This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue VII
OCTOBER 30th, 2013
I'M SO GOURD
PUMPKIN COSTUME ACTUALLY LOOKS MORE LIKE A GOURD
Cucurbita family as the Pumpkin, however his lumpy, off-color depiction “kinda looked more like a gourd,” every passerby surely thought to themselves. Made in Indonesia, this cheap attempt at traditional Halloween imagery shamed everyone involved. Even in the dark confines of the fall-themed soiree, inebriated women were visibly unimpressed by the errant effort on the part of Robinson. His gut, a magic carriage only for beer, in any fall festival size competition would have been a viable contender save for the fact that it was clearly not, in fact, a pumpkin. The inappropriate misjudgment of autumn winter squash is an avoidable occurrence, one that any respectable Rutgers University student should be better than to replicate.
BY GODIVA'S MAN BITCH EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- College Avenue resident and third year student Marty Robinson attended a Halloween-themed get together this past weekend, dressed in what he believed was an accurate artistic portrayal of the ever popular cultivar of squash known as the pumpkin. These variations of Cucurbita pepo are round, with smooth, slightly ribbed skin and deep yellow to orange coloration, and heir thick shell contains seeds and pulp. Much to the dismay of partygoers and anyone with average, even casual knowledge of basic flora, Robinson’s costume probably should have been labeled “Adult-sized Gourd Suit”. The idiot Robinson more aptly portrayed a plant in the same
I WANT TO GET CHOCOLATE WASTED
Hershey Recalls Candies Containing Heroin
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
HERSHEY, PA – Hershey announced the largest recall in the company’s prestigious history due to the higher than average amount of heroin present in their recent shipment of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Heroin is considered one of the most highly addictive opiates in the nation, responsible for a majority of illegal substance abuse in many hospital clinics. Hershey was first alerted of this contamination when they received increased sale of Reese’s at retailers of intercity areas. Upon examination of their product, executives ordered the immediate recall of all Reese’s brands, stating that the candies contain above the standard concentration that is used in production. Hershey CEO Charles Glasgae spoke to the press on Tuesday to address the turmoil caused by the over contamination. “Here at Hershey, we pride ourselves on producing
ABOVE: A victim dead too young BELOW: A suspicious looking bowl of candy
only the most family friendly treats for customers to eat obsessively,” said Glasgae. “We have examined our recent production and decided that the heroin contained in our candies is greater than what we are willing to allow.” While the recall curtailed the distribution of the tainted Reese’s, many unfortunate customers fell victim to the illicit drugs and became addicted. Among some of the victims include those in attendance at last Friday’s ‘Monster Mash’, which normally creates a safe environment for children to trick-ortreat. Many of the children under the influence of the heroin Reese’s were found passed out all over the Cook Recreation Center and obsessively stroking the Seeing Eye puppies. Students and locals alike are currently attending addiction counseling centers in New Brunswick to help them avoid ‘riding on the peanut butter barracuda.’
Honoring Hump Day SInce 1970
50¢ QUICKIES
College Ave. To Be Closed on Friday for Walk of Shame 5K Sexy Telephone Most Popular Costume; "I'd Tap That," Says US Government Mother Regrets Hurricane Sandy Hook-Up While Changing Diaper of Her 3-Month Old Child Woman Calls Someone a Bitch, Then Immediately Sympathizes With Her Brower Announces Dick Sauce for Salad Sexy "Sexy Halloween Costume" Costume Does Not Count as Real Clothing Ugly Douche Still Cannot Get Hookup Despite 7 to 1 Party Ratio LX Luther to Enter Battle With Superman Stan Fraternity Tanktop clearly spells out "Jabroni" Local Taser Swears It Does not See Color Only 40% of Women have Tried Anal and liked it.