VOLUME 107, ISSUE NO. 23.5 | STUDENT-RUN SINCE 1916 | RICEPURITYTEST.COM | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2023
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LAST-MINUTE BEER BIKE RULE CHANGES MANDATE BREATHALYZING AFTER EACH LAP
NOT PHOTOSHOP zoom zoom bishes.
FROM PAGE 2: DILF
SEE MORE: TOP OF PAGE 2 In response to disturbing rumors that students plan to consume alcohol on Beer Bike morning, Rice administrators have released new Beer Bike rule changes, effective immediately, just one day before the races to ensure undergraduate safety. Among the most prominent alterations to the event is the extension of the race period into all of Sunday and early Monday morning in order to accommodate separate races for individual bikers. Specifically, each biker will race a condensed route comprising three laps back and forth on a 25-meter straightaway, stopping at each end of the track to get breathalyzed by an RPC representative. Administrators declared this race format adjustment necessary to ensure alcohol is not consumed mid-race or generated in vivo. RPC will then use a tape measure and a calculator to extrapolate these numbers to reflect hypothetical full track race times. In addition to launching and catching, Beer Bike pit crews will now also be tasked with rapidly swapping out bikers’ training wheels in between the races. Further, pit crews will be involved with chugging for the first time this year: between each swig of water, pit crews will be responsible
for burping chuggers to eliminate risk of spectating will be limited this year to hospitalizable gas buildup. “This will most combat overcrowding. A Google Form will likely affect our training,” says Andrew be sent out Friday night, and all responses after 9:30 AM on Saturday morning will Kim, a Lovett Pit Crew captain. Although chug teams have remained have a chance at receiving a wristband to be unaffected by injury in the past, they will eligible to stand by the track. If anyone fills not be exempt from the rule changes. out the form before 9:30 AM and complains Beyond chugging in between laps instead about not getting one, RPC will apologize of in between racers, chug captains were and resend the form at 11:30 AM for a new ordered to split chugging up into three 4 round of wristband allocation. A recording oz cups of water chugged in succession to of the race will be available on Monday for minimize choking hazard. Chug teams were non-wristband holders, after Rice admin also discouraged from consuming anything has had the opportunity to censor any curse words caught on audio. b e f o r e Finally, all materials the races mentioning Beer Bike because will be required to t h e y Things are gonna be a print a health warning might get liiiittle different this year resembling those a tummy on cigarette boxes. ache if Stewart Pinkle Specific examples they have WINKING named in this statue too much were promotional to eat or drink. And in a redoubled effort to curb flyers, informational emails, and all Beer intoxication, prior to the race, chuggers Bike shirts and uniforms. Races for current students will begin as and all other Beer Bike personnel will be required to successfully pass a commercial scheduled on Saturday at 12 pm. Warning: driver’s license exam after passing their Beer Bike can cause bothersome leg/ throat fatigue, abundant rowdiness, and breathalyzer test. If the new regulations on competitors worm virus. weren’t enough, in-person audience
SA successfully lobbies Texas legislature However, this move does not come Fresh off of his Mar. 26 inauguration ball, Student Association President Sebastian Elbo without its drawbacks. “Unfortunately, due to COVID-19 voting successfully achieved one of his completely realistic campaign goals: changing Texas day capacity, potential voters will have to fill form in law. Starting with the 2024 election, Rice out a Google to students can also use the MurtPass QR code order system in place of a government issued ID to r e c e i v e a QR vote. “Despite our overall goal of wanting fewer code and people to vote, legislators took a break from wristband banning books they’ve never read to consider this important proposal,” Texas Despite our overall goal Governor Greg Abbott said. “I of wanting fewer people hope everyone to vote, legislators took will take the a break from banning appropriate books they’ve never read lesson from this experience: the to consider this important more ridiculous proposal a request, the Greg Abbott more likely the TEXAS GOVERNOR legislature will take it up.” Elbo said they were excited to announce that Texas was to vote n adopting the new voter ID law, which they o said shows promise for the newly elected SA. E l e c t i o n said. “I’m going to be honest with you, Day,” Elbo the previous year kind of sucked. It was “But, freshmen who don’t want to vote abnormally bad. The SA has been engaged anyway will sell their wristbands on Fizz for in the past, definitely,” Elbo, who is only a $30 for anyone who didn’t fill out the Google form within five minutes.” sophomore, said at Senate.
SAMMY HIMSELF/ TRASHER Samuel says hi (amongst other things) at the Texas State Capitol
The BackPage was so excited to pubish these stories that they wrote too many! If you are interested in these stories, you can read more online! Also there is definately not a fun hidden message in one of these. Absolutely not.
Dilf Hunter announces bid for US Senate, to face Cruz in 2024 READ MORE ON PAGE 3, DOUGLAS BRINKLEY IMAGE DESCRTION
DNA test reveals Bloomgren to be a cat, has 9 lives READ MORE AT HTTPS://TINYURL.COM/4NA5J6K5
RMC agrees to tear down RMC, build parking lot READ MORE AT HTTPS://TINYURL.COM/YDUV8UZ4
O! M! G! CIVIC DUE - TEE!