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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
Volume XXXVIII - Issue XIII
Work Finished On THC Collider Scientists Forget What They Need It For Superman Arrested for “Himselfing” That Ho Metropolis- Superman plead guilty to the charges of First Degree Murder and Soliciting Prostitution in the Metropolis Supreme Court on Monday. “We responded to a 911 call on the corner of 5th and Sideview and when we got there, we found a dead hooker lying in the street,” says Detective Gordon Westwood, “no one around could provide us with any information as to who could have done it so we went to tag and bag the body when we noticed the cape stuck to her back.” The cape found on the body matched perfectly with the one that Superman was wearing earlier that day and he was brought in for questioning. After some Kryptonite coffee, a half-dead Superman confessed to the crime and will now serve a life time sentence in Metropolis City Jail.
Ice Breaker Games Going Strong After 3 Weeks New Brunswick- Even though First-Year Orientation ended 3 weeks ago, one brave Red Shirt and her Orientation group are still pushing through the list of Ice Breaker games. “We were doing so well with ‘What Can/Can’t Fit Through the Door’ that we forgot class had even started!” says OL Simone Thomas. “A few days ago, the Froshies figured out what the door rule was and it could’ve killed the , but I sprung into action and initiated a round of ‘A Cold Wind Blows’ which is the game we’re currently playing!”
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Amsterdam- After many years of planning and construction, the Dutch Science Foundation announced the completion of the THC Collider, the latest scientific wonder machine on Tuesday. “Its taken like, 17,000 years to build man and it costs like...I don’t even want to think about it dollars,” said Head Physicist Dr. Moon Wolfbeam, “and besides, money is like evil propaganda force-fed to us through the corporate society dude...it’s the corporations, man!” While it is true that Dr. Wolfbeam and his team have an odd distrust in corporations, the majority of funding for the project has come from corporate sponsors such as Disney and General Electric. In response to this, Wolfbeam said, “you just blew my MIND man!” The THC Collider has been under construction since the late 15th Century when Leonardo Da Vinci designed a machine that would eliminate world hunger permanently. Ironically, the machine now causes anyone in a 7500 mile radius to get the biggest munchies crunchy
Only the stickiest-icky will be used in the Collider cravings ever which has led to widespread famine. It took over 500 years to finish the 17-mile long chamber because the construction workers assigned to the project smoked enough legal weed on the job to wipe out their short-term memory of ever working on the tunnel. Tie-dye lab coat wearing Dr. Rainbow Smileytitty, chief of operations explained how the Collider works. “The 17 mile chamber is used to hyper-accelerate THC particles in order to collide them at nearlight speed with your brain which results in you getting fucking high
really fast! You will be high as balls and your balls will be high as themselves! The actual Collider itself is powered by a group of 10 Professional African Drum enthusiasts arranged in a circle, pounding out “chill rhythms” to rare, bootleg Simon and Garfunkel mixes we have in the lab.” After the initial shakedown tests are run, the scientists hope to use the machine to study the link between hot boxing and global warming and hopefully publishing their results in High Times Magazines’ Achievement in Physics Section.
Telemarketing Inventor Dies In Boating Homicide “About Fucking Time” Says Entire World BY NIGS McFINKELTON STAFF WRITER
Brunswick, NJ, was found along the boat debris. Police are stumped and have New Brunswick- Stanley O’Hagan, the man who invented the art of tele- no idea who could have killed this marketing died yesterday evening great man who contributed so much to society. No suspects have been due to a freak boating homicide. His boat was found along arrested. Chief Police Detective Walthe Raritan River with the believed blood, semen, and fingerprints of ter Schinn said, “We are working the killer. Additionally, a letter stat- 24/7 at the moment. We don’t have ing that the killer is John C. Hadley, any leads and the trail is going cold. who lives at 124 Smith Blvd., New It is a sad day today for everyone.
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[Rolling eyes] We definitely do not know who killed him.” The GPS locator for Mr. Hadley’s whereabouts was discovered at the scene and was promptly returned to him along with a mansion, keys to the city, and a pat on the back from police investigators.