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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XVII
February 25th, 2009
50¢
New Student Survey: NJPIRG Kids Should Go Away BY ZOBBY ZOBLIN STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ - A new student survey, conducted by the Rutgers Psychology department, claims that students think that NJPIRG is by far the most annoying group on campus. The study was conducted in response to the recent allegations of stalking charges against many of the group members who have been accused of following people back to their dorms. The group members claim that “they were just trying to get signatures.” In a shocking turn of events, the survey found that basically nobody knows what “NJPIRG” is actually an acronym for. Most students had no idea, and answered in such ways as “Nice Jewish People
in Rain Gear” and “No joke people, I’m ridiculously gay.” Furthermore, another telling finding from the study was that nobody actually knows what NJPIRG does. Michael Lucas, a student from Busch campus explains “I have no idea what their purpose is, besides to annoy me multiple times a day.” Thomas Johnson, a College Avenue resident, displayed great displeasure when asked the same question. “I don’t know what the fuck they do. All I know is that they add 12 dollars to my tuition- which I definitely could have used last night when all I wanted to do was buy a Dime, smoke a blunt, and masturbate.” When asked why he couldn’t have just jerked off, which to my knowledge is free, he responded, “It’s tough to get it up when you
know you’ve been cheated out of twelve dollars.” Finally, the common thread that ran through the entire study was that when asked to rate NJPIRG on an “Annoyance Scale” from one to ten, students almost unanimously chose ten. Lisa Gibbons, a student who participated in the experiment, explained her reasoning. “When I walk into Brower, I’m pissed already because I’m going to have to wait like 37 minutes on the ‘cookto-order line’ and there isn’t going to be any Frozen Yogurt left in the machine. The last thing I need is for some douche bag to come up to me and ask me a question about saving the rainforest.” Similarly, an anonymous student who apparently is prone to using only semi-funny puns stated that, “NJPIRG is so fucking annoying. They should be NJPURGED from campus.”
Hollywood, CA- Last Sunday was Bollywood’s night to shine in the smog filled streets of LA, as the entire continent of India took center stage during the 81st Annual Academy Awards When asked about the octuple victory by the hit ‘Slumdog Millionare,’ Regis Philbin, the original host of the American version, said, “That kid never sucked my dick. He should have never have been in the hot seat to begin with. This story is bullshit.” Nimbin, Australia - That friendly neighborhood white guy is pretty satisfied with life. “It could be, you know, going better, but I think I can roll,” he remarked. “I don’t really know what I’m going to do today, though.”
“That Kid” U.S. Border Patrol Institutes “Virtual Agents” Peeks Out of His BY ABA SABABA red button on the Web site that reads Dorm STAFF WRITER ‘Nab That Mo’Fucka!’ and Border
The Border, TX- In a controversial program aimed at enhancing border security, Texas sheriffs have erected a series of surveillance cameras along the Rio Grande and connected them to the Internet. Thousands of people are now virtual Border Patrol agents — and they’re on the lookout for drug smugglers and illegal immigrants, also known colloquially as “Mexican Fucks.” Robert Fahrenkamp, a truck driver in South Texas, is one of the virtual agents. After a long haul behind the wheel of a Peterbilt tractor-trailer, he comes home, sets his 6-foot6-inch, 250-pound frame in front of his computer, pops a Red Bull, turns on some Steppenwolf, logs in to www.blueservo.net — and starts protecting his country. “Catching wetbacks gives me such a fuzzy feeling,” Fahren-
A typical border jumper can be seen through the streaming video
kamp says, “like I’m doing something for law enforcement as well as for our own country.” Online border patrolling is about as sexy as real-life police work — hours of tedium punctuated by minutes of high excitement [if you’ve ever tried to give a girl an orgasm, you can relate]. On Blueservo’s Web site, each camera focuses on an area that’s known for illegal crossing. Next to a real-time view of a grassy meadow is the message: “Look for the tiny scurrying little men!” When a citizen spots suspicious activity and wants to play his part in Democracy, they click a big
Patrol is immediately dispatched. To date, more than 43,000 people have logged on and become, as the Web site calls them, “virtual Texas deputies.” Donald Reay, executive director of the Texas Border Sheriff’s Coalition, says most of the virtual deputies are in Texas, though some are as far away as Australia. But there is political opposition, including from state Sen. Elliot Shapleigh (D-El Paso), who says the border cameras “invite extremists to participate in virtual immigrant hunts.” Bob Parker, another online border watcher, doesn’t buy that assessment. “Goddammit, I’m being patriotic,” Parker says. “Since when did racism become un-American?” *editors note: This is an actual article, taken from npr.com. The author is John Burnett. I shit you not - apart from the racist junk, this is real. But thats not to say racism isn’t real. Because it is. And it owns.
Your Healthy Alternative to Porn ESTABLISHED 1970
BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ – Due to the recent surplus of high seasonal temperatures, “that weird Asian kid” was seen outside multiple times. “Nancy,” a witness who requested to remain anonymous, commented that she “pretty much definitely” saw him in shorts yo-yoing outside Brett Hall. Experts agree that this sighting is the latest incident in the current rash of the weird kid “de-hibernation” across campus. “They’re like little groundhoglings, or Whack-a-Moles even... just kinda sticking their heads out and sniffing around,” remarked popular anthropologist Kurt Sativa. “This is February! They should be studying for midterms or stalking potential valentines on the dance team!”