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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xlii Issue V
October 12TH, 2011
SPORTS
NATIONAL HUMOR COUNSEL DECLARES STEVE JOBS JOKES 'TOO SOON' BY CASTLETON SNOB AND KCIG STAFF WRITERS
CALIFORNIA— The National Humor Counsel (NHC) held a national press conference this week, in which it was officially declared that all jokes regarding the death of Steve Jobs are “too soon”. This places the death of the Apple co-founder on the list of “too soon” topics that includes such events as the Holocaust and American slavery. “The only appropriate sentiment to express is solemnity in the wake of this tragic event,” said Justin Nowak, president of the NHC. “Expressing any sort of joke, whether it be saying ‘iSad that Jobs is dead’ or making a cartoon of Steve Jobs selling an iPad to God to make heaven more efficient, is deemed ‘tasteless’ by the Counsel.” “Even jokes like ‘is it ok to make jokes about Steve Jobs or is it too Zune?’ or ‘Heaven just made a ‘bonnng’ start up noise’ are considered to be in
NEWS QUIKIES
Kanye West visits Occupy Wall Street Movement
"Imma let you finish, but the Rodney King riots were the most active and well-noticed mass protests to comment on American hierarchy and social injustice OF ALL TIME!"
Clothier resident thinks free food bin at the end of the hall is great NO. NOT FUNNY. We would say 'An apple a day can only keep the doctor away for so long,' but that would be tasteless and crass.
poor taste,” continued Nowak. “And it’s especially offensive to say something like ‘what’s the difference between cancer and black people? Cancer gets Jobs.” The projected data for removal of Jobs passing from the “too soon” list is around November 20th of this year, though it is subject to change. Vice President of the NHC, Christopher Burgess added, “This is not to say that crass indi-
SCIENCE
"R U Against Hunger? Heck yes I am! I've had the munchies since noon and these cans of pumpkin are really going to hit the spot!"
viduals won’t make jokes about Jobs’ passing. However, these jokes should be met with the audience shaking their heads and lamenting ‘too soon’ until such Medium staff time as they are deemed appro- urge local writer priate.” to stop singing In the meantime, the NHC encourages the public to joke during their meetabout topics recently removed ings from the “too soon” list, such as "The last thing we need the Vietnam War and the death whilst thinking of stories is some of Princess Diana. idiot totally butchering Eurythmics' Sweet Dreams!"
U to convert classrooms into saunas BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' NEWS EDITOR
CALIFORNIA— Recently, the Rutgers administration has come under scrutiny as many students began complaining about how hot certain classrooms in Scott and Lucy Stone Halls have been unbearably hot even though it’s the middle of October. “Yeah it’s hot as ballsssss in here!” said Rutgers Junior Rob Pawlenti, “I was in class FOR THREE FUCKIN HOURS learning about existentialism…and when I had gotten up to leave I felt like my shirt was an extra layer of skin.” President Richard McCormick issued a recent a statement that assured students that they weren’t just turning the heat up. “No, no, no it’s much better than that! We’re making all the rooms in the major classroom halls into saunas!” said McCor-
50¢
News Editor misspells "Quickies" at the top of this column "Ha! You probably didn't notice that, did you? You're in college and you can't spell a simple word? Ha! Ha! You know what? That's actually pretty sad. You should reevaluate your life."
Students now have a legitimate excuse to clothe themselves as minimally as possible
mick, “We’re at the beginning stages right now, but definitely by spring semester we should have them up and running!” While many debate that this method is bordering sadism, McCormick pointed out the health benefits of having saunas. “Saunas are great for people who have rheumatoid arthri-
tis and coronary heart disease," stated McCormick. "It is also a great way to lose weight! Ain’t no way better of losing all that fat from the grease trucks than sweating it off with your classmates. I’d like to see Jared from subway try and lose as much weight as these kids will be losing with silly old Subway!”
Green Eggs and BAM! ESTABLISHED 1970
Michael Vick says everyone misinterpreted "The Dream Team" "I don't understand why everyone is so upset. We called ourselves the "Dream Team" 'cuz fans were supposed to dream about us playing well. We weren't actually gonna play like professionals. Coach told us if we keep this up we might even end up in last place!"