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october 26th, 2016
Volume LII Issue VII 50¢ THIS IS HALLOWEEN, THIS IS HALLOWEEN
FRESHMAN TRIES TAKE LX LATE HALLOWEEN NIGHT
BY GRIND ALL DOING WHITE PEOPLE THINGS
EW BRUNSWICK-Freshman N Nick Corey has reportedly told friends his Halloween plans include taking a bus from the quads on Livingston to College Ave around 11 p.m.. Sources close to Corey say that the freshman is confident he will be able to easily get to the College Ave campus in about 10 minutes, a sad understatement. When asked why he believes he'll be able to do this Corey responded "why wouldn't I?", a statement which completely confirms his total disillusionment. "I know getting on a LX sucks during the day but this is at night so it's gotta be different," said Corey. "Also Rutgers is awesome about always having a bus available so I'm sure they will put out more buses on Halloween", a statement which also shows his complete
WOW, ANOTHER FUCKING HEADLINE Donald Trump does a thing which inevitably pisses off human beings
disillusionment of how Rutgers actually works. Those close to him have tried to tell him the reality of the situation but apparently it has fallen on deaf ears. "I keep trying to tell him! He's just won't listen", said roommate Ryan Kennedy. "Poor guy actually thinks he'll be able to get on a bus! He has no idea
what he's in for". Kennedy has also confirmed that Corey will be dressed as "one night stand" quite literally. Corey plans on wearing a cardboard box complete with a lamp shade balancing on top of his head. "I know it's a rather large costume," said Corey. "But I'm sure there will be space on the bus to fit it all".
ART APPRECIATION 101
Drunk Girl Seduces Statue
BY TRAITOROUS GUMBBALL A SCUMBAG
NEW BRUNSWICK—Chaos erupted last weekend as Rutgers Junior Taylor Brown decided that Walking Man, better known as the statue outside the Zimmerli Art Museum, struck her fancy. Within seconds of laying eyes on the statue, Brown shambled to him and proceeded to kiss him. “I’ve never seen her like this, usually she can control herself.” Said Max VanName, a friend of Brown’s who witnessed the hookup. As Brown continued, students gathered to witness the event that some are describing as the epitome of the drunken, hormone fueled shenanigans that the university is famous for. Others cite the Public Safety Building orgy of 2011.
The hookup lasted certain is that Walking Man will approximately five minutes have to be cleaned before the before Brown realized that she incident happens again. was doing all the work. “I realized that I somehow never felt his tongue, let alone his hands. It just felt weird to not be felt up in any way during a make out session. So I left in search of someone more experienced.” Brown explained. Jessica Greenberg, A Rutgers Women’s Studies major who witnessed the event, plans to charge Walking Man with rape charges. Other witnesses are impressed with his stamina, and hope to eventually seduce the statue themselves. “Look at that guy! His jawline is so well defined. And he’s got buns of steel!” Said Rutgers Freshman Katrina ROCK HARD! Schneeberg. “I just hope he’s Brown takes a break from dry humping to down another beer into Jewish girls.” One thing we know for
MAKING PORN JOKES Since 1970
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CHECK OUT OUR ELECTION COVERAGE INSIDE Arguing Frat Bros Finally Kiss Texans Deny They Would Swing That Way Black Man on Bluetooth is Mistaken for Slam Poet Sorority Sister Buys Non-Slutty Halloween Costume Pat Hobbs Shows up, Saves Party Space Gets Filled, Editor Rejoices Scientists still don't know what the point of midgets are. Every Single Clown Finally Fucking Dies