Itwasunfair.Howeasyitwasforhim.Foxglove'sexistence,whichseemedsoeasyand generallyuntroubled,seemedunfairtoKiernan.Hiseasyexistence,instupid,itchy,toosmall, Kirklandsignaturecollaredshirts,wherehewasalwayshappyandsweatyandtouchy,made Kiernan’smusclesseize.
Foxglove wassettledinbetweentwogirls,temporarypickupsforthenight,feedingthemsix dollarmaltliquorandtradingcigarettesforachancetocopafeel.Kiernansatonadingy loveseat,alone,sippinglukewarmapplejuicethattastesoffermentation.Thattoo-small KirklandsignatureshirtridesupasFoxglovepoursthemaltliquordownthethroatofthe redheadedgirlwitheyebrowsliketadpoles.Kiernanputsdowntheapplejuiceandpicksupthe otherbottleofliquorFoxglovegotfromtheKum&Go.
MD40/40.FoxglovecallsitMadDogandheboughttheblueraspberrykind,ofcourse.Itmakes Kiernangagnoisilyashetrieshisfirstmouthful.Foxglovelooksoverduringtheprocessof pouringmoremalt, whichsendstheliquidacrossthebarechestoftheredheadedgirl.He giggles,draggingafingerthroughthebrownliquidbeforerememberingwhathadinitially distractedhim.
“Youdon’tlikethatstuff.Don'thurtyourself,friend.”Despitebeingknownforhisforgiveness, Kiernanfindshimselftryingtotakeanotherdrinkoutofspite.Hecoughsabitofitup.
Foxglovedoesn’tevensounddrunk,buthe’sactingit,becausethatwassothoughtless,so uncaring.Hedidn’tcareifKiernanhadanotherdrink,orevenperhapstheentirebottle.
Curleduponthatloveseat,Kiernansteadieshisnervesandtriesforanotherlongdrink.Hefights everystepofthewaytoswallowit.Itwasanactofrebellion,comparativelypatheticand uninterestingtowhatwashappeningontopofFoxglove.
Heandthegirlsaregigglingandtouchingeachother,andKiernan’smouthfeelssour.He watchesasoneofthemworksthecollaredshirtupandoverFoxgloveshead.
ThegirlsgiggleandcontinuetotakestockofwhatKiernancan’thave.Hetakesanotherlong drink,gaspingoverthetasteofcheap,fakeliquor Doesn’tknowwhatthegirlsaredoing,he onlywatchesFoxglovesface.Hedoesn’tevenwanttoseethegirl'shands.
Kiernancommitswhathecanpermithimselftoseetomemory Hehasnoideawhensomething likethismayhappennext.
Crooked,yellowteeth.Atonguestud,silverandglinting.Foxglove'shairissweaty,plasteredto hisforehead,andlongerthanKiernansuspectsithaseverbeen.Ithunginsweat-slickcurlson hisneck,highlightinghischeekbonesinstringytendrils.
Thepicture,irritatingbutperfect,isbrokenupbyajointbeingfedtoFoxglove.Hetakesitwith akisstothemanicuredfingertipsthatgaveittohim.
KiernanswallowsthicklyandwatchesasFoxgloveturnshisheadtowardstheloveseathewas sittingon.EverymuscleinKiernan'sbodydrawstightasFoxbeginstosmile,hisgringrowing impossiblylarge.
“Don’tbemad,”Hewhispersthisjustasoneofthegirlsburiesherprettyfaceinhisshoulder. Hesighs,andsmokesteamrollsoutofhismouth.“‘Stemporary.”Kiernanmanagesascoff. WhileitwasclearhewaslookingtoKiernanforacceptance,theoldermanjustchokeddown moreMad-Dog.
Thejointburnedlikeanincensestick,fumigatingtheabandonedindustrialspaceallofthemsat in. HewaswatchingFoxglove’smouthwraparoundthefilter Hisfacewassopinklikethis, acrosshischeeksandonhischest,whichwasheavingandshaking.Thegirlsmustbe…busy
Kiernanclutcheshisdrinkandrefusestolook.Eventuallythejointwastradedinformoreliquor, uncoordinatedhandscreatingamessofbrown-redliquiddrippingdownFoxglove’sthroatand intothebarely-theredivotsofhiscollarbones.
Kiernan’stonguehurt,andoneofthegirlsmayhavefeltthesame,becauseshecleansupthe planeofFoxglove’sthroatwithhermouth.Kiernanbeginstoavoidlookingatthelinesof wetnessheknowsaresalivaandstartstofocusonacnescarsandhairfollicles.
Foxglovehadthickhair.Whenitwasshort,itmusthavefeltlikeaboarbristlebrush,butright nowKiernanknewitdidn’tfeellikethat.Soft,andthick,butsharpenoughtocutintoskinifit rubbedagainstyoujusttherightway.Itwascurly,inthewaythatromanemperorshadcurly hair,likeeachindividualringletwasadifferentstory.
Hischesthairwasofasimilartexture.Thishairtexturehidpittedacnescarsandevenafew purple-pinkkeloidsfromanill-advisedstintinprofessionalbody-buildingasaneighteenyear old. Hisweird,shitty,cheapnecklace,whichisnowsoakedwithmaltliquor,isjustapictureof theSpiceGirlspressedbetweenpackingtape.
Foxglovehadabountyofhorrible,shallow,badlydonetattoos.Theangelwings,wrapping aroundthebumpsinhisshouldersandoverthepadsoffatonhisbackandribs.Adistorted
smileyface,marredwithstretchmarks,sitsonhiship.Asplotchy,fadedfishwithx’sforeyesin themiddleofhissternum.Afootball,whichwassooldandunclearitjustlookedlikeadarkspot onhiselbow.Thereweremore.Kiernancouldgoon.
Anotherthingcatcheshiseye.Kiernanswallowsmoreofthespitthat'sgatheredinhismouth, andittasteslikeblueraspberry.HewatchesasFoxglove’sbellybuttonpiercingcatchesinthe sliverofindustriallightingfilteringinfromthestreet.
ItisonlythenthattheliquorswellsinKiernan’sthroatasheadmitstowhat'sgoingon. Foxglove’svoicewascracking,hischinjuttingupwardstowardstheroof.Themaltliquorbottle, longabandoned,tipsoverfromanerranthand,spillsitslastdropsontogrimy,peelingtile. Kiernanrealizesatthesametimethathe’sfinishedhisfirstbottleofhardliquor.
Heturnstolookoutthewindow,thesmellofthehumidcityscapeturninghisstomach. Thereis amomentofsilenceandthenFoxgloveissittingnexttohim,onthefloor,andlookingupathim.
“Yougotnext,sweetthing.”
Kiernannods,butdoesn’tevenmakeitoffthecouchbeforethrowinguplightblueinexcess.He watcheswithburningcheeksasbluesplattersacrosswetconcrete.
Feeling Antsy?
target practice incorporated
Perhapshewasbornwithit,buthecertainlywasnotsure.HisupbringinginsiststhatGodwasresponsibleforthis tremendoustalent ButKiernanDowning-Blakewasnotperfect-infacthewasahabitual,bitchy,unrelentingsinner WhywouldGodrewardhimwithsuchgifts?Allhehasdonewiththemisorchestratefalseworship Evenifitwas notexactlyonpurpose,notatfirst.Eventhoughhisfamily,hisfollowers,haveadmittedtoanobsessionhehas nevermeaningfullytendedto
Howwashetoknowanybetter?
So,ifitisnotGod,thenitisadevil
Ifitisadevil,thenthatmeansKiernanDowning-Blakeisademon IfKiernanDowning-Blakeisademon,well thenthatmeansthereissomethingdeeplywrongwithhim Healwaysknewthis
Deepinsideofhischest,wheresomethingthatiswarmandsoftanddelicateandlivingshouldbe,thecapacityof somethingelselay Heoftenchokesonthis,onthegenerallackofevidencetowardshishumanity Butattheendof conversationslikethese,onepieceofevidenceproveshisownershipofasoul
Connection
Howcanonebemissingsomethingsoimportantandbesurroundedbylove?
Thisability,asburgeoningasitmaybe,doesnotdefineKiernanDowning-Blakebyforce Hetakesonthe designationwillingly,anewkindofextra-naturalhuman,onethatismeanttolead Unfortunately,hispersonality doesnotsuitthatofanextra-naturalhuman.Hedoesnotgrowintothatshape,either.Butstill,heisverypowerful, asmuchasheisacowering,pitifullamb.Thisisevidencedbythosewhohavefallenintohisinnercircles, individualswhowillinglytithe75%ormore,cleanhomes,andcooknightanddayinordertogainhisapproval
Forwhatitisworth,KiernanDowning-Blakeisakindfalseprophet.Notmuchemotionaldamage,andalmostno axe(orrathercross)togrind Hislamb-likedispositiondoesnotindicateachildhoodmarkedwithviolent patriarchalsociety ButknowingKiernan'sbackgroundmakeshisbehaviorallthemoreimpressive
Hisfather,amannamedJimDowning-Blake,wasafireandbrimstonepersecutorandaginfueledworkaholic His mother,althoughprimarilyahomemaker,wasasocialiteofsortsintheircollectivehometownofCorpusChristi, Texas.Hername,thoughwellknown,wasovershadowedbyhermuchcatchiernickname:T.T,shortforTeenyTiny, knownsimplythiswaybecauseofhershortstature.
Kiernan’smother,bothacategoryfivehurricaneandasoftgustofair,hatedbeingpregnant Forthatreason, Kiernanneverhadanysiblings.Asachild,hetheorizedthatwaswhyhisparentsgavehimthreemiddlenames.To makeupforallthekidstheydidn’thave Kiernanwasn’tevenhisfirstname Jameswas Hisfullname,solongit hadtobeshrunktofitonthebirthcertificate,readsasfollows:JamesCallum-KiernanWestonDowning-Blake A mouthfulthathasneverfeltgoodtoswallow.ThisneverbotheredKiernan,whichheattributestoevidenceofhis forgiveness,becauseevenasachildhehadaknackforit
Otherthingshechalksuptohissuperiortalentforforgiveness:whenhewasfourteen,hisfather,Jim Downing-BlakewasmadaboutthecostofKiernan’sglasses Inretaliation,hisfatherthrewhis1988Superbowl EditionfootballdirectlyintoKiernan’smouth Thisknockedoutonetoothandchippedanother Asretaliationfor allowinghistoothtobeknockedout,Kiernanwasneverabletogetareplacement.Thatwashisadulttooth.Another event,whichalsorequiredasignificantamountofforgivenessandtranspiredoverthecourseofseveralmonths,in whichKiernanwasnineandhadbeenrecentlydiagnosedasunderweight,remindedhimofhisendlesskindness His doctorremarkedthatboysofthisagewereusuallystartingtolook‘Texas-sized’andthatKiernan,wholookedmore likeamatchstickinsteadofanineyearold,wasfallingbehind.
JimDowning-Blakewasonboardwiththisassessment Hedemandedthathissongainweight BeingthatKiernan wasameaslynineyearsold,T.Tjustaddedmoreheavywhippingcreamorbuttermilktohiscerealinthemorning, untilitwassour Shedidotherthingstoo,likeanextrasliceofbolognaonhissandwiches,mayonnaisesquishing outthesides Pouredextragravyonhischickenatdinner
Heateuntilfull.Heateuntilpastfull.Hedidthisoften.Amonthorsopassed,maybemoreorless,andjudgement daycame
KiernanDowning-Blakedidnotgainweight.Infact,inallofhisnineyearoldaudaciousness,hemanagedtolose some
Itwaschaos.Thepolicehadtobecalled.Mr.Downing-Blakecouldbehearddownthestreetscreamingthathisson wasnotarealman TTshieldedherchildandprayedforittostop Goddidnothelpthem ButKiernan’sability, thatextra-naturalsense,begantofillouteventually Hisnaturebegantooverrulehisnurture,andoneday,without pigsflyingorhellfreezingover,Mr.Downing-Blakebecamekind.
Notforanyreason NotforanyreasonMr Downing-Blakecouldidentify,anyway ButKiernanknew Heknew howithappened.HehadwilledJimDowning-Blake,fireandbrimstonelawyer,tobekind.Forgiving,even.Itwas anoffhandedthought,asniderebellionthatdidnotevenhavethelegstoexithismouth,butstill Hisfatherwas kind,andlikeithadneverbeenanydifferent,theworldcarriedon Thisturnsthetides,havingamanwhoisnota monsterasafather.
ItstirredKiernan’sconsciousnessintoaspiral,onethathehasyettoberemovedfromtothisday Hechasesthat high,thatunimaginableone,fromthatdayatthedinnertable Swallowingvomitthat'sonlycomingupbecauseMr Downing-Blakeisheretoo,andKiernanjustcan’thelpthatthemanhadbeguntoscarehim.
Mr Downing-Blakeknowsthatabouthissonandhehatesit Thepowerstrugglemakesbothofthemself-soothein mirroredmotions, aseventreeswithrottenleavesandrootsmakeapples.Kiernanisseventeenatthismoment,and stillonthevergeofpukinganhourintothedinner,withtearsgatheringinhiseyes
Hisfathersniffs.Hisemptyplate,practicallylickedclean,ispushedtothecenterofthetable.
“Tasteslikeshit,TT It’stoosalty”
AflamesparkstolifeinKiernan'sbelly.
“It’sfinemommy Notsaltyatall”
Mr Downing-Blake’sfacetwists Kiernandoesnotknowhowwhathappenednextisevenpossible-butafinalplea formercyworked Anditcontinuedtowork Infact,itneverended Thepainofthedinnertable,ofthehouse,ofthe admittedlysaltyporkchops, allgoneinaninstant.Thiswasafeelinglikeanyother.Thefascinationthatplagued Kiernanafterthisnight,onefocusedinitiallyonkindnessandthenlatercontrol,becamehispurpose
SohowcanyoublameanantsylamblikeKiernanDowning-Blake?
Afterdecadesofcontrol
Therewasnogreaterdrugintheworldthanturningthetables
Abilene,Texasismuggy,bright,andgross.Forhalfanhournow,maybemore,Kiernan Downing-Blakesatinhiscramped,shittyredFord,staringatthekhaki-coloredMcDonalds.The drive-throughwaslifeless-thediningroombustling.Itwassummer,sotheshittyredFord smelledofsweatandFoxglove’snastycigarettes,andevennastierbodyspray.Speakingof Foxglove,theerrantdevilhimselfsatinthedriver'sseat,endlesslydrumminghisfingersand palmsonthesteeringwheel.
ItwasonlyafterthehalfhourmarkdidKiernansnapathim.Turninginhisseat,hereaches towardsFoxglove.Likeclockwork,theothermangrinslikehe’sbeencaught.
“Pleasedon’tstopthemusic,”He’ssinging,andthisbreaksKiernan'sresolvesohesnatchesone wristandgripsitashardashisstrengthwouldallow.
“I’mnervous,andyou'resinging.Singing.”Foxglovelooksscandalized.
“Ithoughtmusicwashealing.Suemefortryingtomakeyoufeelbetter.”
“YouknowhowIfeelaboutthefactthatyoucan’tkeepatune.”
AstheargumentprogressedFoxglovemakeshiswayoverthecenterdividertoshovehimself intoKiernan’slap,easilytwo-hundredthirtypoundsofpressurekeepinghimpinnedtopilling seats.FoxglovecrosseseachofKiernan’sarmsoverhischestandappliesanevenpressure.He wassmilingdespitethegrowingirritationonKiernan’sfaceandhisnowpersistentthrashing.
“Calmdown.Youcanhandletheoldman.Don’tactlikethisisn’thelping.”
“You'regettingheavier.”
ButKiernanstilledanyway,relaxingintotheseatforafewminuteswhileFoxglovekept look-outusingthebackwindowofthetruck.Likealljobs,Foxgloveforgotwhathewas supposedtobedoing,andonlynoticedthememorycarebuspullintoaparkingspotnearly paralleltotheirownbeforeaddressingthemanunderneathhim.
“Uh-,”Heleansback,revealingthatKiernanwasredinthefaceandnowvisiblysweaty. Foxgloveletsgoofhisarmsandpointssheepishlyatthevaninthelot.“They'rehere.”
Kiernan,heavyeyedinonemomentandstockstillinthenext,beginspushingatFoxglove. “Thengetoutofmylapyoudumbidiot!Whatwereyouthinking!”He’stooslowatmoving,so Kiernanshoveshimselfoutofthepassengersidedoor,fallingontotheasphaltwithawince. FoxgloveturnsaroundintheseatandlooksatKiernanlikehewastheonewhofelloutofthe car.Hesearchesforapackofcigarettes,whichhefindssquishedinthedriver'sseat.
Kiernanisstillsittingontheconcrete.Eyesnarrowed.Foxglovepincheshisbrowstogether,the needtoreachdownandhelptheothermanupoverwhelmedhim.Sohedid.Hefeelsaneven strongerneedtoapologizewhentheytouch,sohedoes.
ThemoodlightensimmediatelywhenFoxglovemakesamends,andit’sKiernanthistimewho getscaughtupinbeingheldandreassured.It’sonlythehissofthememorycarebusthattakes
himoutofthemoment,andheswatsFoxglove’swanderinghandawaylikehewasn’ttheoneto assignit’sstartingpoint.
Heturnstowatchtoday'sselectionoffossilshobbleintoview.Awomaninapink,scoopneck topandpowderblueeyeshadow.AmaninkhakipantsandaredCabela’sshirt,anothermanin thesameoutfit,clutchingcouponscutoutfromthedailies.Afewmoreoldfolksfileintothe McDonaldsatthepaceofturtles.
Thelastartifact,JimDowning-Blakecamelumberingoutofthebus.Despitehisadvancedage, Jimrefusedhelpwhendismountingthebussteps.He’swearingashirtthatisfoursizestoobig andreads‘Don’tMesswithTexas!We’retheBestest!’andgymshortsKiernanisconfident camefromWalmart,alongwithhiswhiteorthopedicshoes.
Foxglovesqueezeshiship,andKiernanpullsawaywithoutlookingtocutthroughtheparking lottomeethisdadbeforethedoor
Jimseeshissonandstopsinthemiddleofthecrosswalk,hisfacebreakingoutintoasmileof recognition.Kiernanwashappyaboutthis.
“Heydad.It’sgoodtoseeyou,”
Hisfather,oneofthefewpeopletallerthanhewas,throwsanarmoverhisshoulders.
“How’scollegetreatingyouJamie?Youstillgobythat?”
Kiernan’sheartbeginstostopasheopensthedoortotherestaurant,allowinghisfathertopull himintothelobbybyhisshoulders.
“Good.It’sgood.RememberwhatI’mstudying?’ “Law.Ofcourse.Myboy.Whatdoyouwant?”Nottrue.Hestudiedtheologyandbusiness. Kiernanneverunderstoodhowhisfather,apparentlyyearsdeepinsomekindofAlzheimer'sor dementia,couldrememberwheretheywereinpublicbetterthanhecould.
Helooksatthemenu.It’spastbreakfast,basicallydinnertimeeven,soheorderschickennuggets andasoda.Hisfathersnorts.
“You'rehungrierthanthat.Youatemeoutofhouseandhomegrowingup,tobehonest.Order whatyouwant.”Thiswasalsonottrue.Healwayshadabirdlikeappetite.Butstill,heglancesat thedustyredtruckintheparkinglot.
“Afry.Large.Andadoublecheeseburger.Isyouricecreammachineworking?”Thecashier,a teenagerwithbleachedhairwho’schewingpinkgum,nodsandpointstoacustomerintheback cornerwho'sdrinkingavanillamilkshake.Heswallows,nervous.“CanIgetavanillashake?”
ShenodsagainandpointedlylooksatJim.“Anumberone,largewithdietcoke.Atwentypiece. Lotsaranchandhoney.Hotcoffee.Splendainthecoffee.”Jimhandsheraone-hundreddollar billandwaddlesawaytowardsthebathroom.Kiernanpocketsthedifferencewithshakinghands andfillstheirdrinks,settingthemupinviewoftheredtruck.
Foxglove,whohadbeenwatchingthisentiretime,stopssmokingforasecondtolickthecar’s windowasapleaforattention.Kiernanisstillwagginghisfingerathimwhenhisfather’s presenceshadowsoverhisback.
“SitdownJamie.She’llbringusourfood.”
He’shesitant,buthesits,stillfacingthetruck.Hisfathersettlesinacrossfromhim,seemingly unawarethatthecashieroweshimeighty-fivedollarsandsixtycents,andthattherestofhis roommateswerescatteredaroundthediningroom.
TheysitinfunctionalsilenceuntilfoodcomesandKiernanonlyfindswordsafterhemanagesto tuckawaytheextrafoodforFoxglove.
“So.Dad.Youknowthere’ssomethinggoingon,right?”
Hisdadleansback,tappinghishotcoffeeonhisbellyasheexamineshisson.
“Whodidthattoyourteeth?Weweretoorichtohaveyouwalkingaroundlookinglikea hillbilly.Didyougetintoafightatcollege?”
Kiernanfindsanedgeoffrustrationgrowinginhischest.Hedipsanuggetinhoney,andthenin ranch,andchewsitintoapulpbeforeactuallyspeakingthistime.
“Youdid.Youknockedoutmyteeth.AndI’vebeenagraduateforfouryears.”
Hisdad,JimDowning-Blake,laughslikeajokewastold.
“Youdon’tremember,Dad,andthat'sokay,butI’mnotincollege.Notanymore.AndI’mnota lawyereither.”
Hisdadleansforward,allmirthleavinghisface.
“Thenwhatthehellareyoudoing,Jamie?”Kiernan’slipwobbles.
“Thatpartdoesn’tmatter,daddy.Whatmattersisthatyouknow,Idon’twantyoutothinkI’m someoneI’mnot.”ThesmilereentersJim’sface,andhetosseshisemptycoffeecupacrossthe table.
“Ithinkwhatyoumean,isthatyouknowyouain’tdoingenough,andyou’vebeentryingtoget outofit.Youcancomelivewithme,inmycommunity.They’llletyouthrough.Youneedme.I feellikeeverytimeIseeyou,wehavethisconversation.”
Kiernanispickingaparthisfood.Whenhisfatherremembersthepastthathebuilt,Kiernan’s anxietyspikes.
“Iwon’tbedoingthatdaddy Comeonnow.”It’sameekresponse,barelyafight.Hetriesagain. “I’mnotgoingwithyou.”Heshovestheonlynuggetthathasn’tbeenevisceratedbyhisnervous habitintohismouth.JimDowning-Blakescoffsatthis,pointingatthecrumbsoffoodleftoverin thenuggetbox.Thiswasmoreproofheshouldmovebackinwithhisfather Kiernanfeels smallerbythesecond.Godfeelslikehe’ssittingonKiernan’schestintheshapeofhisfather,as onlythewickedknowGodbest.“I-I’mgoingtogogetyouraid.Ihavetogo.”
“Tothejobyoudon’thave?Whatcarareyoudriving?I’mgonnamemorizeyourplate,you knowyouroldmancan!”KiernanknowsnowthatthereisnowayJimcoulddothat.Acouple yearsagohewouldhavebeenterrified,butnow,hejustpointsouthisfathersirritationtohis handler.ThehandlerwasawomannamedFranchescawithhairsoblackitlookedlikeitcouldbe anoilspill,andshehadbroadershouldersthanKiernan,despitebeingatinyfivefootfourinches tall. She’stheonewhosetupthismeeting.Shesmilesathimasifshedidnothearalltheyelling thathappenedfourfeetaway.
“He’sirritated.I’dgivehimasedative.”
Shelaughsathim.EveryoneinthisMcDonaldsthinksheisajoke.Tearsprickhiseyesforthe firsttimesincecomingheretoday.
“Thatisnothowitworks,butIcancalmhimdownsoyouguyscancontinuetoeat.”
Kiernanblinksawaytearsandshakeshishead.
“I’llbeleaving.Actually.”Franchescashrugs.
“Iwillmakesurehegetshomesafe.Don’tworryaboutit.”
Kiernanpracticallyrunsfromthediningroom,andacoffeecup,empty,skittersacrossthetile justasheleavesoutthefrontdoor.
Foxglove,idiot,attemptstokissKiernanonhisfaceforthecoldMcDonaldsandmeltedvanilla shake.
“How’ditgo?”
“Stoptouchingme.”Kiernanslouchesdowninhisseatandsipsthemilkshakebecauseheforgot hisdrinkinthepanicoftryingtoleave.Foxgloveisstillsmilingashepullsoutofthespot.
“YouwannawatchTVpornwhenwegetbacktoourPresidentialSuiteatMotel6?”
Asaresponsetothat,Kiernansimplyscreams.