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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue III
QB Teel Injures Pimping Hand Will Sit Out Remainder of Pimp Season Rutgers Receives $120 Billion for Death Ray New Brunswick- In his annual address to the University, President Richard McCormick noted key donations by Alumni all over the country. “We have had past students donate millions of dollars towards programs like expanding the business school and upgrading housing ,” said McCormick. “But they pale in comparison for the $120 Billion donation for the construction of a Rutgers University Death Ray to be finished within the year.” The Death Ray will use concentrated heat particles to act as a giant microwave oven, literally vibrating the water molecules to the point where a human literally explodes. “I am very excited to see all of the possibilities that the Death Ray will offer Rutgers!” exclaimed Rutgers Evil Scientist School Dean, Dr. Dorlov von Frankenburg.
Robitussin Unveils New “Fraternity” Size Bottles Richmond, VA- Robitussin finally decided to listen to the thousands upon thousands of requests of fraternities nation-wide and unveiled the new “Fraternity” size bottles. “We were inundated with complaints from Phi Kappa Alphas and Delta Delta Taus that it was too expensive to keep purchasing small bottles in order to more easily seduce drunk girls,” says VP of Marketing Dan Rothis. He then added, “I mean help drunk girls feel better...yeah...” The new bottles will come in Gallon, Double Gallon, and Pound That Shit Bro! and will be offered at a steep discount to frats on the condition that the purchaser can do a Jaeger-Bomb on the spot.
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- It is truly a sad day for the Rutgers Varsity Pimping Squad as star Pimp Mike Teel will be forced to sit out the remainder of the season with a year-ending pimp hand injury. “Personally, I just feel...like I let down my friends on the team and the fans at home,” said Teel of the injury. “If Big Macky Mac or The Honorable Righteous Doctor Slickity Slap can’t keep their Ho’s in check, I just can’t be there to lay down the lesson.” He then added, “and by lesson, I mean learnin’ a bitch to the theory of the back of my hand.” The pimp hand injury occured at last Saturday’s game versus Navy. After throwing a game-ending interception, Teel was leaving the field in agony and disgrace when approached by Sophomore Glen Lee. Lee tried to offer words of encouragement to Teel, telling him to “keep his head up.” Teel, frustrated at the interception, interpreted Lee’s words of encouragement as Lee trying to get out of paying Teel for the blow job he gave to a “John” on the corner of Easton and Hamilton. Teel’s hand lashed out towards Greg’s cheek almost by instinct and made contact with Lee’s helmet. Despite years of pimp experience and conditioning, Teel’s pimping hand could not hold up to the heavy plastic covering and it broke into 3 separate pieces. As for Greg Lee’s health, his helmet absorbed the majority of the physical impact but failed to stop the lowering of self-esteem brought on by the successful connection of pimp-hand to body. Currently, he will be sent to the team psychologist and is put on the injured reserve roster pending psychological evaluation.
Quarterback/Pimp Mike Teel is pictured here prior to his hand injury. When asked about the incident, Greg was incoherently mumbling gibberish, occasionally exclaiming that “Big Daddy Teel is going to kill him” if he doesn’t “come up with some dough for his blow.” Coach Schiano could not be reached for comment on the incident although we can predict that he would defend Teel at any cost. The injury plagued Teel is no stranger to hand injuries as he spent the latter part of the football
season with an injured thumb which negatively impacted his throwing game. While the entire Rutgers fan base pleaded with Head Coach Schiano to sideline Teel, he muscled on through leading Rutgers to a 8-5 season last year. Since then, Rutgers has gone 0-3 with a healthy Teel at the helm which has led to many grass roots groups organizing to form a “Sprain Mob” to seize Teel and injure him in order to improve his game .
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