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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXIX - Issue I2
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RU BASKETBALL TICKETS PRICES TO BE LOWERED TO BOOST ATTENDENCE NEW PRICE TO BE -$10.00 CAL EN STAFF WRITER
With attendance at Rutgers Basketball games at an all-time low, school and athletics officials are looking for new ways to bring in a crowd. After discounting means deemed “too difficult” such as being, you know, good, the team decided that a decrease in the price of tickets was in order.
According to a demographic test of attendance, 100% of the attendees were students. However, seeing that student tickets are free, the new price would have to be below free, a limit thought to be impassible. Like the sound barrier broken in the early days of the aeronauts, all this endeavour required was guts, patience, and the ingenuity. The first step was to engineer a means of lower-
ing the price of anything below zero, a feat that Einstein said was impossible. “According the theory of relativity, what we have done is supposed to be impossible,” said Jack Arginio, lead price engineer, “to break the zero limit on pricing, we should have either created an explosion of n-megaton power, or increased the mass of the stadium to beyond infinity.” “Thankfully none
of those things happened.” Added Arginio. By realizing that a basketball ticket was merely representative of something, and not a real tangible object, they were able to break the price barrier, because it only applies to objects that have mass. Because price physics is still a new field of science, the exact reasoning is still disputed. In fact, some theologians have declared
the pricing to be an act of God, or Cthulu. Either way, now that pricing for basketball game tickets is so low, people are bound to start pouring into the stadium, thirsting for a good match. “We have not spared any expense in an attempt to make you people come to one of our games and see how awesome we are” said Coach Hill, “please come watch us.”
TARGUM’S “COMIC PAGE SHITTIFICATION” PROGRAM AHEAD OF SCHEDULE
RUTGERS NEWS QUICKIES
found in that stall, you were looking forward to some funny comics weren’t you? You were pleased to see Chemical Corporation something or another replaced by another shitty comic, which at least had some good art. “Eh,” you thought, “anything’s better than that piece of garbage.” That, however, was when you turned the page over and saw that Liquid Kids Classics was replaced by what appears to be the mad scribblings of an autistic toddler. This is the feeling that the Targum’s
• McCormick gives up on attempting to even seem plausible, “I’m just doing it for the LULZ” he says.
CAL EN STAFF WRITER
With the recent removal of “Liquid Kids Classics” from the Targum’s frequented Diversions page, the transition from readable page to page of mindnumbing shit is well on its way. While most newspapers strive to improve the content held within, the Targum continues its proud history of becoming worse with each passing semester. The first day of this spring semester, when you pulled open that Targum you
management is happily trying to create over and over again with its newly announced Shittification program. Next up is replacing Bizarro with either Family Circus or another Pop Culture Shock Therapy. After that Dilbert, Doonesbury, Get Fuzzy, Non Sequitur, and Peanuts are going to be replaced by tripe like Mutts and For Better Or For Worse. After that glorious moment, any remnants of quality will be stricken from the paper, to be replaced with mediocrity and downright God-awfulness.
• That dude sitting on the bus with a bookbag over the seat next to him while the bus is totally full is, according to recent reports, a total asshole. •
According to recent polls: that TA really does hate you.
• Despite being one of the few edible things remaining at the dining halls, eyewitnesses claim samosas are still served quite rarely. • New Study: showing up for class and napping does not differ from staying in your dorm and napping, despite popular belief. •
Sudoku half finished, left behind in lecture hall.
• Officials: glass missing from bus-stops was sold to pay for new stadium upgrade • It’s official: popping your collar actually makes you look like a giant tool
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