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INSTA: @themediumRU
october 12th, 2016
Volume LII Issue V 50¢ POWERDISAPPOINTING
HURRICANE MATTHEW SEES DEBATE, TURNS AROUND BY GRIND ALL NOT YOUR BITCH
EAST COAST—Anticipating on spending its Christopher Columbus day weekend destroying the East Coast, Hurricane Matthew apparently changed its plans on Sunday night. Sources say while it was passing through South Carolina it saw the second Presidental Debate and suddenly turned around. "It was like nothing we had ever seen before," said one weatherman. "All of the sudden the storm seemed to be going in reverse as fast as possible, like it was running away from something". Sources close to Matthew say it has been planning this storm for quite some time. The storm was supposed to be the worst to hit America since Katrina and was supposed to make to whole east coast feel the wrath of a badass hurricane.
Student Hour Late to 1:20 Lecture "DID I REALLY JUST SEE THAT?" Hurricane Matthew says "FUCK THAT" and turns around sparring the east coast from destruction
When Matthew was reached for comment, the storm said, "I was aiming to make it all the way up to New England but while I was in South Carolina I happened to look in on the couple of people who still had power and saw the debate," said the storm. "Oh my god, it was
fucking terrible!" When asked to elaborate it said, "I mean you guys got enough problems I'm just gonna see myself out now" before turning around and heading back towards the Caribbean Islands claiming they could "take it".
Rutgers Chancellor Still Hasn't Met Anyone NEW BRUNSWICK— The chancellor of Rutgers University’s flagship New Brunswick campus, Richard Edwards, has recently sent yet another email asking someone, anyone, to come and meet him. Edwards has apparently been the chancellor at Rutgers for twelve years, although it remains unclear what the chancellor actually does. The barrage of emails from the desperate chancellor is nothing new to upperclassmen at Rutgers. They have been coming, relentlessly, at least once a week for as long as we’ve all been here. First-year Rutgers students are beginning to wonder why they’ve got this
READ OUR PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE BREAKDOWN INSIDE!
Fuck You My Bag Needs A Chair
THEY GOT WHAT THEY DESERVED
BY *COUGH* *COUGH* IM SICK DEAD REPORTER
QUICKIES
email four times already this fall. Recent transfer student Danielle Baker expresses her frustration. “Doesn’t he have friends? Coworkers? Why does he keep bothering all of us to come and meet him? I get so many emails that I have to sift through daily, so it’s super annoying that he keeps sending these.” In a theoretical conversation with the chancellor, The Medium asked why he is just so determined to meet the students of Rutgers. “I’m just so alone,” Edwards mumbled, “I haven’t seen a single person other than President Barchi in twelve years. He gave me this nice office and told me I was kind and handsome. He comes by
every two weeks or so and drops off some Snickers bars and a few strawberry Nesquicks. God damn, I love Nesquick. Still, I’m very lonely in here. I just want somebody to come and see me.” This conversation would probably have given much insight into the lonely life of the chancellor, if only anyone could be bothered to actually go and have a conversation with him. There is some good news for Edwards though, recently President Barchi released a statement that Chancellor Edwards would be stepping down after this year. Presumably, Edwards didn't know that was ever an option, and will be very excited to hear the news.
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