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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXIX - Issue II
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Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
RON PAUL MURDERS RIVAL REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES
“A system of capitalism presumes sound money, not fiat money manipulated by a central bank.” Says blood-thirsty Paul Cal En Staff Writer
WA S H I N G T O N DC - After losing yet again on Super Tuesday, according to sources close to the congressman, Ron Paul reportedly went berserk, hunting down and systematically killing and butchering rivals to the Republican candidacy. “Capitalism cherishes voluntary contracts and interest rates that are determined by savings,” said Paul between bites of Senator McCain’s calf, “not credit creation by a central bank.” Republican candidacy hopeful Paul is best known for the amount of grassroots support he has gained, specfically from the internet. His recent killing spree has many puzzled, however, because this sort of behavior is not characteristic of the soft-soken Republican with Libertarian leanings. After callously killing McCain and his entire staff, Republican ticket hopeful Ron Paul then made his way to the Romney election headquarters, taking time to give passerby his platform, in the hopes of winning their votes. “The guy was absolutely dripping with blood, and had a crazed look in his
eyes,” said one of the onlookers, “but he just reiterated his stand on illegal immigration, the economy, and his take on foreign policy.” Indeed, this was the most interest Congressman Paul has received outside of the internet in his entire candidacy, as people gathered from miles around to watch the little man and his “march of death.” “Deficits mean future tax increases, pure and simple.” He told anybody that would listen, “Deficit spending should be viewed as a tax on future generations, and politicians who create deficits should be exposed as tax hikers.” Unfortunately, the witnesses were too entranced in the violent orgy of death to listen to Ron Paul. After rending Mitt Romney’s flesh from his bones, Ron Paul then made his way to the headquarters of this final opponent, Mike Huckabee. Hungry for the blood of his last foe, Congressman Paul lost the last remnants of human thinking and began to say things that would best be described as the howlings of a wild animal. “World government is obviously unconstitutional.” Howled the now out-of-control beastman, “It undermines our country’s sovereignty in the worst way
“I am absolutely opposed to a national ID card. This is a total contradiction of what a free society is all about. The purpose of government is to protect the secrecy and the privacy of all individuals, not the secrecy of government. We don’t need a national ID card.” Said Ron Paul when asked why he went on his rampage. possible. That’s why I want us out of the UN, and the UN itself taking a hike.” Hacking away at Romney’s joints and limbs with a hatchet made out of
a log he found on the way there, some twine, and a crudely-chipped stone, he finally made his last statement before being dragged away by police officers.
“Our country’s founders cherished liberty, not democracy.” Said Paul, with the blood of his opponents dripping off of his teeth and forearms.
“The Paper That You Read Whilst Taking A Dump”