04/02/08

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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXXVIII - Issue XX

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

McCORMICK TO CUT 800 MORE CLASSES LOW ATTENDANCE:WARM WEATHER TO BLAME JOHN BENDER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Rutgers University Academics suffered a crippling blow today as President Richard McCormick announced that 800 more classes will be cut resulting in the layoffs of 100 “very overworked” professors. “This new round of cuts comes as a last resort choice on my part,” said McCormick in a press conference held on Monday, “the classes that were cut were suffering from low attendance rates, probably due to the warm weather. Although warmer, nicer weather has a noted impact on attendance, there still was some concern over which specific classes were cut. “The terminated classes were mostly philosophy and economics courses, oh and by the way, we are no longer offering majors in philosophy, business, economics or finance because there are not enough credits available to meet the minimum requirements,” said Richard. Rutgers used to have a top-notch philosophy department but it has now been completely dismantled and merged with the Religion department as they both fo-

Artist’s depiction of the Pine Barrens after the completion of Coach Shiano’s multi-million dollar mansion. cus primarily on bullshit. In what the administration claims as an “unrelated item” a provision for football coach Greg Schiano’s new-new mansion has been added to next year’s budget because of recently freed up funds. This newnew mansion will actually be built in Southern New Jersey and will require the complete deforestation of

the Pine Barrens, an ecological preserve that the State government recently sold to combat the current fiscal crisis. When asked about the damages to the wildlife, Schiano said, “You didn’t mind when we plowed over the environmentally protected land for Schiano Mansion Home One.” When asked about

“The Weekly of”

his decision to sell the development rights to the Pine Barrens, Governor John Corzine held a press conference where he answered every question with “Fuck all y’all! You bitches didn’t have a plan of your own!” and, “If a better plan comes along, it’ll be when a inority becomes the President! Let’s see you protestors make balloons out of that!”

The Rutgers 1000, an anti-sports spending group, could not be reached for a comment as the 100 professors fired were members of the group which is now called the Rutgers 900 which is a “totally gay” group name according to McCormick.