This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
25¢
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue VI
NJ Transit Announces No Transit Week
Rutgers Celebrates Near-Win Against Cincinnati BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Cincinatti, OH- The mood among the Rutgers football players on the bus ride home from Cincinnati, OH was spirited and uplifting as they celebrated the near-win against Cincinnati on Saturday. Despite technically losing the actual game, propelling the team towards a 1-5 record, Coach Schiano was proud of the team’s accomplishments. “They played the game like a true near-winning team should,” exclaimed Schiano. “Teel performed exactly at the level we needed by throwing passes that required the Look on the bright side though, you receivers to have rockets shoved up won’t miss your train and you won’t their collective asses which sealed face any delays.” it for the Bearcats.” To help celebrate this new The problem-plagued Rutpromotional taxi cab drivers state- gers team has been struggling to wide have increased fares by 500% stay within a field goal for the alfor that week only. most win all season, coming extremely close to almost-winning Jerseyan Dies in against West Virginia, or even winning outright against Morgan State. Self-Service Fueling But with this kinda-victory Attempt against Cincinnati, the only way to go is forward or rather, backwards. “Soon I hope to miss the Jersey Shore, PA- Five people are dead with an additional dozen injured after a New Jerseyan’s attempt at filling his own gas at a BP station ended with a massive fireball. According to eyewitness reports, the person in question was a random guido, who had never used BY NIGS McFINKLETON the Self-Service pumps before, but STAFF WRITER was running out of gas, and could not find a Full Service Station. New York, NY- Over the course of Security camera footage rethe weekend, the UN airdropped covered from the scene of the blast thousands of AIDS infected bisexshowed the student yelling for help, ual prostitutes all over Africa with then trying to start filling, resulting the intent of widespread infection in a massive spill of gasoline. Frusof the African people. trated, the man lit up a cigarette, What was supposed to hapwhich ignited his gel-covered hair, pen over the weekend was that aids and his attempts at putting it out by in the field of AIDS were to be derolling started the inferno. ployed to UN consulates all over Maplewood- New Jersey Transit announced on Thursday that due to budget cuts related to the current fiscal crisis, the week of November 9th will be now host to NJ Transit’s newest promotion, “No Transit Week” in which all bus, commuter rail, and light rail routes will not be suspended. “Don’t get us wrong, the Free Transit Week was a huge success,” said Executive Director Richard Sarles, “but we’ve taken on so much funding cuts recently, that we have to balance it out somehow.
Rutgers Coach Greg Schiano is seen with players after the near-win game winning field goal and lose the game by one point, that is my dream and that is why I choose Rutgers...its honor,” said San San Tse, the team’s red-shirt freshman kicker. Mike Teel has been instrumental in throwing away the big plays at the end of the game but in order for those mistakes to count, the rest of the offense has to do their
share of the failing. “The team has been working on its 30% catch drills all week and it paid off against the Cats,” said Almost-Winning Coordinator Bob Jennings. “Previously, the wide receivers were hauling in 8% of passes which gave the other teams the blowout advantage.” Rutgers will go into this weeks game against Connecticut.
UN Makes Big Whoopsie Daisy Organization Sends AIDS to Africa instead of Aides Africa to address the growing issue. The apparent cause of this horrible action was a mistake on the part of Donnie McDildo, senior AIDS expert. In a statement from McDildo, he expressed his deepest condolences to the victims, saying: “My bad, I was blogging about AIDS and was angry. So to express my anger I wrote the whole thing with the caps lock on.
Then I replied to my associates question of ‘Should I send the aids to Africa this weekend?’ I forgot the caps lock was on and wrote ‘YES, SEND THOSE AIDS TO AFRICA.’” :) Mr. McDildo went on to say: “Well, it’s not that big of a deal, I mean, looking at the damage control report... Like, only 3 additional people were infected. It’s like tossing a match into a forest fire at this point...Shit, is this mike still on?”
The News for the People, by Some People ESTABLISHED 1970