from $500 to $700. Strike two toward the RUPD’s budget in The RUPD will work hard to will result in a ticket and a revo- order to crack down on crime. prevent this by cracking down cation of half the perpetrator’s “I know a lot of you will on parking laws. meal swipe balance, with no reContinued on Page 2
WHO WANTS A SCOOBY SNACK?
Seeing-Eye Dog Takes Massive Shit on F Bus BY DR TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Early Monday morning, seeing-eye puppy-raiser Stacy Holand was on her way to class at Hickman Hall as tragedy struck when Lionel, her three-week-old Chocolate Lab puppy, relieved himself on an F bus on its way to the Henderson bus stop. Lionel, who is reported to be “very cute and petable”—at least, before he opened his anal glands—had not “done his business” since mid-afternoon Sunday, which should have signaled to his owner that his ass had become a ticking time bomb. “Well, he had a late breakfast (Sunday), so I wasn’t too surprised. But I woke up late and...you know how it is...” continued Holand, as she tried to excuse herself for why she bla-
Coverage inside! If the cameraman leaves on the lens cap, you're a whore Barchi emerges, sees own shadow; hides for another six weeks Leading cause of death is living Dead body pops out of casket during funeral march protest against Barchi
“DO THAT AGAIN AND I'M FEEDING YOU CHOCOLATE.” And yet the bus didn't smell any worse than normal.
tantly neglected to take care of her canine ward. A study done by the Proctologist Organization of Oregon, an association with expertise on all things butt, has found that the average dog likes to shit
once every 13.5 hours and that they take great pride in doing so in public places. “That is why most dogs are okay with getting trained to shit outside. They like Continued on Page 2
Going in Raw Since 1970
Blind man at Exxxotica swears he was at Chuck-ECheese whole time New RWJ beds finally come in for last Halloweekend