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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXIX - Issue III
ESTABLISHED NOT TOO LONG AGO
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Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
RUTGERS ENACTS SEVERAL NEW PLANS IN LIGHT OF RECENT SHOOTINGS ALL STUDENTS REQIRED TO BE MEDICATED CAL EN STAFF WRITER
In light of the recent shootings at Northern Illinois University, Rutgers University administration has passed several new measures, in order to protect the student body. “The most likely cause of the shootings, according to officials,” said President McCormick at a tuesday press conference, “was that the shooter decid-
ed it was a good idea to go off of his meds.” “This obviously was not a good idea.” McCormick continued. Because of these alarming facts emerging from the tragedy, the University is not only enacting plans to ensure that current “crazies” are on drugs, but that all students are to be medicated immediately, in order to, as President McCormick said, “to catch all
the undiagnosed psychos; they give me the willies.” Starting next monday, all University students are ordered to report to their local medical care centers to pick up their monthly supply of medication, deftly named “Soma.” Any that do not will be picked up by the RU police for questioning. “Do not worry,” said President McCormick, “Soma will relax you, it will
even make you feel happy. Some studies have also indicated that Soma may also increase spatial sense!” The studies referenced by the President have not been located as of press time. Shortly after the first doses of Soma are taken, the University will be holding its first annual stadium fund-raising event, where school officials will drive around in a special car, and
ask Rutgers students for donations. The Stadium is expected to be paid for after this drive, which is anticipating total donations to be reaching upwards of 120 million dollars. Also, following the distribution of Soma, all library and computer labs will be shut down, as will a majority of the teaching staff of the university be laid off, sources say.
NEWS QUICKIES •Scientific Research proves that Puppies are cuter than kittens •Gay males do not produce more ejaculate than straight females •TVs without digital tuners will become obsolete in 2009 •Ray Rice to be sponsored by Uncle Ben’s Rice in NFL •Mustaches are now being served at Brower •The Targum will soon be printed on toilet paper this month in order to go along with its theme of Recyclemania •Celebration of the Giants’ victory in the Superbowl may have contributed to global warming •Those still celebrating said victory also proven to be uncreative at finding reasons to drink •Grocery chains to stop offering plastic bags, homeless people to consider alternative pillows See SPORTS page 9 for more details on RU football’s genetic engineering program!
•Can going to the zoo cause cancer? Find out on page 9
“Decaying the Human Soul for 30 years”