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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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OCTOBER 14th, 2009
Volume xl Issue VI
SCARY THINGS
BROZILLA ATTACKS HUB CITY BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—The infamous Brozilla has descended upon Hub City and has transformed the once-teeming metropolis into bones and rubble. New Brunswick stands proud no longer. Eyewitnesses report that the attacks commenced at around 11:30 last Saturday – an hour colloquially known as “party time”. “I was just on my way to this rager at 95 Senior,” said one Mike Dimtsios, SAS Junior and self proclaimed “bro to the max”. “All of a sudden, I heard this big, screeching, ‘BROOOOOOOOOO!’ and this huge claw comes out of nowhere, literally ripping the house out of the ground.” It wasn’t the only house to suffer such a fate. Hundreds of former college houses in the slums of New Brunswick have been reduced to nothing more than basements and empty solo cups. According to broologist Daniel A. Johnson, Brozil-
la’s behavior was perfectly normal. “Brozilla knew that masses of bros take refuge in New Brunswick’s basements on Saturday nights to ‘get their drank on.’ By tearing a house away from its foundations, Brozilla effectively exposes all the scurrying bros for easy consumption.” Added Johnson, “It’s probably for the better.” A citywide census taken on Sunday reports that only 56 bros survived the attack, which means that Brozilla destroyed over 89% of the bro population. The Department of Homeland Security declared the situation an official “brodown.” “It was the worst one since the attacks on the 1998 Dave Matthew’s Band World Tour,” spoke one DHS officer. “God, Brunswick had more bloody popped collars than a vampire convention!” Brozilla would like it to be known that if you have a bro infestation you need taken care of, he is BRO NO! available for immediate contract.
It’s bro-ing down in Brunswick.
SPORTS
Texas Southern Shut Out; Runs Naked Lap BY ZAYIN GADOL STAFF WRITER
RUTGERS STADIUM—After their 42-0 shutout, Texas Southern ran the mandated naked lap around Rutgers stadium, much to the glee of the 50,000 fans in attendance. Despite accusations of misinterpretation, referee Glenn Poole insists that the obscure rule can be found on page 134 of the 11th edition NCAA rulebook. “The rule clearly states that, upon total shutout, a team is obligated to strip and run a single, full lap around the stadium. God, doesn’t anybody read the 11th edition?!” As of press time, five students died of laughter and four more are listed in critical condition at St. Joseph’s hospital. To prevent further casualties, the University has instituted a temporary ban on beer pong, the popular drinking game with a similar naked lap clause. The football team, meanwhile, is enjoying the latest victory. “Nothing says ‘fuck you, losers!’ better than watching them run around with their junk flopping out after a huge loss,” posited Coach Greg Schiano. “It was really an exhilarating milestone in my douche-bagging career.”
HEALTH AND WELLNESS
“SHOTS FOR SHOTS” PROGRAM LAUNCHED TO PROMOTE H1N1 VACCINE BY MICRO F-150 STAFF WRITER
HURTADO—A controversial new university health program has been generating a buzz on campus. Rutgers Health Services is offering free liquor shots for all students who recieve the H1N1 vaccine. Nurses hope the promotion will entice students to take this
critical step toward warding off a campus-wide “bacon fever” epidemic. Garnishing praise, the program brought in hundreds of participants within its opening hours. By vaccinating these students alone, public health officials have estimated that the risk for a full on viral outbreak has been curbed by 15%. The
effort was inspired by the Rutgers herpes outbreak of 2002, which nurses quelled by stuffing condoms with lubricant and fun flavors into students’ orientation packets. Some students have been confused by the program, showing up for what they believed to be a university funded shot for shot drinking competi-
tion. Freshmen Greg Richardson is one such student. “I came out here to show off our shot-taking skills and it turns out they’re just giving out swine flu shots,” said Richardson. “Then I saw my friend getting his vaccine shot. I wasn’t going to be outdone by that pussy, so I continued, “SHOT FOR SHOTS,” page 2
2009 GUBERNATORIAL RACE
Christie vows to inspect every buffet in state BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
BUTTZEVILLE, NJ—During a campaign stop at the Hot Dog Johnnie’s road stand, former U.S. Attorney and current candidate for governor Chris Christie (R-Mendham) announced a new plank to his reform platform: a goal to personally investigate every “all you can eat” buffet in the state during his first year of office if elected. “There are many restaurants and diners with buffets throughout the Garden State. Yet, there are many unethical goings-on behind those magical four words,” said Christie in between bites
MMM. DEMOCRACY. He’ll catch white collar crooks, as long as he doesn’t have to run after them.
of his wiener. “Like, for instance, some have a time limit of only one hour, and for others drinks and dessert costs ex-
tra. It is a goal of mine to visit every one of these places in the state, make sure they respect the rights of the consumer, and lock those up that don’t!” After taking a sip of buttermilk, he then added, “I’m pretty sure this is Carla Katz’s fault.” When reached for comment, Jersey Democrats rolled their eyes and immediately went on the offensive. “This is all new to us,” remarked State Democratic Chair Joseph Cryan. “If I recall correctly, when he was US Attorney for the state he was all for protecting the small restaurateurs from frivolous lawsuits, before being pres-
Literature for the emotionally troubled ESTABLISHED 1970
sured by the Big Breakfast Lobby. Now, by turning around and prosecuting them to the fullest extent of the law, he’s bitten off more waffle than he can chew.” This adds upon other planks in Christie’s platform, including “stopping the tofu-eating Trenton crooks from regulating Trans Fats,” cutting taxes on saltwater taffy vendors, who are being “driven out of State thanks to Democratic granola machine policies” and allowing restaurant receipts to be used as property tax deductions.