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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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OCTOBER 28th, 2009
Volume xl Issue VIII
CIVIL FIGHTS
GOD HATES WAFFLES BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
BROWER—The controversial Westboro Baptist Church caused trouble in front of Brower this morning, rallying in the hopes of spreading their hateful message. This is a developing story. Arriving on campus at 8:45, the small group quickly set up a griddle and made 10,000 pancakes in about five minutes. The crowd quickly consumed them in nearly the same amount of time. WBC then presented a host of speakers talking about Jesus, God’s word, and pancakes. “If everyone ate pancakes, 9/11 wouldn’t have happened!” bellowed Phred Felps, founder of the controversial hate group. “Neither would have post-season-eight Simpsons!” The WBC holds that the pancake is God’s one and only “chosen pastry” and that all humanity “must recognize its deliciousness or be doomed to eternal hellfire”. Westboro harbors less then kind feelings towards the flapjack cousin, the popular waffle. They are targeting Brower as part of a national spreadthe-hate tour due to its outspoken stance on providing waffle-making facilities to all students, every day. “God has damned the Earth to hell because of the waffle,” continued Phelps. “The waffle is holey, not holy
Take a walk down College Ave, and chances are you’ll see somebody who’s just been through a terrible bromance breakup. According to a nationwide campus survey, 2009 is officially “the worst year to have a brofriend.” The survey claims that eight out of ten bromances formed during 2009 are doomed to fail. Bromosexual relationships have also reportedly gone down 64%. Why the trend? Ex-bro and author of New York Times Bestseller “Unzipping the Past: Memoirs of a Bro,” Jeff Adler, thinks he has the answer. “What we’re seeing here is a wide scale grassroots movement flowing against the tide of bro livin’. It’s stemming from a constant stream of bro-ridicule from all fronts, including much of the mainstream media.” Added Adler, “We should expect to see the entirety of the bro populace extinct by 2012.”
CHABAD RABBI TO WBC:
REPENT!
Lest you drown in a syrupy hell
like the one-true-pancake! Don’t be fooled by its treachery!” The Rutgers community has rallied in support of the breakfast staple. “Wafflin’ is a way of life,” commented Sam Weiner, Outreach Chairman of Waffles for Whiteys, a local campus support club. “We will con-
tinue to enjoy their crunchy goodness and syrup-holding capabilities until the Moshiach comes.” The WBC has as of yet offered no comments on French toast. Watch for more Medium coverage as the story progresses.
Ghostbusters busted for warrantless break-in
NEW BRUNSWICK—When there’s something weird in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Apparently, a lawyer. Several members of the New Brunswick Division of the Ghostbusters are on trial for breaking into a private home without a search warrant. The homeowner is citing a violation of the Fourth Amendment and seeks compensation for her beaten-down door, damaged household items, and muddy footprints all over her white carpet. The Fourth Amendment guards against “unreasonable searches and seizures,” and warrants are required if authorities wish to search any given home. Included in the laundry list of charges, are two counts of bustin’
Bromances breaking up by the dozen
JEWS IN THE NEWS
THE LAW
BY EC BLOOD N’ GUTS STAFF WRITER
NEWS QUICKIES
down doors, one count of departicalizing pet poodles, and one noise violation from boomboxes blasting an obnoxiously bad theme song. Rubab Hassan, resident of the Ghostbusted house, had obtained a copy of the movie Paranormal Activity. RUPD was about to arrest her for illegally downloading content, as they had wiretapped her television. The Ghostbusters squad, through a wiretap of the wiretap, apparently misinterpreted the information and believed actual paranormal activity was taking place. The Ghostbusters in question, GHOSTBUSTIN IN They aint ‘fraid of no civil liberty infringements Peter Venkman and Egon Spengler, claim that the break-in was neces- cause, as he put it, “ghosts don’t fucking exsary because the homeowner’s life ist.” was in danger. Ron Jeremy has been commissioned in The plaintiff’s lawyer claimed light of it all to make Ghostbustin’ All Over there was not probable cause be- Your Face: Night of the Living Head.
Your Worst Nightmare ESTABLISHED 1970
“WE’RE JEWS TOO!” BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
OLLEGE AVENUE—In a drunkC en rage, Baruch Goodman, rabbi and alcoholic-in-residence of the Chabad center on College Avenue, tiraded against the Westboro Baptist Church during services last week. “These people hate Jews,” said the rabbi, “so why are they picketing Hillel? Those Reform schmucks are half the Jews we are!” He continued to kvetch about how faklempt he was that the WBC didn’t consider the biggest Chabad in the nation to be a viable threat. “The chutzpah they have!” shouted the rabbi. Added Goodman, “Those shmendricks!” The Chabad house is a stronghold for the Chabad-Lubavitch movement. According to their website, “it ain’t your Bubbe’s sect.” A textbook target for all types of anti-Semitism, some believe the Rutgers Chabad is tarnishing the movement’s reputation. “In India, we got terrorists to attack us!” remarked leading Lubavitch authority, Rabbi Menchaem Mendel Schneerson, referring the last year’s Chabad shootings in Mumbai. “What’s the schtick? Goodman needs to start picking up his game, before I schlep down there and smack him upside the tuchas! Enough schmoozing already!”