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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXXVIII - Issue IX
ESTABLISHED 1970
www.themedium.net
$1.50
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Toilet Paper Crisis Getting Nearer Peaches-n-Quim Contributing Writer
Hear me out. With concerns about Oil prices going global, and with Exxon making 11.7 billion this quarter more then any company in history (that’s 1,300 cha-chings a second, see http://money. cnn.com/2008/02/01/news/ companies/exxon_earnings/) and us common oil using folks not seeing a dime of difference in pump prices. Heck, we didn‘t even get a thank you card from Exxon for using the fuckin fuel...they could have at least called or something. Anyway, the point is that gas prices are affecting other aspects of common day life whether directly or indirectly, milk, grain, and coffee prices have also gone up.
Some of this is not just due to gas prices, but I suspect that’s part of it don’t you? Now, my logic being completely based on my own delusional opinion here, but gas, grain, and coffee are necessities for most people. So if prices continue to rise in domestic products how long do you think it will be before that .45 cent roll of toilet paper skyrockets to $3.50? I’ll tell you, not long. Therefore I propose that before the end of the year, toilet paper price inflation will increase exponentially, seemingly defying gravity with its death defying feat. Here’s a chart showing an arrow going up, just to show you what that would that projected increase in toilet paper prices would look like in a chart, kinda.
I really feel we need a few tips to help us consumers to conserve our TP (our Toilet Paper, or Tactile Papyrus if you will) and I have a few suggestions for you. The Top 10 Toilet Paper Conserving Tips
1.) Use less, no really, I mean use a lot less. Like one square, just fold it a few times (this method not recommended for #2‘s) 2.) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen TP wasted on the floor and seats of bathroom stalls, common, its still good, and don’t you worry, a good broad spectrum antibiotic should get rid of that oozy rash. 3.) You know that plant you roommate has in the dorm, the one with the really broad leaves? Yea, use that, or you can bring in your own leaves from outside, just make sure they are not red, shiny or three per branch. You can also use old term papers, assignments etc. from those classes you didn’t do Super Smash Bros: Brawl Ruins 4.) well in last semester. They wipe well, and leave you with a strange sense of satisfaction. 5.) Use your hand, why not? I mean, there’s soap and sinks right there right? Thousands of Lives 6.) Use the copies of the Centurion or the Targum (WARNING, because of poor quality of Cal En His story was these papers, multiple copies may be needed to achieve satisfactory results, if possible.) Staff Writer echoed all across campus, 7.) Hate your roommate? Then the possibilities are endless! Bedspreads, clothes, etc., all as thousands of students esMarch 9th is a day chewed studying in favor of can be used as TP replacements! that will live in infamy for the manic, frenzied game- 8.) Fuck wiping, just shower a lot. a good many days, thanks play that is a hallmark of 9.) Use the Brower Dining Hall food, I find the pita wraps work well, God knows some of to what many are calling the Super Smash Brothers that foods not meant to be eaten. “A cruel, cruel joke,” on the series, a series of games that 10.) Ask a friend! part of Nintendo. features many of Nintendo’s “I was waiting for landmark characters duking attempting to maneuver the almost an entire point. fight people from all over Brawl for almost a year, it out for reasons yet uncharacter Samus through a The only thing being the world online, and with and when I heard that it was known. maze of targets, which were hit harder than the school’s over thirty-five playable coming out on March 9th, a “I got a C on that to be hit. students’ grades are those characters, it is believed by Sunday. I knew I was done exam. I know that if I had Initial estimates of on the receiving end of a many to be scientifically imfor,” said local student Jona- studied I would have gotthe damage dealt by the re- Falcon Punch. possible to say no to, a fact than Matthews, who had an ten at least an A, but I just lease of such a boss game is Unfortunately, howdiscovered by too many, too exam on March 10th. “Of couldn’t, could you blame that the average GPA of the ever, with the ability to late. course I wasn’t studying, me?” Said Matthews, while entire school went down by make one’s own stages, to who was?”
“Read, Dummy.”