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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXXVIII - Issue XVII
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
I TOTALLY FUCKED YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHILE YOU WERE IN THE OTHER ROOM, NO LESS CAL EN STAFF WRITER
Listen, bro? Listen. Last night, man. Last night I totally fucked your girlfriend. You don’t even know, man. You just don’t even know. Remember how we, like, went into the next room bro? So we could “talk” and shit? We weren’t fucking talking, bro. We were fucking. Bro. For your own good, bro. For your own good I’m going to tell you these things. Ok?
You’re going to need to stop beleiving that your girlfriend and I are going to talk about “private matters.” The only private matters in that room were bumpin’ into each other. If you know what I’m sayin’. Bro. How could you not have known that we were fucking in just the other room? Like, at first we were trying to be quiet and shit, but eventually we started getting loud as hell. The animalistic grunts that I emmitted, combined with her heaving gasps of pas-
sion should have alerted you to the fact that fucking was going on. Of course, what the fuck am I bro? Who the fuck am I that I would fuck your girlfriend not long after I met her. What the shit am I to actually fuck her, not only while you were around, but while you were in the very next room. That shit is pretty fucked up, bro. Ok, bro? Let’s just admit both parties are pretty fucked up. I’m fucked up because I fucked your girlfriend while you were in the
President McCormick Announces New Scheme to Fight Budget Cuts SECOND COMING CONTRIBUTING WRITER
From his office on Old Queens, University President Richard McCormick announced to the University community Rutgers’ plan to fight looming budget cuts. “I received a very formal sounding email from a ‘dear friend’ of mine, Mr. Dan Mustaf, explaining the terrible predicament in which he is held,” McCormick began. It appears this old friend of President McCormick has a “surplus sum of Fifty MillionUnited States Dollars” (sic) in the bank account of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation. The deal being struck between the two parties, sources have leaked, promises the University will receive 40% of the $50 million we help transfer—or $20 million. This major windfall has been preemptively earmarked to begin construction on a retractable roof for the foot-
ball stadium. The Rutgers Stadium Doming project will cost another $90 million, but with $20 million promised to the University already, McCormick said he and the board of governors feel quite comfortable making this purchase. Clearly Contacting McCormick because of his prestige, position of power, and the absence of any oversight over his fiscal policies, Mr. Mustaf has thus far asked President McCormick for a few pieces of information to initiate the transfer. They include: full name, contact address, private telephone and fax numbers, and company name. As a sign of good faith, McCormick sent Mr. Mustaf that information along with bank statements, credit card numbers, tax returns, and any other credible financial information he felt would be helpful. “Things are finally looking up for this shit hole University,” McCormick closed.
next room. Your girlfriend is fucked up because she fucked me while you were in the next room. You’re fucked up for allowing shit like that to happen. “Shit like that” refers to, of course, me fucking your girlfriend in he other room. I wouldn’t put up with that shit if I were you. If I were you, I would find the guy that fucked my girlfriend while I was in the other room, kill him, chop him up, and put him through a meat grinder, bro. Then, I would to-
tally fucking, cook him and feed him to my cheating girlfriend. After she totally fucking ate your flesh I would give her the big reveal, “Did your lover taste as good now as he did when you fucking him while I was in the other room?” The lover, of course is referring to me, the dude that fucked your girlfriend while you were in the other room. So bro, this may seem pretty fucked up, but that’s just the way it is.
Valentine’s Day Rapist Still At Large JOHNNY BIBOTCH CONTRIBUTING WRITER
It has been almost two weeks since the still-at-large Valentine’s Day Rapist struck the town of New Brunswick, raping over 23 women throughout the course of the day, and young college men could not be happier. “I was driving my girl to the movies and we were going to hit up dinner afterwards. I had presents in the trunk and everything, the whole day was going to cost me about 200 bucks. As we get to a red light, this dude puts a gun to my girlfriend’s head and tells her to get out. He starts raping her and I just drove off. I ended up able to return the gifts, and now I can finally buy that flat screen for the frat house.” Says Big D of Delta Phi. Men with girlfriends have known about the Valentine?s Day
The Weekly of Ironic Fingerpointing
Rapist for many years. They consider it to be a sort of lottery system; only the lucky will have their girlfriends raped. A fraternity brother known simply as “Meat” had this to say about the rapist: “I mean, one time I told Sarah we should walk down in Deiner park for a while, and after three hours, I figured I didn’t get lucky, and I had to actually take her out and shit. Fuckin’ awful. I missed a Madden tournament over that shit.” While the total count of women raped since the Valentine’s Day Rapist’s spree began seven years ago is only 107, it is speculated that he has at least 20, hopefully even 30 more years of raping ahead of him. RUPD declined to make a statement.