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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue xviII HIRED TO FIRE
OTHER RU SPORTS TEAMS REQUEST APPEARANCE FROM CANNON CREW BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
BUSH—After a lengthy term of service at Rutgers Stadium, the cannon team, who is responsible for firing the cannon after the football team scores, concluded their trial run with the basketball team and will now move on to support additional sports on the banks. The team was successful in increasing the amount of student excitement during the basketball games and it seemed only logical to extend their rallying power to other suffering teams. “We were disappointed how infrequently [the cannon] was used during the football season so what better way to bring them back to full force by placing them in a high scoring environment?” Said VP of Athletics David Bates. “Imagine every time a player on the tennis team serves the ball, you hear a deafening boom immediately after, Revolutionary style! Big Badda Boom, you just went down 15Love, bitch!” The cannon team will fire
Student Gets House in New Brunswick Only to Find Parents Are moving in With him
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
bels of sound per shot, similar to putting one’s head near a jet engine for 5 minutes. When asked about the potential damage to their hearing, an anonymous sophomore said, “WHAT!? I CAN’T HEAR YO…WHAT!?” In an unrelated series of events, Hurtado has proscribed 150% more condoms to students who have complained about having Stevie Wonder's hearing.
THE HOMEFRONT—In a time of terrible housing lottery numbers, sophomore Jeffrey Hares thought he would avoid the rush by applying to rent a New Brunswick house with several friends. Hares was lucky enough to get a house on Senior Street, but later discovered that his parents were to be moving in with him come June. “I’m paying for the damn place anyway” shouted father Ross Hares, “Plus it’s better then the crap hole we live in so why not take advantage of it?” Instead of Keg parties, the Senior Street house will host discussions with other college students about how they are bleeding their parents dry with tuition payments, and how we are ungrateful little bastards.
NEWS QUICKIES
IN FOCUS
"BOOM" SHAKALAKA The cannon team is prepared to fire on the referee if they call a bad shot.
every time Rutgers scores a run, point, goal or simply moves a chess piece, which happens around 30 or 40 times per match. Two weeks ago, the cannon was used for the basketball match against Louisville with fantastic results. Because of the RAC’s trapezoidal design, sound gets redirected and amplified down on the court level, resulting in loud volume levels. The cannon itself produces 140 deci-
Oregon credits population increase to historic trail
Thousands more die of dysentery en route SALEM—The U.S. Census Bureau has just released data that in the past decade there has been a significant rise in population for the state of Oregon. According to the Census Bureau, the overall population of the state has increased by 12% since 2000 and the numbers are still on the rise. State government officials believe the spike in population can be attributed to the revitalization of the historic Oregon Trail which stretches across the Midwestern United States towards Missouri. American pioneers former-
YOUR MOM
By Ignoramus The 3rd
DYSENTERY
BY THE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
50¢
MARCH 2ND, 2011
ly used the trail for commercial purposes, emigration, and territorially expansion throughout the 19th Century. However, the trail has recently been used by urban, Latino families to find sanctuary from segregation, overcrowding, and poor job markets. “The Hispanic population in Oregon has grown 64% between 2000 and 2010,” said Census Bureau Director Robert Groves. “On a related note, bicycle sales have also increased in Oregon.” Witnesses of the mass migration to Oregon have reported seeing Conestoga wagons Continued, “TRAIL” page 2
Dining halls to offer taste neutral food "We wanted to be able to accommodate everyone's tastes," said Douglass lunch lady Wilma Johnson. "So we're getting rid of taste distinctions all together."
Mattel to promote slimmer, "Active Line" Barbie dolls
Chris Christie eats controversial microwave dinn....
"Now you just wait a darn minute! I am sick and tired of "After I saw they did it with the news media being vigilant Mr. Potato Head, I looked at of every single freaking thing Barbie and thought, 'Hey, I do! That's right, I said it! It's she's kind of a lardass,'" said time we had an adult converMattel CEO Bob Eckert. Barbie sation about this." will now measure 36-0.8-33.
The Game is Afoot! ESTABLISHED 1970