October 11, 2017 Issue

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october 11th, 2017

Volume LIV Issue V 50¢ THAT IS A RAINBOW FLAG IN THE PICTURE

Freshman women’s studies major finds out he’s lesbian SUE DENIM gal that fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian. “I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.

Shocker Artist rendition of the exact moment poor Hayden realized he was one of them gay chicks

The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be

accepted with open arms. “It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was Continued on Page 2

MY NECK, MY BACK...

Rutgers bans sandalsIndian professors go on strike

Trill O’Reilly Raps about tides

NEW BRUNSWICK— In a new unexpected move, Rutgers has

banned the wearing of sandals on campus property. This ban is set to take effect immediately and will affect all students and staff on campus. As the ban left many students confused and looking

for answers, President Barchi released an email explaining the university’s decision. “Lately, there have been a bunch of creepy weirdos with foot fetishes stalking other students all around campus. They prey on students’ feet and those who leave even the tiniest bit of their feet exposed are vulnerable. As a result of our campus being taken over by these foot fetishists, we feel as if completely banning sandals will help get these guys out.” Even though the stalkers were targeting exposed feet, the sandals ban affects the sandals with socks combo as well. Not because of safety reasons, but because sandals with socks

DEPRESSED Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

QUICKIES

Krispy Pizza Crispy Because of Hair Gel Trump Angrier at Natural Disasters than ManMade Ones Medical Clogs Make a Comeback Student Eating Alone Surprisingly Doesn't Want Your Pity Company Greek Life Sued by Vineyard Vines KEEEEEVVVIIIIIIIIN!!!!!