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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue v
50¢
Octobah 6th, 2010
WORTH A SHOT
CIA Adopts New Interrogation Tactics in War on Terror “Totally Just Chilling With My Bro Achmed al-Zawahri”
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
WASHINGTUN—After years of unsuccessfully attempting to acquire information through traditional methods of interrogation, the CIA announced a bold new strategy designed to appeal to the detainee; just hanging out and drinking with the guys. “First of all, instead of calling the subject of the interrogation ‘detainee’, we will rather refer to him simply as ‘bro’, said CIA Director of Interrogation Marcus Trent. “For instance, we’re having a killer get-together in Interrogation Room 4 of the CIA headquarters this Friday! Invite your friends, especially you, Abdul Mohammed of 1212 Victory Way, Spokane, WA. Especially you!” This new style of questioning “bros” was developed after social scientists spent countless hours and millions of research tax dollars observing the behavior of people at parties, specifically those who were incredibly intoxicated. Dr. Robert Mallone,
"Of course it was justifiable, it meant we had too many employees!" commented Vice President Philip Furmanski. "Didn't you pay attention to those videos in health class?"
"I mean, come on. I've hunted for seal pelts at sub-zero temperatures and I never bitched about it."
LATE NIGHT SURVEILLENCE Agents seek out potential terrorists/drunk people. who also led the research project, noticed that whenever people were drunk and were hanging out with their friends, almost all subjects began their sentences with “Dude, I’m not gonna lie” and “No, bro, let me be honest with you” both indicators of true statements to follow.
“We think that if the Government stopped trying to be this law enforcement agency and instead acted like a ‘chill dude’, then we could learn valuable intelligence,” said Dr. Mallone. “Also, it would be cool if we were invited to one of these interrogation parties…right? Continued on page two
News of parents' visit sweeps Delafield home
DELAFIELD STREET—The parents of junior Jose Corchado declared their intentions to visit their son this weekend, following a 90 minute sojourn from their home in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Speaking via phone last Sunday, Mrs. Corchado said she and her husband are due to visit as they have not seen their precious son for several months, and would love to see what Jose and his roommates have done with their place on Delafield Street. This will be the Corchado’s first visit since they helped their son move in last June. Meanwhile, protests are surfacing within the house regarding the impending visit. Corchado’s four roommates
Rutgers plagued with staph infections, fires custodians
'I don't see what the fuss is about the weather,' says Eskimo exchange student
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BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
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gathered outside his room last night to voice their opposition, stating that his parents' views of cleanliness, godliness, modesty, abstinence, and general dignity are not welcome in their home. Corchado stated that he does not wish to build any suspicions that he and his roommates are harboring elicit substances and/or women in their bedrooms. Clean-up efforts are expected to take at least six hours and will necessitate the participation of everyone within the home. The most difficult task is expected to be locating the home’s four fire alarms, which Corchado and his roommates deinstalled promptly after moving in four months ago. "Man, we have motherfuckin' bowls all over the house,"
Off Campus Students Association meets to discuss financial aid strategies "Well, I mean we already save about ten grand by not living on campus," said senior Matt Keller. "Really, this meeting is pretty unnecessary, I think."
Pole hugger will single-handedly save the REXL from falling apart "I really don't know what we'd do without her," said Director of Transportation Jack Molenaar, upon smelling the hipster. "She's completely entitled to have the pole all to herself. Just let her do her job."
NEXT WEEK: MESSY SITUATION Corchado has not seen his cat or his shoes for a month
said Ron Diaz Cruz, a current resident. "Cereal bowls, as far as Mama Corchado is concerned. Those Cocoa Puffs, I'll tell you." Should the visit go well, Corchado is guaranteed financial support from his parents for at least the upcoming year.
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