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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
october 10th, 2012
Volume xliii Issue V
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
CHRIST JOINS EVANGELICALS AT COLLEGE AVE BUS STOP
BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR IN CHIEF
COLLEGE AVE—Jesus Christ, prominent Christianity advocate, has recently joined a group of proselytizing Christians frequently spotted at the Rutgers Student Center bus stop. Christ, 35, was first seen with the group last Thursday, shouting Bible verses into a megaphone and holding a sign that read “ACCEPT ME AS YOUR SAVIOR.” “Yea, I am the way, the truth, and the life,” said the son of God. “No man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14:6.” When asked about His intentions at the University, Christ responded into the megaphone, “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Luke 5:31, 32.” Student reacted immediately to the Messiah’s visit. “I tried to engage Him in a calm debate,” explained junior, Charles Barry, majoring in Mechanical Engineering. “You
QUICKIES
Lazy male senior sits down to pee On the fourth floor of the Rutgers Student Center last Friday, student Wes Hamberg opted to unzip and sit on the toilet just to pee. "Thursday night was so hard, just so hard. And all those steps to the top of the RSC man, it just totally blows. Don't judge me man," said Hamberg. Unfortunately, his roommates totally did by removing not one, but two man cards.
Student finds that roommate knows too much about ass-hamsters to have never had one DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST? Christ, second from right, demonstrates at the Student Center bus stop.
know, really see if He understood the verses He was yelling at us. It never got too heated but He didn’t give up any ground.” Barry continued, “I shook His hand to thank Him for the
intellectually stimulating debate, and then I was cured of all my ills, and stuff. I guess that’s cool. But I wouldn’t say He made me less agnostic.” Continued on Page 2
DOWN BY THE BAY
Former Rutgers Football Coach Greg Schiano Slowly Developing Nervous Facial Tic BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
TAMPA—Though Coach Greg Schiano has left Rutgers for the warm skies of Florida, his new job is not all relaxation and mai tais. According to a spokesperson for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Schiano is seeing treatment for a nervous tic that has suddenly developed in his face. “There is nothing to worry about,” said Lauren Wilton, Head of Public Relations for the team. “It has only developed recently and is easily treated.” According to a psychiatric nurse who had made contact with Schiano during his treatment, the tic came suddenly and nobody knew what had causing it.
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“It came very suddenly, just after the first Rutgers football game of the year,” said the nurse, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “And, as the weeks have gone on, its just been getting worse.” Schiano, who was last honored back in 2006 for his coaching abilities, has already gen-
erated negative press with the Buccaneers with controversial plays and team management. “We think he may have Tourette’s as well,” said the nurse. “We mentioned to him that the Knights had just gone 5-0 and that Coach Flood is doing an excellent job, and he just started wildly cursing.”
12 inches, 1 minute ESTABLISHED 1970
"Not that there's anything wrong with that, just, it's...nevermind," said Plum Street resident Derek Peterson.
Nervous teacher imagining class in underwear charged with sexual harassment.
Dirk McCullum was removed from his classroom in handcuffs after trying the old tighty-wighty calming trick last Thursday. "I know people these days are a lot more sensitive, but hey with the way Slutgers students dress, I barely had to use my imagination," said McCullum from prison. The accused is set to appear in court next week, blindfolded.
Freshman cleaning clothes for the first time caught moneylaundering.
The crinkled up wet 20 dollar bill in the back of his jeans did in fact make it out in one piece. It was the clear work of a scrub. A 35 minute scrubbing on "perm press," whatever that means.