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Volume XLVIII Issue VI
October 22nd, 2014
50¢
DYKE VAN STILL PARKED IN FRONT OF VAN DYKE
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
QUICKIES
NEW BRUNSWICK—Tuesday morning students and faculty quickly discovered that there was a random van parked in front of Van Dyke. RUPD quickly arrived on scene to properly ticket the van, but when they did they soon heard noises coming from the inside. “We heard voices coming from inside. There was a little bit of giggling. So we knew there were a couple people inside,” described Officer John Hamilton. Numerous attempts to communicate with the people "WHEN VAN'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T COME A-COCKIN'!" inside failed miserably however, Ellen with Justin! Did she drop Portia for that new skank bitch? by looking into the windows, of“Please excuse me...I’m just tryficers were able to identify that velopments. “What could they pos- ing to get to my class,” were also there were three women inside. Officers quickly took preven- sibly be doing in there? I hope heard from the crowd. Then in a tive measures and blockaded they are staying safe,” cried one shocking development, numerthe area of Voorhees Mall. Soon women from the crowd. “This ous feminist groups arrived on after, numerous students and is just terrible. They need to get scene in support of the women Continued on Page 2 faculty arrived to watch the de- those girls out of there,” and
I'M DOUBTING THOSE ARE TEARDROPS ON HER GUITAR
Taylor Swift's New Vibrator Song Causes Stir BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Pop music superstar Taylor Swift is due to release her new album, titled "1989", on October 27 and one track is already causing a stir. Critics call the track "Twister" a digression from her usual subject matter and parents are trying to organize a boycott. "Twister", which was released as a single last Wednesday, recounts the betrayal felt by Swift at the loss of her dearest, loyalest friend, her vibrator. In “IMMA LET YOU FINISH” the song, Swift thanks her vibra"Twister" has been with Swift through her most embarassing moments tor for consistently being there in the aftermath of every humil- to an orgasm," say the lyrics. beat songs about breaking up a iating breakup. But when she "For years, I relied on you so. relationship, but her most recent was let down the hardest her vi- Ever since the devastating text song of indignant rejection carfrom Joe [Jonas]. But now, when ries a tone that seems to have brator was of no use. "You were there for me at my need for you is large, it ends abandoned romance entirely. The subject is not Joe Jonas, Taythe bottom of every chasm. I up, you've go to no charge." Swift is known for her uplor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, cried to you and you moved me
Full of Glamour Models Since 1970
Meet the Medium: Dr. Ruth isn't the only one "Sexually Speaking" tonight Poco Harem needs to recruit more concubines Manning's hair line passes the end zone, sets record for most forehead Three words: poop flavored Smirnoff Undecided student declares acting major, tells parents she's a thespian Grease truck loyalty cards can be redeemed for a cardiologist appt. Midterms provide gentle fucking Obama pushes secret bill for third term and kingship