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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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OCTOBER 21st, 2009
Volume xl Issue VII
AGRICULTURE
POOR FARMVILLE HARVEST INDUCES FAMINE, KILLS MILLIONS BY MICHAEL ERIC ROSENTHAL STAFF WRITER
CYBERSPACE—Millions of FarmVille farms remain barren and desolate after a poor harvest plagued them with insurmountable famines. The famine was caused by a horde of locusts, and a few foxes. “I lost everything,” said one John Starkey, SAS junior. “Everything. My entire semester, down the drain. What will my parents say when I come home cropless?” A Mad Huge Depression, as it’s been dubbed, has since swamped the FarmVille world. A single plot of land now costs upwards of 1000 coins, and harvested crops can only sell for about 10 coins. “The market is at a standstill,” commented Gregory Mankiw, a professor of economics at Harvard University. “What we’re seeing here is an incredibly high demand for crops, but no supply at all. The buyers can’t buy, the sellers can’t sell, and black people everywhere are dying.” Black people haven’t been the only one to suffer. Danica Patrick, a sophomore in SAS, has been stuck on level 15 for three weeks. “God, it’s unbearable. The locusts ate ev-
GOD HATES FARMS
erything. My tractor is broken, I can’t afford a new one, and I’m only one harvest away from a Cream of the Crop ribbon!” Added Patrick, “Suicide
Wildfires devastate these famine-afflicted crops
is looking pretty good right about now.” Perhaps hit the hardest has been Tim Hudson, president of the Farmville-Labor
Party. He founded the party a few months ago in an effort to unionize and oversee the success of the other farms. “I help you out, you help another neighbor out, and then there should never be a problem with food or money shortages, especially because nothing unforeseeable ever happens,” said Hudson. The famine, however, has ensured that no one can help anyone out, and a swarm of maurading locusts was definitely not something he had predicted. As the famine continues to take its toll, many Farmville players remain worried about how to feed their virtual family or maintain their virtual farm. “How will I send my virtual kids to virtual college?” wondered Danica Patrick. “What am I supposed to tell them? That I failed them as a farmer? That the way of life as we know it is over?” Many have simply given up on the noble farmer’s life and taken to raping and killing Pink Cows for sport. A few farms prevailed through the poor harvest, and now have to manage the issue of urban development as merchants and big businesses take over FarmVille world.
WOMYN
Feminists Protest God’s No-Beard Policy BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
God, however, remains steadfast on the issue. “I gave you guys tits!” boomed a thunderous voice at the scene, VATICAN CITY—Picketers gathered on the Vatican much to the dismay of the many women at the scene. Steps yesterday to advocate “Equality in Bearddom” “What more could you want? I suggest you try to focus on making babies like good little wenches.” for women. Over ten thousand feminists “Beards are The Equality in Bearddom movement has were reported to have been in attendance. quite clearly lofty goals, though, and hopes to send a female Beards have traditionally been available only to men in a variety of shapes and sizes, the key to competitor to the World Beard and Mustache but women everywhere are quickly growing success and Championships by 2012. tired of the double-standard. “Fuck that,” said Karl Heinz-Hille, curprestige.” The movement has enjoyed increasing rent Full Beard Freestyle champion. “No fuckpopularity over the last few years. “All great AREA FEMINIST ing way is a little bearded chick going to strip Woman men had beards,” remarked one area feminist. me of my title.” “Beards are quite clearly the key to fame, success, and Gillette is anticipating the advent of female beardprestige, and it’s high time the chauvinist pigs of the age, and has already started promoting its line of “Her world gave up their exclusive rights to facial hair.” Pleasure” razors.
A PUBIC PROTEST
The sign on the right actually says, “I Fuck Men”
NOT WHITE PEOPLE
U. OUTSOURCES TEACHERS TO IMPROVE DIVERSITY BY ZAYIN GADOL STAFF WRITER
OLLEGE AVE—President Richard C McCormick has unveiled plans to build remote “teaching centers” in India to “increase the diversity and quality of academic experience for all students.” “Rutgers is committed to diversity,” posited McCormick for the 153rd time during his career as U. President.
“India has such a trove of diversity, and we plan on taking full advantage of it. These teaching centers will allow underpaid Indian workers to stream their diverse knowledge through video networks that feed right into the classroom.” Added McCormick, “Brown people rule!” Some students remain wary of
the program. “How am I supposed to fuck my Planet Earth professor if he’s two continents away?” bemoaned SAS sophomore Jenna Greenfield. “I’ll never pass a class again! Even my extensive vocabulary won’t help me now!” To combat accusations that “commitment to diversity” really means “we are totally not racist,” McCormick has assured that the U. will be
Touching you in special places ESTABLISHED 1970
hiring child workers to increase “age diversity”, Taylor Swift to augment “talent diversity”, and Bernie Madoff to enhance “portfolio diversity”. McCormick also briefly touched on plans to eradicate all noninterracial porn on DC++ for “masturbatory diversity”. He own stash is reportedly upwards of 200 gigabytes long.