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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
JANUARY 26th, 2011
Volume xli Issue xiii
50¢
YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY
NEWS QUICKIES
Elton John gives birth to Hugh Heffner's future wife "It can breast feed itself quite well!" beamed new father Sir Elton John.
Professor finds success texting lectures in lieu of speaking PPL, PLZ RD CPTR 7 2NITE MKAY? R U LSTN'NG 2 ME?!
McCormick cuts RU budget in half with scissors "Well, it was worth a try," McCormick said as he picked up the copy of the cut budget and threw it out the window.
State Theater states that NJ is the official state of the stately State Theater
REPUBLICANS DOMINATE PARTY Occupy every seat in the house
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
MINE STREET—It was one of the few instances where babies and fetuses were the prolife of the party. A house on Mine Street became host to an inordinate number of hard core republicans during a party last Friday night. “I wasn’t expecting the Republicans would take over,” said Tyler Peterson, one of the home's occupants. “They had every seat in the house.” Numbers grew to approximately 100 registered republicans and 32 who were too lazy to register but who identified as a republican because they took an online exam which told them so. When the party organizers attempted to place a cap on the number of people in the house,
PARTY
Continued on Back
DUNKINOMICS
A scene from the floor of the house last Friday night. Because of the shockingly overwhelming republican majority, party goers decided to impose term limits on house chairs, believing it to be a fair distribution ensuring the greatest good for the greatest number of people.
NEWS IN PICTURES
Dunkin' Donuts Co. MOUNTED PATROL HORSE bought with gift cards PROMOTED TO DETECTIVE BY THE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
WOODBRIDGE—Local coffee enthusiast, David Henderson, received an unexpected gift this past Christmas, total ownership of Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. Henderson received $7.8 million in Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards for Christmas last month which further added to other credit he had previously established with the popular donut and coffee retailer. Overall, through gift cards, coupon books, and one mysterious gift check, Henderson was able to find a loophole into purchasing the company, without even knowing it. Company executives are baffled by the stunning find this past week but they are willing to work with Henderson to make Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. an even greater success.
In an effort to connect with the company better, Henderson will be legally changing his name to Dave Swaminatham Ramalingalum. “I have no business background whatsoever, I’m a pizza delivery guy,” said Henderson. “But I know enough that I should be able to relate to the people I will be working with; it's all about blending in.” This is not the first time Henderson has been recognized for his obsession with Dunkin’ Donuts coffee as last spring he violated a building code in his neighborhood when he stacked hundreds of boxes full of gift cards across his front lawn. “I ran out of room in my house for them and I wanted to keep every single card,” said Henderson. “I plan on never paying for coffee again, so far so good.”
Officer Sugarlumps, a five year veteran of the RUPD Mounted Patrol Unit, was promoted to Detective in a ceremony last Friday. Sugarlumps recieved a hefty wage increase, including a signing bonus of ten pounds of hay.
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