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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XIX
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March 11th, 2009
Men’s Basketball Team Tests Negative for Testosterone “No Wonder They Suck”
BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick - Amidst flying accusations, the entire men’s basketball team submitted to a proprietary hormone test last Friday. Every single athlete tested negative for testosterone, the most widely used hormone in collegiate athletics. Independent analyst Kurt Sativa writes that the results provide “conclusive evidence” as to why the team “blows”. “I don’t want to say anything ‘out of bounds’, you know. I’m not taking ‘foul shots’ at anyone in particular here, not to set anyone’s ‘balls bouncing’. I don’t think we should get ‘netted’ up in the situation. It’s not like I want to ‘pick’ on anyone, but, uh...the fact of the mat-
ter is that the Rutgers’ basketball one.” Meanwhile, the women’s team is shittier than my bad jokes,” team head coach, C. Vivian Stringer posts Sativa on his blog. NCAA officials will be ban- or “C-Vivs”, tested positive for tesning the team from competing in tosterone, with levels that exceed the March tournament, but not on the LD-50 (Lethal Dos) for horses. “Bitch got balls,” said the grounds of their illicit hormone Epiphanny Prince, reignuse or lack thereof. “I’d rather be a ing savage of the women’s “We want to impress upon the ath- nappy headed team, when asked about her letic community that ho than a nappy coach. “Believe me when we aren’t banning Rut- headed bro.” I say that. She’s made me gers because they failed Epiphanny Prince lick them on more than one occasion. How do you the hormone test, even Reigning Savage think I got so good?” though this would be Prince also commented that the procedure for any other team,” she’d rather be a nappy headed ho commented NCAA spokesperson Bharat Mohan. “Rather, we just than a nappy headed bro, and for feel that Rutgers’ team is an embar- Mike Rosario to “see me, nigga.” rassment to mankind, and watching Rosario declined to comment. them play is a fate we wish upon no
Armstrong to Implant Tumor on Other Ball BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
A graph...
...that incidentally represents the relation of Lance’s Tour de France victories vs. his scrotal status
In This Editium of the Medium... Quality Reporting........................................ Page One Objective Journalism.................................. Page Two Balanced, Informed Opinions..................... Page Three “Cancer-Survivor Man” premieres on the Discovery Channel............................... Page Five Things That Are Shakin’............................. Page Eight
Paris - Due to his waning popularity, and the fact that Michael Phelps is now everyone’s favorite competitive exerciser, Lance Armstrong has had his sole remaining testicle implanted with a malignant, inoperable tumor. Scrotum expert Richard McCormick expects that this tumor will enable the six-time Tour de France champion to win another six Tours de France. “He’s got balls, that’s for sure. I’m interested in how this will all play out,” said McCormick. Lance has expressed interest in a third ball, but has been unable to find a doctor gay enough to complete the procedure. He also insists that he’s not gay.
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TYPO FOUND ON MEDICAL MARIJUANA PROPOSITION Lawmakers Legalize Medicinal Necrophilia
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Trenton - New Jersey state officials are scrambling to avert a disaster after they discovered a massive typographical error on Proposition 23, also known as the “Medicinal Marijuana” Proposition. Instead of voting whether or not to legalize the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes, New Jersey voters will be deciding whether or not to allow medicinal necrophilia. “This is bad. Very, very bad,” said New Jersey Proposition Chairman Jim Burns. “I’m pretty sure that this is bad. Wait, yes I’m totally convinced that people will not like me for some time. Aw, geez! My wife...oh dammit! I promised this wouldn’t happen a third time! Auggghhhh!” The typo was discovered by a low-level unpaid intern who was bored and looking through upcoming Propositions in order to stave off death. That’s when Steven Barron, 20, discovered the error. “At first, I thought that this was going to be the most dope Proposition since like, Civil rights or something,” Steven told reporters yesterday. “But when it turned out to be something that sick, I had to tell my boss right away. I mean... EW! Right?” Unfortunately for the Proposition office, the deadline to submit the final, unchangeable copy was Monday so the ballot is legally able to be voted upon by the public and accepted as law. If pro-Necro or “Nec-Pro” rights voters turn out en masse in support of P-23 and it passes, Governor Corzine will order NJDOT workers on a massive grave exhumation and corpse refurbishing. (continued,“Necrophilia”, page 2)