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INSTA: @themediumRU
Sept. 19th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue II 50¢ THE LEAST SEXY TYPE OF SLIMEY
QUICKIES
Shits WET WEATHER BRINGS A SLIMY Woman Pants After Activia SURPRISE TO RU TRANSIT Eating Yogurt Before THOT JOPLIN KING OF RAGTIME
NEW BRUNSWICK– As the rainy, humid summer continues to drag itself out into an even rainier, even humid-er autumn, the Rutgers University New Brunswick campus has entered a state of perpetual dampness. Lecture halls are absolutely dripping with moisture. Dorm rooms are soggier than ever, and all the computer labs are a little slippery. Even New Jersey’s second-largest transit system, the Rutgers buses, have not escaped the season’s downpours unscathed. “Yeah, it’s pretty wet,” junior Spike Corucci sighed, dismounting an LX. “Sometimes people sit down and their pants get wet. Other times there’s just water dripping on people’s heads,” he added, when pressed for more details about bus
Spin Class Porn Directors Tired of Having to Pump Out Sequels
RIBBIT RIBBIT Check out the shine on that guy's skin!
conditions at the university. The air hangs heavy with droplets, and water pours in hurried rivulets down the walls and support poles. New hire bus driver Jeannine Prinz has taken notice. “Kids are leaving little notes to let other
passengers know what seats are wet. They’re really sliding around back there. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving through a rainforest, but that might just be because of the frogs. They make a ridiculous amount of noise.” Prinz was surprised to learn Continued on Page 2
MAMMA MIA!
ARCHAELOGISTS FIND THAT PIZZA HUT AND OLIVE GARDEN ORIGINATED IN SAME ITALIAN TOWN NIFTY KNITTER JUST TOO SHORT
TUSCALOOSA— Pizza Hut and Olive Garden share more than you think. The two well loved Italian restaurant chains originated in the same region of Italy, according to new discovery by archaeologists. After a new investigation in Tuscany, a team of archaeologists, led by Quinn McDonald of University of Western Alabama, uncovered the remains of what he claims to be the first Olive Garden restaurant. “It was really a shock,” McDonald explained in his endearing southern drawl. “We thought we were digging up the remains of your
PERSONALS
the
MediuM CHICKS NOT DICKS
(Unfortunatly for them, that’s exactly what I’m into) I’ve always wanted to have a foursome. Two guys, two girls. The girls start hooking up. Then the guys leave. Then the two girls proceed to have sex without the guys. Best foursome ever. I hate those obviously lesbian chicks. You know, the ones with the sidecuts on both sides of the head? And then she has like TEN THOUSAND rainbow pins on her bag? Like bitch I get it you love pussy. (I’m one of those girls! Just kidding. No one can tell I’m a lesbian)
PROFFESSIN
Professors are already laying on with the homework. I think they need to get laid. Some babe has to go suck their cocks all at once before they continue to take it out on us. (OR they can all suck each other’s cocks. To economize) Does my macro professor know he is supposed to confirm if an answer is correct when he asks a question? Goddamn I feel bad for him. Fuck those oldman professors fuck walking around and rambling when I’m trying to LEARN why the fuck do I even come to fucking classes why don’t they all just die. (President Barchi, is that you?)
YAOI OF THE WEEK: JOHNLOCK
BUTTHURTIN Dear New Personals Editor, Who are you to stand where he stood? Did you even go to medical school? Whose salad did you have to toss to finagle into your new job? Many other qualified candidates were in the running and for all I know, you pretended you were the Native American child of the company’s president. Fuck affirmative action and nepotism. Because of people like you, I’ll be unemployed, writing personals long after I’m forced from squatting behind the freshman dorms. YOU AIN’T NEVER GONNA GET ME! I look forward to seeing how you do. (Well I’m no Doctor, but I’ll be happy to lobotomize) Where’s that Hipster J fucker? You cut out his tongue and stick it into his anus so much that he got phantom tongue tastings and puked? (He is still alive and well in my basement)
CHIMPING OUT Back on Saturday, February 1, I was eating in Livingston Dining Commons. A few tables away were a pair of black girls, talking about some boy problems. Then it happened: one of these sisters casually called the other one "Nigga". The exchange that followed was just what I like to see during this month. "What did you just call me?!" Quietly the self-loathing girl responded, "I only called you a nigga!" The stern reproach-ment that ensued was a memory that I will cherish always and it truly instilled in me the meaning of this month-long honorary holiday. (Just as Dr. King would have wanted)
Sock Under Bed Upgraded from Crusty to Full-On Solid Congress at Halt after Every Light Bulb in Building Dies
Wednesday, Feburary 12th, 2014
“Sadly, there are no black people on staff.”
FOOT FETISH
To the guy in the Red and To the girl with those Blue ski jacket studying weird devil tail piercings for corporate finance in on her lips. How in the Alex Library on 12/10. living fuck do you expect WTF did you kill and rub to hook up with, ironicalon your feet, it was far ly, motherfucking hooks worse than anything that in your mouth!? That I have smelt in my entire shits scarier than that life. And to have your shoe Teeth movie. off and rubbing your foot (That’s how they trap and on the floor is absloutly devour their meat, duh) disgusting. PSA..don’t sit on the first floor of Alex These Asian chicks are near the “microfiche coljust so fucking cute I lections”, you may end up could eat them up, if you with a fungal infection. know what I mean. PLEASE clean your fuck(Cannibalism is always the ing feet bro, no one should answer. Asians love that be smelling that shit!!! shit) Gotta watch at for the short chicks at the college hall bus stop. They will punch you for a spot on a F
DemocraticSocialist Won't Share Popcorn at Movies
THE DOCTOR IS OUT Sup bitches, we got a new personals editor this semester. Dr. Tossed Salad, M.D., had to be hospitalized from having his asshole licked one time too many. But don’t take your panties off the ground just yet, ‘cause Anime Hair is here to make all you guys and gals happier than ever before.
If you’re a hot lady with questionable sexual
morals, or a guy after the same thing, or even someone of neither gender who likes to bitch, submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
MISSED CONNECTIONS (In honor of Valentine’s Day) W4M, College Ave. I was the freshman at the Zeta party, you were a Brother from Zeta. I can’t believe what we did last night!! I’ve never done that before and you were pretty good but you seemed to have left accidently before we could exchange numbers. Please fill me in on the details because I don’t exactly remember much!!!! What was in that drink????? M4W, Busch You at front row of physics class. Blonde hair. You very pretty would like to meet? I will even shower. Sorry English is no good. M4W, Livingston You convinced me to let you in to I, Frankenstein even though you had no money to pay. I don’t know why you would promise to blow someone for such a shitty movie, but anyway, you owe me. W4W, Douglass We locked eyes at the Women’s Rights protest last Sunday. You were wearing the “Don’t Talk to Me If You’re a Man” t-shirt, I was the one with the side cut and glasses. I would love to meet up to discuss the implications of women of color speaking out for themselves more than ever. And then later, we can eat each other’s pussies. M4W,Cook Girl I heard you talking about being REALLY excited about the ‘Chocolate Fantasy’ night coming up. Allow me to make it a reality for you. W4M, Livingston We met at the Student Palestinian Support Group. PLEASE stop blowing up my phone!!! M4M, Chabad House You know what we did together in the synogogue. Let’s do it again.
Think you can one up that? Submit suggestions!
Holy cannoli, they're neighbors. typical run-of-the-mill mom and pop pasta joint, but when we discovered the rusted breadstick basket we knew we were onto something big.” The findings
included a few broken terracotta roof shingles and remnants of a faded, but noticeably iconic pale yellow stucco wall. What truly Continued on Page 2
VERY HORNY Since 1970
Hurricane Florence Cancels Florence + the Machine's flight from NC to Florence