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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
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Studies Prove That This Could Be the Last Time Girl Gets Cheated On By Krunkle Kick Jennifer Leigh, a Rutgers College Junior, can finally/maybe rest assured tonight in the fact that scientists have officially concluded that Tuesday was probably the last time her boyfriend would cheat on her. “We have statistically proven that [Leigh’s] boyfriend probably won’t have the drive or determin tion necessary to find another one-night stand,” says
head scientist Randolph Richardson. The boyfriend in question here is Bobby Michaels, a Livingston College Senior and a self-described “Vag-net” and avid party attendee. Tuesday marked the 22nd time Bobby has cheated on Leigh who is said to be an “Ice Cunt” in the eyes of Bobby’s friends. Leigh had contacted Richardson a few days ago to conduct research on his
cheating patterns and Richardson has made an official conclusion. “The number of horny, clean, and moderately drunk girls is decreasing every time Bobby gets laid, at this rate, Bobby’s sex life will degrade to a level where a simple accidental bump against his genitals will send him into a wild, thrashing orgasm,” explained Richardson. “We believe that
Bobby will eventually have to return to a quasi-faithful relationship between him and Jennifer unless of course, he just goes to a different party instead of that one next door to his house.” Plus, scientists have determined that Michaels has been given “a balls load” of STD’s from Friday night’s conquest which might slow him down. As of the publication of this story,
“Now with 5% less bullshit”
Bobby still hasn’t received medical treatment, despite his foot falling off but we’re pretty sure that it’ll be fine as long as he takes some Motrin. (Ed. note: Any clean, horny, and moderately drunk girl is more than welcome at our meeting tonight at 9.15pm in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center. Condoms will be provided.)