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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue V
Brower Commons Fares Well in Draft BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- Brower Commons fared extremely well in the College Dining Hall draft, which ended last night, picking up star line cook Daryl Higgins from Nelson and adding a rookie janitor from a Minor League Dormitory team. “I’m feeling very optimistic about this year,” says Brower Director Tracy Marshall. “We have added two great people that will really gel with our team.” Brower has been desperately in need of a new line cook after the unfortunate departure of Anastasia Milos, a 14-year veteran who had led the league in Fish Fake outs 3 years straight. She was also the pivotal player in running SAS First Year student Chris McFeely’s chicken parmesan by adding a long gray hair to the marinara sauce.
Recounting the incident, Chris noted that “[Milos] was able to disguise it ninja-style in the sauce where it then exploded in my mouth like a stringy, hairy land mine.” With Milos’ departure, Brower needed another cook that could ruin meals as well as bring something new to the table. Enter Daryl Higgins. Daryl is a 6-year veteran cook from Nelson who has been trying to ruin the food there since Day 1 but has been denied the opportunities to do so because that dining hall is the Mother of Christ of all dining halls and makes amazing food. “With Brower, I have the best shot at destroying the hopes and dreams of students wanting a good meal like God intended,” said Daryl. The other prospect, Carlos
Suarez, is equally happy about his promotion from the Minor League AAA Tinsley Team to the Major League dining hall. Suarez has been on fire since his promotion from the AA Milledoler squad, scrubbing 8 vomit and poop lined toilets in 16 minutes flat. Head Coach Mama Brower defended the acquisition of Suarez despite already having a competent janitor staff in place.
“Although we have a decent janitor staff on hand, we could not pass up on getting a hot prospect, Lord knows how many kids relieve their Brower Power Hour in our crappers and my oh my do they need a-scrubbin’.” Suarez will make his debut on Monday which will ease him into the ebb and flow of Brower work in preparation for Thursday’s Tex-Mex Colon Blow Lunch.
Ben and Jerry’s to Launch Ten New Boobalicious Flavors Dollar Space on Wheel Inflated to 1.25 Space Studio City, CA- The increasing inflation in the country struck at the heart of day-time game shows Saturday as the “Price is Right” Wheel had to increase the amount of the 100 space. “Instead of shooting to match $1, contestants now will try to get as close to $1.25 without going over,” said show host Drew Carey. “Really, Bob Barker is rolling over in his reclining chair as he squeezes another tube of Bryl-Creem on his BLT sandwich.” The economic crisis has also affected Wheel of Fortune by forcing the show to cut down on the extravagance of grand prize vacations. Instead of Hawaii, contestants will just go to Pat Sajak’s house.
BY TIT FOR TAT CONTRIBUTING WRITER
South Burlington, VT- Ben and Jerry’s is bust’n a move in the frozen treats industry in announcing that it will be launching a new line of ice cream flavors—made entirely with breast milk. The decision came on the heels of incessant pressuring from PETA, which has taken the position that women are better suited for commercial milking than cows. Despite initial reluctance, Ben and Jerry’s employees have welcomed the change; some saying that it will be even more marketable than traditional ice cream. “Making advertisements has been a cinch, seeing as women’s breasts conveniently look like ice cream cones” responded one B&J’s ad exec. “...very firm, succulent ice cream cones...”
All the News That Fits Your Mom ESTABLISHED 1970
New Boobalicious Flavors -Mammary Madness -Lactation Creation -Tit Chocolate Chip -Booblegum -Titstacio -Cookie Dough nt You Want Some of These! -Girls Gone Wild Black Rasberry -Boobies n Bits -Bosomberry -Triple Nipple Nougat Crunch