This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue IV
OCTOBER 9th, 2013
GUESS WHO?
TRAGEDY ON BUSCH CAMPUS: POOJA PATEL KILLS POOJA PATEL BY POOJA PATEL EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
PISCATAWAY, NJ-- University students and staff remain in shock after the brutal murder of Rutgers student Pooja Patel by Rutgers student Pooja Patel. Busch resident and witness to the crime Pooja Patel told officials last week that she saw Patel attacking Patel with a cricket bat, reportedly after a marathon Orgo study session. Details at this time are limited, but chief Piscataway detective on the case Pooja Patel has stated publicly that when Busch RUPD officer Pooja Patel arrived at the crime scene, Patel was crushing Patel with three Calculus text books. District attorney Pooja Patel has consulted with case judge Pooja Patel, and Patel will be seeking the maximum penalty for Patel. A jury of Patel’s Busch campus peers is currently being assembled, but due to privacy reasons, we can only list their initials as P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, and P. P. A
PATELLING THE CRIME SCENE Officers Patel, Patel, and Patel overlook Patel's sordid death.
biopic on the jury deliberation is currently in pre-production under the working title “12 Angry Patels.” The trial for Patel isn’t set to begin until after the next Organic Chemistry exam ends, which
throws a wrench into the (calculus) equation. Another witness to the crime, Biology professor Pooja Patel, described seeing the murder on her way to class. “I saw this toContinued on Page 2
WE HAVE A WEINER
Anthony Weiner to Run for RHA Executive President
BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
RHA OFFICES -- The competition for the top position of the Residence Hall Association just got a little bit harder as former U.S. representative Anthony Weiner entered the race this week for executive president. After losing in the Democratic primary last month for New York City mayor, Weiner has decided to try his hands at a more low-key contest in an area where people might embrace his past mistakes. “I know that in any ordinary election I would lose because of my whole sexting scandal, but now that I am running at the college level, students will be able to relate to me sending those pictures of my erect penis to those 20 something year olds,” said Weiner. Even though the execu-
50¢ QUICKIES
COVERAGE INSIDE phonesma.sh Gives Spoiled U. Students Excuse to Upgrade to New iPhone Grown Men Discuss the Efficacy of Baby Butt Wipes Busch Dining Hall to Begin Offering Grade A, FDA Approved Chicken Vagina Nuggets Loser Senior Finally Finishes State Quarter Collection Ratios Lifted for all Frat Parties; Male Virgins Rejoice Nation To Celebrate Lennon’s 73rd with live reading of Salinger’s 'The Catcher In The Rye'
To honor the rock icon, a live reading of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye will be broadcasted on live television in the center of Central Park, at the Strawberry Fields Memorial. The book will be read aloud by WEINER STANDS PROUD AND ERECT his late spouse Yoko Ono, who Weiners attracts potential voters to raise his political clout. surprised many by still managtive board positions of RHA are ed campaigning around Rutgers, ing to shove herself into issues generally meant to be filled by trying to convince students, esthat should clearly be handled students of Rutgers, there is no pecially females, that he is not as by the surviving members of rule saying that someone like crooked as he seems and that his the Beatles. Park-goers were enWeiner is not allowed to com- political ideology isn’t the only couraged by Paul McCartney to pete. He would simply need to thing that leans left. bring strawberries to throw be living on campus, which is “I don’t know why Mr. at Yoko, as it is as he put it, why he chose to move into the Weiner is trying to shove his “what that crazy hippie bastard Johnson Apartments on Busch. would’ve wanted." Continued on Page 2 Weiner has already start-
It's Spicy Baby Fun! SInce 1970