October 4, 2017 Issue

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october 4th, 2017

Volume LIV Issue IV 50¢ PROFESSOR CONGENIALITY

R u tg e r s to h o n o r Hugh Hefner with Lewd M ag a z i n e o f p r o f e s s o r s SUE DENIM gal that fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK— I n light of the recent news of the passing of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, Rutgers University has decided to honor Hefner’s memory with a magazine of naked professors. Hefner died Wednesday night at the age of 91, surrounded by friends and loved ones in his mansion full of models. After hearing this tragic news, Rutgers University board members, including President Robert Barchi, met to discuss how the University should handle the death. “We were thinking of how we could possibly honor the life of such a distinguished and admirable American leader, and came to the conclusion that the best way to keep his memory alive would be to keep

In loving mammaries Rutgers Magazine features plenty of good reading material

the spirit of Playboy alive. That is why we will now be issuing our own monthly magazine of naked Rutgers professors” said Barchi in an official University statement. Rutgers has reached out to

many professors to ask for their participation, and the invitations have been met with surprising enthusiasm. “ I think it’s just a great way to celebrate the life of such a brilliant Continued on Page 2

PUERTO RICAN'T

QUICKIES

Tom Petty Fucking Dies? Terrorist surprised when he wakes up in Virgin Islands Article on Procrastination Comes out in 6 Weeks Where is Our Opioid Epidemic?

TRUMP BANS CITIZENS OF Love Story: PUERTO RICO LABELING THEM Upper AS 'SECOND CLASS MEXICANS' Class

The Ghosts of the Founding Fathers loves AR15's

WASHINGTON— In the latest natural devastation

that is Hurricane Maria, President Trump is taking quick precautions to prevent all the Puerto Rican refugees from coming into mainland United States. “We don’t want these island Mexicans to come to our

country and take our jobs. We don’t want their salsa music and bad English to infect our airwaves”. Trump’s proposed wall wouldn’t just be a metal fence with barbed wires. It would be “a fully armored fortress complete with neoNazi’s, klansman and very fine people on both sides” armed with Tiki torches securing the parameters. All groups will also be unionized and are guaranteed vouchers for burritos or soft shelled tacos for every fortress hopper that they kill because fuck hard shelled tacos. As Trump sent out his executive order, it was immediately shut down by Congress. Trump,

FUCKING UP Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

Kobe Steer Falls in Love with McDonalds Cow Trump to Give Las Vegas a Fucking Golf Trophy