The Rampage The Newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School
Purim/April Fools Edition
New York • Volume 68 • Issue 4 • Purim 2024 • Adar 5784 • the-rampage.org
Inside This Edition...
Ms. Newman is the Culprit Behind the Lost Kindle
Ramaz Celbrates 1,000 Clubs!
Attendance Monitor Awards
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How To Decipher Anecdotals
ORLI RABBANI ’25
This February, every bibliophile’s worst nightmare became a living reality for Mr. Deutsch. On Thursday, February 29th, Mr. Deutsch posted frantically on Schoology about “every nerds worst fear,” begging students to search for his beloved Kindle. Four hours later, the Kindle was returned to the owner. But who could have taken Mr. Deutsch’s precious kindle? After the departure of esteemed Dr. Tugendhaft at the end of the last school year, Ms. Newman was promoted to the head of the History department. Since then, there have been extreme tensions in the department. For one, Mr. Deutsch has been not cracking jokes during class, saying, “The new Chair doesn’t get my jokes. I miss Tuggy.” He speaks with no one during lunch, and buries his head in his beloved device. Ms. Newman’s, in retaliation,
embarked on a mission to bust her coworker. After a week of noticing his behavior, Ms. Newman decided to take away the one thing he loves most: his Kindle. So, early in the morning on February 29th, Ms. Newman quickly snatched Deutsch’s Kindle from his desk. Upon returning to class he was terrified by the loss of his Kindle. Where could it have gone? He posted on Schoology and asked all over the school but had no sighting of his beloved kindle. AP Government student Juliette Goodstein ’25 stated: “the day he lost his kindle was horrifying. During the entire class he was very depressed. He was greatly affected by the loss of a man’s best friend. His behavior was shocking.” This horrifying morning will impact Mr. Deutsch for the rest of his time at Ramaz. After four hours of desperate
searching, his junior AP government class returned the Kindle after noticing his strange behavior in class. Where was the Kindle? Much to everyone’s surprise, on Ms. Newman’s desk. “It was a brutal act of betrayal and tyranny,” Dr. Herzog, history teacher and best friend of the thief, said. “The entire department was baffled at this thievery. The fact that someone could do this to their friend was terrible. Tensions in the department ever since have been high because we’re all afraid of Ms. Newman.” Ms. Newman’s new power as the head of the history department is terrifying to members of the department, new and old. She rules the department with a reign of fear and intensity. This incident teaches the students and faculty to not mess with Ms. Newman.
Learning Beyond the Bell: Celebrating One-Thousand Clubs
CAROLINE KOLLANDER ‘27
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Teachers Take Over Senior Lounge
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Pictures
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ORLI RABBANI ’25
Choir, the cultist club at Ramaz, has been brewing a
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An Education in Bromancetism
Binder Closet Mess
The Ramaz School recently celebrated the founding of 1,000 clubs. This accomplishment represents the High School’s creativity, and the student’s commitment to providing their peers with exciting extracurriculars. The clubs exhibit a wide range of interests from intellectual to artistic outlets. This represents Ramaz’s engaging community, which gives its students a sense of connection and camaraderie led by fellow students. All clubs offer leadership opportunities that enable students to plan events and acquire import- ant skills. These skills include learning to coordinate, teach, and communicate. Ordinarily, clubs take place during after-school hours. Meetings can be anywhere from every day, to once a month to once a year, to once a decade. Students commit their free time to their clubs. 1,000 clubs ultimately proves the dedication of students for their personal interests and/or hobbies.
The large number of clubs at the Ramaz highlights the Upper School’s inclusive customs. Each club serves as a community of deep interest. This creates an environment where learning can take place even beyond the classroom. It also, coincidently, means that every student will be credited on their transcript with being President of at least five clubs. From STEM-focused groups to performance arts, and even extending to newspapers, the clubs represent a wide spectrum of passions. Students can engage in activities that resonate with their individual interests allowing them to choose what they want to further understand or practice. There is chess club, checkers club, backgammon club, solitaire club (one member only), 100 sports clubs, including a betting club, 100 financial clubs, including “Using Chat GPT to run your business Club, political clubs, 99 conservative
and one liberal, Kvetching Club (very popular), Art Club, Don’t Like Art Club, Book Club (no actual reading required), Movie Club, Netflix Club, Smart Phone Club (everyone is a member), Running Club, Walking Club, Strolling Club, Skipping Club; the list goes on and on, and on and on. The inspiring quantity of clubs showcases the commitment of Ramaz students to having a tightly-knit community. Each club has become a center of bonding. Clubs break down barriers between grades and result in friendships that go beyond the formal limits of the classroom. At Ramaz, students not only learn together but also grow together through their time spent beside each other at clubs. The leadership opportunities within each club serve students with lifelong skills. Leaders are required to run their club to the best of their ability. CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
catastrophe: the infamous choir binder closet. Filled with binders overflowing with music, the closet is falling apart faster than the mental health of Ramaz students. This closet is a nightmare for anyone with OCD. With binders stacked one on top of the other, doors falling off the hinges, and music thrown about, the closet is a breeding ground for anarchy and chaos. Choir member Racheli Voda ‘26, who has an affinity for organizing the closet every time it gets messy, says: “I get very aggravated when I see the state of the closet. I spend time organizing the binder closet only for the thousands of freshmen to destroy it and throw their binders about. There was a system to avoid chaos. And it’s not being respected.” Voda has been attempting to organize the infamous closet, but has been unsuccessful. “The closet doesn’t open. And when we try to open it, music falls on us. The presidents wanted to do something about the mess but it proved impossible.” The choice is either to not have sheet music or to suffer the wrath of an avalanche of binders. Hopefully, there can be an effort made to repair the closet while the choir is away in Florida. Otherwise, the choir is doomed to injuries from the door, doomed to not know their music, and doomed to have feuds between upper and underclassmen fighting over the respect of the closet.