This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
October 19, 2011
Volume xliI Issue VI
NEWS ABOUT NEWS ABOUT NEWS
NEW DAILY TARGUM E.I.C. BEGS FOR MEDIUM MOCKERY
BY KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
MINE ST— The Editor-in-Chief of Rutgers University’s official newspaper, The Daily Targum, has been actively seeking media coverage from The Medium for several weeks through letters, email, and phone calls. “I just want them to make fun of me…once is all I ask,” said the EIC. The Targum EIC has left twelve voicemails in The Medium’s inbox and has sent over 50 e-mails to several of their editors requesting articles since September 1. “Kypers this, Kypers that, what about me?!” said the EIC. Last year, former EIC of the Targum, Neil Kypers, was a popular choice of parody for staff writers of The Medium. However, the new EIC of the paper has received little to no acknowledgement. Lack of coverage has reportedly driven the current EIC cra-
PSYCHOBABBLE
University looks at high levels of selfcenteredness BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER?
LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!! The E.I.C. makes a valiant effort to get the attention of The Medium
zy during meetings. Writers for the Targum have additionally tweeted their frustrations with the EIC’s prioritizing. “I don’t know if catching The Medium’s eye is going to
look good on my resume #fml,” tweeted correspondent Tyler Presto. However, staff writers from Rutgers’ weekly entertainment Continued on Page 2
LEARN TO DRIVE
Handsome IndyCar driver killed in crash Average attractiveness of drivers falls by 20%
TOO SEXY FOR THIS EARTH They had to make a special coffin to accommodate his cheekbones.
crash during the Las Vegas Indy 300. He was thirty-three years INDIANAPOLIS—In what old and considered the only may have been the biggest blow good looking person behind the to the motorsport community wheel of an IndyCar vehicle. in years, Dan Wheldon, a driv"He was, by far, the best er from the Bryan Herta Auto- looking man in the sport," said sports team, was killed in a fiery Tom Steel of IndyCar. "He was BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
50¢
our poster boy for everything. Most of the other drivers are missing teeth." "He was British too," said fan Michelle Waldron. "Not only did that give him a great personality, but it gave you that novel feeling that he might forget that he was driving on an American road during the race and turn around and drive on the wrong side like they do in the UK." Organization officials are concerned, not only for the loss this was to the fans and spectators of car racing, but how it will affect the sport's overall image and future. "We are really stumped at this point, said Steel. "Nobody is as good looking as him and nobody has as much personality, wit and charm as he had. So the only thing we have left to rely on is talent. And, of course, we have never really had much of that .
I miss Four Loko!
ESTABLISHED 1970
Following recently released studies indicating uncannily high levels of self-awareness in the Rutgers student population, President Richard McCormick addressed press reporters with a scandalous statement: "As a top secret initiative to combat high levels of arrogance and douchery amongst the student population, Rutgers University paired up with a number of pharmaceutical companies and developed a breakthrough medication, dubbed Dextroawarenotal which cures the aforementioned conditions - which we then proceeded to sneak into the food at all the dining halls." The admission was shocking, but the public seemed largely unsurprised, seeing no other explanation for astonishingly high numbers of hipsters dying their hair back to normal colors, 75% of bros spending less time flexing their muscles whenever they walk past a reflective surface, and a staggering drop in the amount of drunken sorostitutes in the street at 1:30 AM yelling, "Ohhh myyyy god I'm sooo drunkk I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR A PUMPKIN BOMB." Amidst the controversy, McCormick defended the university, saying, "Are you complaining? All we did was make people less annoying." The issue has even gained nationwide publicity, with celebrity advocate Mel Gibson forming a new religion, the Self-Awareists, whose sole ideology is to think before speaking or acting. Gibson's first public statement on the matter: "I no longer blame the Jews for my rampant alcoholism."