Sex: Love Her Like a Man (January/February 2012)

Love her like a man january – february, 2012 Newsstand Price CDN $4.95

contents

january – february, 2012

Sex

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on the cover

Sex is like fire. Both are very useful and fundamentally good. But they need to be handled with care. A man’s sex drive is apt to usurp control and be destructive. Keep the fire in the fireplace. SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies.

features

Love her like a man

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Love her like a man

| daren redekopp Be a romantic adventurer. The Bible encourages men to enjoy an active sexual relationship with their wives.

The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada.

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How to talk to your kids about sex

one – A promise keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Spirit.

| mark laing Fathers have the “terrible privilege” of providing their sons and daughters with essential information about sex and appropriate attitudes towards it.

20 Single and sexless | paul boge Being single, male and Christian in an over-sexed culture presents particular issues.

three – A promise keeper is committed to practicing biblical integrity: spiritually, morally, ethically and sexually.

24 Misguided sexual escapades of Genesis | korey douglas Not much has changed. The very first book of the Bible tells many stories of sexuality gone awry.

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columns 5 PK Podium Things you want to forget 6 Man to Man Men need to talk

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four – A promise keeper is committed to strengthening families and marriages through love, honour, protection, and biblical values.

departments 8-12 Pulse Curious events. Interesting people. Good ideas.

25 Sports Scene Goalie gives glory to God

13 Reviews Warrior. Resolution. Sex talk. Goodbye.

26 Money Matters Check financial gauges

28 Power Play Tools. Toys. Technology.

five – A promise keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources. six – A promise keeper is committed to reaching beyond racial, social, economic, generational, and denominational barriers to demonstrate that power of biblical unity. seven – A promise keeper is committed to influencing the world by his fervent love for God while loving his neighbour, seeking justice for the poor and oppressed, and making disciples of Jesus Christ.

27 Out of My Depth Fidelity is the best aphrodisiac The new PK Canada logo features a maple leaf, indicating our dedication to serve the men of Canada. An arrow breaks into the maple leaf symbolizing the impact we believe God wants to see Promise Keepers and men making in our nation.

30 What Women Want From fizzle to sizzle

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28 Publisher: Brian Koldyk Managing Editor: Doug Koop Pulse Editor: Robert White

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two – A promise keeper is committed to pursuing Christ-centred friendships with a few other men, connecting regularly, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.

advertising John Steadman jsteadman@promisekeepers.ca 1-888-901-9700

editorial advisory board KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada PHIL WAGLER: Gracepoint Community Church SANDRA REIMER: Reimer Reason Communications DOUG KOOP: ChristianWeek

Promise Keepers Canada Box 20099 RPO Brant Hills Burlington, ON L7P 0A4 (905) 331-1830 subscriptions@promisekeepers.ca Postmaster: Please send address changes to Box 20099 RPO Brant Hills, Burlington, ON L7P 0A4

editorial 204-424 Logan Avenue Winnipeg, MB R3A 0R4 Phone: (204) 982-2060 (800) 263-6695 admin@christianweek.org dkoop@christianweek.org Design: ’Segun Olude www.indigoinkstudios.com

ISSN 1916-8403 Cover: iStockphoto seven – issue twenty-two | january – february, 2012 page 3

PK@HOME RESOURCES

Visit our new website for the latest info, videos, audio messages, men’s articles, books and other resources.

Men of Integrity Devotional Especially written for men, personally challenging, eternally rewarding. Available in a 60 page booklet or as an email devotional.

SEVEN Magazine Men. God. Life. A Christian magazine for Canadian men. Relevant, exciting and biblical.

Visit us online at www.PromiseKeepers.ca and

Equip

PK Podium

Things you want to forget The ravages of pornography on a man’s mind. by Kirk Giles

Do you remember the first time you saw a pornographic image? I do. When I was 12 years old, a group of friends pulled out some porn magazines while we were having a sleepover at one of their homes. According to XXXchurch.com, the average age of first Internet pornography is 11. Some people will claim that porno– graphy is a harmless outlet for our natural desires; no one is getting hurt and it is certainly better than actually sleeping around. Others know pornography is not benign; they recognize it is a problem and a trap. Here is what pornography does. It slowly rewires your brain in a new way; it makes sex all about you. Young men who view pornography enter marriage with a very skewed perspective on God’s design for an amazing sex life. They end up frustrated and often continue looking at pornography to feed their selfish desires for what they think their sex life should be like. The whole time this is happening, a deeper divide builds between husband and wife. Pornography not only results in men lusting, which is adultery according to Jesus, but it feeds our selfish nature. We want our wife to be more like the women we see in the porn, and when she doesn’t then we get frustrated. In reality, we are simply reaping what we have sown in to our own minds and in the life of our wives. The best sex, as designed by God, focuses on honouring our spouse and being a steward of her body (1 Corinthians 7) instead of putting selfish desires first.

Why do we fall for this trap and continue to corrupt our minds by consistently looking at pornography? You need to know that you are not alone in this. You also need to know that there is freedom from the constant sense of guilt, shame and control that pornography has on your life. The most difficult step to freedom is bringing your sin into the light. In James 5:16 we are told to confess our sins to one another, and that the prayer of a righteous person brings healing. This does not mean there will be no consequences, but you will be free when you bring your sin into the light and have a Christian brother hold you accountable. Start by talking to your pastor or a trusted Christian leader or friend. The foundational truth to everything in life—including sex—is that we are always worshiping something or someone. Romans 12 tells us to submit our bodies and our minds to God as our reasonable act of worship. We cannot isolate our sex life from God. When we honour God’s design for sex, we also honour and worship our Creator. When we do not, we are worshiping ourselves. As you read through this edition of SEVEN magazine, I want to encourage you to allow God to equip you to live a life of enjoying His design for sex. P.S. Pastors and Ministry Leaders, if you would like to bring our new workshop on “Purity” to your community, please send us a note at info@promisekeepers.ca

Kirk Giles is president of Promise Keepers Canada. He also serves as an elder in his church and volunteers in his home community of Paris, Ontario.

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man to man

Men need to talk Too often men’s conversation stays on the surface by Gareth Brandt

“It was a tough week,” I said to a friend when we exchanged greetings after our church worship service. We left it at that as he shut down the sound system and I went to gather my family for the ride home. It was not unlike most other brief greetings in the foyer after the service, especially for introverts like us. I thought nothing of it as we drove home. Life is like that—some weeks are hard and others are a breeze. I enjoy my work but there are weeks when things come up that are not as enjoyable. And recently there had been some extended family issues a few provinces away that my wife and I have had to deal with in addition to the usual work and home stresses. These had contributed to my “tough week.” I’m a college professor. I work with words. It is my job to speak and to write words that help students and others to articulate what is going on in their spiritual lives. Recently, I even wrote a book about men’s spirituality. At church I teach a Sunday school class and occasionally preach. My friend is a carpenter. He works wood with his hands and tools. He is not skilled with words, but he knows how to get a job done. He operates the sound system at church where he can sit quietly and do his thing. He doesn’t even read books or columns like this yet he taught me something important. The next day my friend called to invite me over to his house to watch Monday

night football. This was odd I thought. We had watched the Grey Cup and the Super Bowl at his house with other guys but now he said, “It will be men’s night, just me and you.” I don’t get this kind of invitation very often. I wondered what he wanted to tell me. How could I refuse? He offered me a drink and snacks and we watched a bit of football and also part of a hockey game. After one game was over he apologized that he had not followed up on my comment about having a tough week. “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to but I thought I’d ask.” I was blown away! I was thinking, “Of

He not only offered to listen to me, he taught me a lesson about man-to-man conversation.

course I want to talk about it if someone cares enough to ask!” He didn’t invite me over to watch sports; he invited me over to talk. A man who works with wood was asking a man who works with words if he wanted to talk! He not only offered to listen to me, he taught me a lesson about man-to-man conversation. Too often men’s interaction is on a surface level. We talk about sports in a bar after a few beers to relax us. We go

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hunting or fishing or golfing where talking at all is bad etiquette. But what is needed is connection on a deeper emotional level. That is not only what women sometimes want and need from us but also what we need from each other as men. Men need to talk and even those of us who work with words and ideas need an activity to loosen our lips. Men are not like most women who find it easy to sit around and talk for hours. Men need something to do, a game to play, a project to work on or a mountain to climb. It’s easy for me to talk at work when I have a topic, a script and a lectern or a pulpit but when it comes to my personal life it is more difficult. Some of my best personal conversations with other men have been on hikes, work projects, playing or watching sports, when we doing something together, when our bodies are engaged. This past week it was the common activity of watching sports that provided the opportunity to have a deep conversation, not only about my tough week, but about the temptations, struggles and joys of being husbands, fathers and brothers.

Gareth Brandt is the author of Under Construction: Reframing Men’s Spirituality, Herald Press, 2009 and professor of practical theology at Columbia Bible College in Abbotsford, BC.

pulse

Curiousities. Personalities. Ideas. Information. by Robert White PULSE Editor

TEACH TEENS TO TEXT RESPONSIBLY Teens text. This private, portable and immediate way to keep in touch with each other has become the way teens communicate: according to Nielsen, teens send an average of 3,146 texts per month. While texting can be used to keep friends close, help parents with family logistics and offer a way to share experiences, it has dangers: cyber-bullying, sexting (where teens send or receive sexually graphic images or messages) and cheating at school. Parents often don’t know this is going on. A recent Pew poll showed less than two-thirds of parents look at the content of their child’s cell phone. This raises the question about teens’ privacy and parents’ desire to know what their kids are doing. But there are ways parents can teach their teens to text responsibly: • Have an honest discussion about the need for texting. “Because everyone else does it” usually isn’t a good reason. But if texting has replaced telephoning, adding a texting plan may be a good idea. • Make rules around when and where. No texting during meals, during class, on family outings and when they should be concentrating on something else: driving the car, walking down the street, talking to somebody else. Rudeness and inattention can have disastrous consequences. • Set consequences for misuse like cheating, inappropriate messages, sexting—up to and including taking the phone away for a period of time. • Set an example. Don’t text at the table, while talking to someone else or when driving. Parents who text their child during class (unless it’s an absolute emergency) and then turn around and tell them they can’t do that are sending mixed signals. If you suspect your kids aren’t texting appropriately, you can always look at their messages. Yes, it feels like snooping, but a parents’ first job is to ensure the kids use powerful technologies safely and responsibly.

SURFING WE WILL GO Want more information on the topics in Pulse? Check out these web site links.

Kids and cellphones walking http://bit.ly/7-walkingphones Teach teens to text responsibly http://tinyurl.com/3l4ssop

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20 years later... http://bit.ly/7-menchurch Energy chaw www.nipenergydip.com Social media can lead to teenage drinking http://bit.ly/7-teendrinking

Americans, Dutch disagree on sleepovers http://bit.ly/7-sleepoverdilemma Texts, tweets and gizmos... http://bit.ly/7-fasttalkers Anonymous givers http://bit.ly/7-giversup

20 YEARS LATER, FEWER MEN ATTEND CHURCH A new analysis of surveys taken over the past 20 years by the Barna Group shows fewer men are going to and volunteering at church. The research group tracked 14 religious beliefs and behaviours since 1991, finding major shifts in six of them for men. Four of those shifts were behaviourial: • Church attendance fell by six per cent: the number of men who went to church, other than for a special event such as a wedding or funeral, fell from 42 per cent to 36 per cent. • Sunday school attendance fell by eight per cent to 13 per cent. • The number of men who volunteer at church has dropped. The present level of 18 per cent is six percentage points lower than 1991. • The number of unchurched men increased to 39 per cent. Men are considered unchurched if they haven’t attended a church event, other than a special service such as a wedding or funeral, in six months. Barna’s research also points to two religious beliefs that have changed since 1991: • Believing in the need to share their religious views with others who believe differently stands at 23 per cent, a drop of five points. • Believing the Bible is totally accurate in all of the principles it teaches is down to only 33 per cent of men. Among the surprises coming from the research was, that despite decreases in core religious behaviours, men are no less likely to read from the Bible these days than they were 20 years ago (41 per cent in 2001; 40 per cent in 1991).

ENERGY CHEW A chewing tobacco alternative uses natural ingredients to increase energy levels and help users break free from the grip of tobacco. NiP Energy Dip, made from natural sea sponge harvested in the Gulf of Mexico, has a wintergreen mint flavor, is enriched with B vitamins, amino acid and caffeine and offsets the nicotine “buzz” tobacco users crave, says a company media release. The spitless dip was created when a Florida man’s seven-year-old daughter begged him to stop harming his body with the “disgusting” habit. The plea inspired Lee Lewis to invent a healthy alternative to the $4.5 billion smokeless tobacco industry. Lewis began “dipping” when he was 12 while serving as a batboy for the Florida State University baseball team. He ended a nearly 30-year addiction with the idea of helping others quit. “We want people to continue enjoying the satisfaction of dipping without the nasty and harmful effects of tobacco,” says Lewis, a former banker. “We’re committed to helping athletes, outdoorsmen, our military, youngsters and others break free from smokeless tobacco with our unique, gamechanging product.” The product launch comes just as Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig proposed a ban on the use of smokeless tobacco because smokeless doesn’t mean harmless. “Every day I see the direct effect of smokeless tobacco on patients‚ gums, tongue, throat and teeth,” says Tampa Bay Rays’ team dentist Kevin Schapley, who discovered NiP Energy Dip while searching for an alternative. “My goal was to find a solution to help my clients break the habit. NiP Energy Dip helps them fend off a dreaded disease, such as mouth or throat cancer.”

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pulse

KIDS AND CELLPHONES WALKING Parents are more likely to let their kids walk to school than talk to them about walking and texting. A Safe Kids Canada survey shows that 90 per cent of parents of five- to 14-yearolds have talked about basic pedestrian safety. Only 28 per cent of those parents have talked about the dangers of using a cell phone while crossing the street. Research shows children who talk on cell phones while crossing the street are 33 per cent more likely to be hit or nearly hit by a car, according to a University of Alabama at Birmingham study. Every year more than 30 children are killed and 2,400 are seriously injured. Most incidents happen between 3 and 6 pm, when drivers are coming home from work and children may be walking home from school or activities. “While we’re pleased parents take time to discuss safe pedestrian habits with their children, more emphasis needs to be placed on reducing distractions while walking— such as cell phone use,” says Pamela Fuselli, executive director of Safe Kids Canada. According to the Safe Kids Canada/FedEx Express Canada survey, 97 per cent of parents surveyed believe it’s not safe for their child to use their cell phone or send texts while crossing the street. But 34 per cent of those parents admitted to using their own cell phone or texting while crossing the street. “Parents are their children’s best role model. You can tell your kids what to do by showing them. Modeling safe behaviour is an effective way to teach your children good safety habits,” says Fuselli.

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SOCIAL MEDIA CAN LEAD TO TEENAGE DRINKING Teens who read about a friend’s drinking exploits on Facebook are more likely to get drunk themselves. A study by Columbia University’s National Centre on Addiction and Substance Abuses suggests teens who use social media are five times more likely to smoke, three times likelier to use alcohol and twice as likely to use marijuana than those who don’t. The study also warns that viewing photos of kids passed out drunk or lighting up a joint on social media has an even greater impact on teens. Forty per cent of teens say they were exposed to such images, half of them before they were 13. This group was also more able to get a hold of marijuana or prescription drugs and four times more likely to smoke up. “The earlier a youth is exposed to images or the substance itself, the more likely they are to get in trouble with it,” says Shimi Kang, a Vancouver-based youth addictions psychiatrist in a Toronto Star article. If the most popular girl in school posts pictures of her drinking, that can normalize the behaviour and make it acceptable, even though social media provides a skewed portrayal of reality, says Kang. Parents surveyed were skeptical. A majority say they didn’t think social media made their child more likely to drink or use marijuana. Kang suggests parents might wrong by being more worried about the time their kids spend on social media instead of being worried about what the kids are exposed to. Kang says the study could be applied to Canadian youth; though Canadian cultural demographics are different from the U.S. and the drinking ages are lower than 21. “There’s not enough evidence to say social media causes substance abuse problems,” she says. There are many other factors involved including parental involvement and how much spare time the teen has.

AMERICANS, DUTCH DISAGREE ON SLEEPOVERS

BUILT FOR BATTLE EQUIPS FOUR THOUSAND MEN As hundreds of men moved to the stage for prayer, thousands of others cheered them on. The moment, which Promise Keepers Canada president Kirk Giles will “always remember,” took place on the first evening of this year’s conference at the Hershey Centre in Mississauga. More than 4,100 men attended the November 18 and 19 event, with staff and volunteers pushing the total involved up to 4,300. Several prominent speakers discussed the weekend’s theme, “Built for Battle.” Steve Farrar, founder and chairman of Men’s Leadership Ministries spoke of Christianity as a “thinking man’s battle” in which endurance is gained through suffering. Waterloo’s Creekside Church lead pastor Ken Taylor told the men, “Get worship right, get everything right; get worship wrong, get everything wrong.”And Dwayne Cline, pastor of Hamilton’s Hughson Street Baptist Church suggested it was “time we stopped being the audience of God.” The session on the “Ultimate Fight Weapon” now holds a special memory for Giles. Led by Rick Verkerk, PK Canada’s national manager of Events and Field Ministry, the session focused on prayer for pastors, the nation and young men. Verkerk called four young men to the stage, which included Giles’ two oldest sons who were at the conference. “I wasn’t expecting it. I had the chance to be able to pray over not only my own boys but all the young men in the arena,” says Giles. “That for me was a huge highlight of the weekend.”

Steve Farrar talks about endurance.

So what do you do if you’re teenaged son or daughter asks if their boyfriend or girlfriend can sleep over? In the same room? In the same bed? According to a Maclean’s article, a “yes” may depend on whether the parent is American or Dutch. In November 2011, Amy Schalet published Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex where the assistant professor of sociology at the University of MassachusettsAmherst, reported 90 per cent of Dutch parents may allow the sleepover while 90 per cent of American parents have a “not under my roof” attitude. Dutch parents “normalize” teenage sexuality, Schalet says, to keep connected with and continue to exert an influence over their teens. Dutch parents need to feel their child is old enough to be sexually active, uses reliable contraception and is in a stable relationship. Dutch parents also expect teens to abstain from sex until they’re ready. American parents, says Schalet, “dramatize” teen sex by focusing on the risks and dangers. American parents uphold sexual freedom as a rite of adulthood, defined by economic and emotional autonomy, hence the “you can have sex when you’re paying your own rent” edict. The result: sex becomes a point of conflict— and disconnect—between teens and parents. Schalet says this leads to sneaking around and dire health consequences. Compared with the Netherlands, the unwanted pregnancy rate in the U.S. is four times higher, the abortion rate is more than two times higher, as are rates of sexually transmitted diseases. Schalet’s research also exposes the sexual double standard toward North American girls. Where boys are encouraged to be sexually adventurous, female desire is unacknowledged. One American mother interviewed had a 17year-old daughter who was on the pill and sexually active, but wasn’t allowed in her room alone with her boyfriend without the door open. “Girls face more sexualization. They’re also often at a disadvantage in negotiating their wishes and boundaries with boys,” says Schalet. “It’s important for them to be recognized as sexual beings by the adults they respect so they’re more resilient and able to negotiate what they do and don’t want.”

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CHRISTIANWEEK CELEBRATES 25 When ChristianWeek began publishing nearly 25 years ago, Canada Post delivered all the newspapers to subscribers across the country. Today readers can still have the paper delivered to their mailbox, but people in more than a thousand churches throughout Manitoba and Ontario can simply pick up a copy each month. Back in 1987, all the freelance articles arrived by snail mail and had to be retyped. A year later, the fax machine began to revolutionize the way the national Christian newspaper gathered its content. Today, new stories are posted at www.christianweek.org every weekday. While much has changed, ChristianWeek has always worked to strengthen the Church by providing helpful information and prompting positive action. “We really feel we’re doing our job when our stories show the people of God actively engaging the challenges of this world, especially when they do it together,” says outgoing editor Doug Koop,

who has been with the publication from the beginning. In the mid-1980s, founder Harold Jantz became convinced that many stories that deserved a hearing simply weren’t being told. “We want to serve Christians in Canada generously, acknowledging the Spirit of God wherever we find Him at work,” he said. “We’d like to nurture among Christians a stronger sense of common cause.” Sometimes that meant reporting on controversial matters. “We want to deal with the issues the Church is wrestling with,” said Jantz in 1987. “We want ChristianWeek to sharpen our Christian minds.” Although the forms of news delivery are constantly in flux, the mandate to inform and inspire remains unchanged. The newspaper has garnered many industry awards and is frequently looked to by politicians and other cultural influencers as a window on Christian faith and life in Canada. The publishers of ChristianWeek also produce SEVEN magazine for Promise Keepers Canada.

TEXTS, TWEETS AND GIZMOS MAKING US FAST TALKERS Texts, tweets, and technological gizmos are making communication ever faster, causing many of us to speak more quickly in our everyday lives to keep up with it all. “A decade ago, I measured the speed of speech of teachers, family members and those out in society at a rate of about 145 words per minute,” says Ray Hull, a professor of communication sciences and disorders at Wichita State University in Kansas in a CBC report. “That’s certainly not what we’re finding today. People are speaking at a rate of typically 160 to 180 wpm, as I have measured it.” Hull says the human brain can best comprehend speech around 124 to 130 wpm. Slower speech means our brains have the time to fill in the gaps of speech with elongated vowels and consonants. Hull’s mission is to slow the world down and suggests a few ways. The first is to look people in the eye to get feedback, and pause between phrases. Or try timing yourself by marking 130 words on a page and clock how fast you read it out loud. If you’re done in less than a minute, try slowing down and see what that feels like.

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ChristianWeek founder Harold Jantz (right) and Doug Koop when the first issue rolled off the press, April 1, 1987

ANONYMOUS GIVERS ON THE INCREASE Anonymous giving isn’t the norm, say philanthropy experts. Far more common are the boldface names that brand everything from hockey-rink seats to hospital wings, often at fundraisers’ insistence. But there’s been an increase in the number of donors who want to remain anonymous. A small percentage of philanthropists choose to remain nameless for business, personal or spiritual reasons, says Leslie Lenkowsky, a professor at The Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University in a Globe and Mail series on the evolution of philanthropy. The exact number is difficult to determine since anonymous gifts don’t get much publicity, he adds: “You just don’t know.” Others, like Jo-Anne Ryan, executive director of TD Waterhouse’s Private Giving Foundation, suggest increased scrutiny in the Internet age has prompted more donors to give in a hush-hush way. At the Private Giving Foundation, which manages charitable donations for 550 individuals, the percentage of anonymous donors has risen from about 5 per cent to 10 per cent in the past five years, Ryan says. She points out that donors are “not going to be bugged as much” if their gifts are made without a name attached. Dale Boniface, president of Give Canada, a Vancouver-based fundraising corporation, estimates about half of the individuals he works with start out as anonymous donors. But over time, he says, “the majority of them move from anonymity to a leadership role.” Lenkowsky notes all major religious traditions emphasize the value of anonymous giving. The Koran, the Jewish tradition and the teachings of Jesus describe anonymity as a means of assuring the donor’s motivations are pure. “You don’t want the recipient to feel beholden.”

reviews

Warrior. Resolution. Sex talk. Goodbye. ANOTHER MAN’S WAR: THE TRUE STORY OF ONE MAN’S BATTLE TO SAVE CHILDREN IN THE SUDAN By Sam Childers Men with an appetite for exciting stories where God speaks directly into a warrior’s ear are in for a treat. “God gave me the wisdom to recognize the need to use a gun to do his work in Africa, the knowledge of how to

use one, and the faith to take one into dangerous situations.” Sam Childers is indeed a colourful character, a criminal thug whose life took on a whole new direction after an encounter with God. “Once he called me, I was his forever,” he writes. Another Man’s War describes Childers’ adventures battling bad guys in southern Sudan, protecting villages, freeing slaves, building orphanages and saving children. He’s the man who inspired the recently released Machine Gun Preacher movie. Machine guns, motorcycles and bravado propel this high testosterone account of a unique and driven man’s incredible campaign to help the helpless.

BEFORE THEY SAY GOODBYE: THOUGHTS ON HOW TO KEEP THIS GENERATON By David Sawler David Sawler is bothered by the fact so many con– temporary North Americans seem so indifferent to faith. While he knows that avoiding church does not necessarily mean a rejection of faith, he is concerned that “many churches are losing people at an unacceptable rate.” And he wants to do something about it. Actually, he wants individual Christians in countless congregations to tackle a host of issues challenging this generation. Sawler examines a lot of the reasons why people (especially young people) stay away from church, and responds with a book full of practical advice. “Whether you are a parent, a church leader of some kind, or minister, God has called you to be part of the spiritual upbringing of this generation. It’s not enough to have great buildings, programs and the right music. We seem to have gained so much, yet we are losing the souls of this generation.”

QUESTIONS YOU CAN’T ASK MAMA ABOUT SEX By David Sawler The authors of this little book of embarrassing questions (and biblically informed answers) are the pastors

who founded XXXchurch.com. They devote an entire chapter to masturbation, which is a topic only a foolish few men will raise with their mothers. Not all the questions are so private. “Why is reserving sex for marriage so important?” is a question many will ask but few answer well. Or, “So what do you do when you’re ‘turned on’ and in love but not married yet?” And porn. There’s a lot in here about the allure of porn and how to avoid it. The bottom line: “Don’t procrastinate with purity. Act today.”

THE RESOLUTION FOR MEN By Steven and Alex Kendrick, with Randy Alcorn The Resolution for Men is “an unapologetic call for men to live courageously for their faith and their families.” As such it builds on the foundation and purposes that launched the Promise Keepers movement two decades ago. The resolution itself is a concise list of 13 statements, concluding with a resolute statement from a Bible hero. “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15). This well-designed book is a call to manly action in matters of faith and family. “Our generation desperately needs courageous men to step up. We need men who will not be swayed by the culture or afraid of criticism.” Each chapter examines a main clause of the resolution, providing helpful instruction and a “courageous challenge.” Men who resolve to take up these challenges will renew their faith, strengthen their families and create an enduring legacy for good.

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features

Love her like a man God wants you to be a romantic adventurer. by Daren Redekopp Imagine you are the editor of the Holy Bible. You have to decide which books to put in and which to keep out of the most influential volume in human history. You lock yourself away in your monastery tower and begin to sort through stacks of manuscripts, taking each book in hand, one by one. Things go smoothly enough, at first. You pick up Deuteronomy and discover that it records Israel’s original covenant with God, so you place it on the inclusion pile. You pick up Joshua, Judges, Ruth and Samuel through Chronicles, each of which describes Israel’s history with God. One after the other, you place them on the inclusion pile. But then you come across something different: an unassuming little scroll entitled The Song of Songs. As you skim through its contents, you find your heart beating faster and your cheeks growing

warmer. You glance over your shoulder, making sure you are still alone. Your eyes move irresistibly back to the page: “A sachet of myrrh is my lover to me, spending the night between my breasts” (Song of Songs 1:13). Hmmm … Who put this in the pile for consideration? Is one of the other monks playing a practical joke on you? You ask around, and since no one knows what you are talking about, you think it prudent to stop asking, and return to your room to continue scratching your head over this little puzzle. Why it’s in the Bible This flight of fancy is to give you a sense of the questions faced by the Song’s early interpreters: How can something so sexual—something which lacks any direct mention of God, His law, or salvation history—actually be in the

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Bible? What exactly is the Song of Songs, and how are we to read it? By way of answer, consider a comparison with the book of Psalms. Just as the Psalms are a collection of prayers, prayed by real people and given as inspiration for our prayer lives, so the Song of Songs is a collection of love poems, written by real lovers, and given as inspiration for our love lives. Inspiration is exactly what is needed these days. For although the marriages portrayed in movies like Braveheart and 300 are fiercely passionate affairs, modern marriage is more often depicted as flatlining and in need of a defibrillator. But are such depictions the necessary reality? Can we men not take hold of something better? Can we not love and make love to our wives like king Leonidas on the eve of battle? Good news, gentlemen, because the Song of Songs

features

is the godly man’s manifesto to do exactly that: to take hold of the lover that God intended each of us to be, to love our wives like men. A handbook with a twist The Song is actually a kind of guide. But make no mistake; this guide looks nothing like the owner’s manual sitting in the glove box of your minivan. It is more alive than that: it is like a running series of love scenes, with each scene illustrating a different season of romance. Like the shifting weather in the life of every couple’s marriage, these scenes shift from one to the next without any obvious rhyme or reason. In the first chapter alone, the lovers are seen first talking, then running off to bed, then apart again, working through the day, and then together again, lying beneath the trees. This constant sense of change makes for some dense writing, which is the hallmark of Hebrew wisdom literature, but there is a reason for this density. It is to draw you into active thought—in your approach toward the Song itself, and also toward your lady. The Song is alerting the reader that contemplation, slow and deliberate, is the key to unlocking both its garden and a woman’s. For example, look at Song of Songs 2:10-13 (author’s translation). (She) My lover sang out to me, (He) Arise, my lady love, my beautiful one, and come away. See how the winter is past, and the rains over and gone. The flowers have appeared on the ground, the time of the songbird has alighted, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree has budded with early fruit, and the vines have presented their blossoming scent. Arise, come away my lady love, my beautiful one. Come away.

Awkward Does the scenario at the beginning of the article sound far-fetched? In a sense, it is, since no single individual has ever borne the responsibility of deciding what will be in the Bible. On the other hand, there is truth to it, since the Song has indeed caused centuries of head-scratching to the devotees of Scripture. Take, for example, the early church father, Cyril of Alexandria (376-444 A.D.). When he encountered Song of Songs 1:13, he claimed that the sachet must be Christ. And as for the aforementioned bosoms, well, what else could they be but the Old and New Testaments?! This symbolic approach is called the allegorical method, and as you can see, it leads to some awkward positions— Kama Sutra awkward.

Just listen to the way the lover speaks to his lady, how he calls her to join him in his world, how he describes where he will take her with words that would appeal particularly to a woman. “The flowers have appeared...” (1:12). Clearly, the lover has been on the alert for whatever attracts his lady: flowers, songbirds and blossoming vines. He has set her so firmly upon his heart, by actively considering her desires and delights that he is able to view the world through the lens of her happiness and so awaken the spring in their romance after a wintery separation. “Arise,” he says, “see how the winter is past, and the rains over and gone.” In the natural world, winter is to be expected, a season which comes and goes with an almost polite regularity. In the romantic world, things are less predictable. Once the winter cold sets in

on love, it may never leave—unless someone does something. Gentlemen, do something. The longer you wait, the more deeply will the cold set in on your marriage. “Gird up your loins like a man,” as God told Job. That is, prepare yourself for active deeds of mind and body, as is fitting to the manhood God bestowed on you. If your marriage has been withering in a season of cold isolation, then put on the life-giving hope of the lover’s words. You hold a masculine power that is not to be underestimated: the power of a man to breathe hope into a woman. Breathe hope, then, into your woman. Invite your beloved into shared experience. Take her hand, go for a walk and make a memory. Let the spring begin with your initiative. All of these imperatives are variations on the Song’s central message for us as men: Be active.

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Love her like a man Time and again, the lady of the Song calls her lover to masculine activity, saying: “Lead me after you, and let us run! (1:4). And, “Catch for us the foxes” (2:15). And, “Set me as a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm” (Song 8:6). This last example is a striking request, since there is only one other thing in all of Scripture upon which a man is called to set his heart: the word of God. “Set these words of mine over your heart and soul, and bind them on your hands...” (Deuteronomy 11:18). Now the way that a man was to set something upon his heart was by thinking about it—both silently and out loud—by meditating on it in the night, and calling it to mind during the day. This is what it means to set something on your heart, and this is what the Song is calling you to do with your wife.

Try this So then, gentlemen: set aside 15 minutes of uninterrupted time each week to actively think about your wife. If you do, you will gain an insight on her that would not otherwise be yours. You will develop an ability to love her in the unique ways that she needs you to love her. Imitate the lover in the Song and actively acquaint yourself with her preferences, so that you may know how to woo your own lady. Look at your surroundings through the lens of her delight. Find places to take her. Make a note of any item or event which might be of interest to her. It may be as grand as a night at the symphony, or as secluded as a lantern-lit picnic in the park. What is important is that your idea tells her that you have been thinking of her.

The Song of Songs may at times seem as inscrutable as the heart of a woman, but if you will gird up the loins of your mind and give it the active attention required for by wisdom literature, you will find yourself moving through it and your marriage with increasing sure-footedness. You will find yourself taking hold of the lover God intended you to be: a romantic adventurer who loves his lady like a man.

Daren Redekopp is a writer, speaker and downtown pastor. Read more at darenredekopp.com, or email rdaren@hotmail.com

Lev (heart) According to Hebrew thought, the heart was the seat not only of human feeling, but also human thinking, so that when the lady calls her lover to set her upon his heart, she means not only his heart as we use the word, but also his mind.

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Dad, please talk to me about sex Every child born into the world is a new thought of God.

by Mark Laing

When I was in grade seven, my mother handed me a book entitled, Growing Up. It was a brief, vague and poetic discussion of the process of reproduction, complete with scientific diagrams of a penis and vagina. She told me to read it and if I had any questions, ask her. This was the beginning and ending of my sex talk. As I became more aware of my sexuality I gained further instruction about sex from reading the detailed sex scenes in “The Godfather.” Accessing my father’s Playboy magazine enhanced this and from this, lust was born. I’d like to believe this scenario is rare, but having interviewed thousands of men, it is all too typical. A study in 1998 found that less than 10 per cent of teenagers listed their parents as their major source of information on sex. On the other hand, many studies indicate that families that exhibit strong loving relationships and maintain appropriate open communication raise children significantly less likely to engage in sex at an early age or engage in risky sexual behaviour. Children begin to learn about sex at a very early age simply from the way their

parents model affection. Are mom and dad loving or distant? Are they respectful to each other? When they fight, do the children hear them exchange sexually charged profane labels against each other? Does dad have pornography in the house? For some time now, the role of fathers has been diminished. Many philosophers, scientists and researchers argue that the nurturing role of a mother is all that really matters. Yet this has been

demonstrated to be incorrect. A child benefits the most from the positive imprint of both the feminine and the masculine. They need both. The task of helping kids develop healthy, respectful and appropriately boundary-laden lives is best achieved when a father has a voice in the lives of his children. It helps them develop their

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Dad, Please Talk to Me About Sex

sense of connection, capability and courage. So when we as men are uncomfortable talking to our kids about sex, we are robbing them a portion of healthy development. Teach respect So what do our kids need to know? First they need to see the sex talk. By this I mean they need to see mom and dad show appropriate and respectful affection (not groping). They need to learn to respect their bodies by seeing mom and dad always dressed appropriately. Children need to see and learn about gender respect. They need to know that hitting is not the way to handle disputes with the opposite sex. Your son should see you open the door for your wife, and you should encourage him to open the door for others. Your children should never hear you and your spouse in the heat of a

disagreement call each other sexually laden names. Respect is always a mutual experience. They need to know the correct names of their anatomy such as penis or vagina. Pet names for these body parts trivialize their sexuality and when they get older it can also trivialize the act of sex rendering losing their virginity as no big deal. Virginity is not just for girls. Even before the age of seven to eight, children can be very sexually aware individuals. They are likely to become curious about anatomy. Parents at this stage often speak to their children about their “private areas” where other people are not to touch. Sadly in a world where sexual abuse is prevalent, children need to know about this protection. Age appropriate Consider the age of the child before deciding how detailed an answer to provide. A four-year-old asking, “Where do babies come from?” deserves a much less detailed explanation than for a 10year-old. Much of the curiosity of children is mainly anatomical curiosity and does not necessarily require details on the process. For example, you might say that babies come from mommy and daddy loving and respecting each other. If they want more, you can add that babies come from a seed that daddy gives to mommy. You might even conduct an illustration by planting a bean seed in a cup and letting the child watch it grow. For many years one of the most popular magazines for young boys

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accessing sexual images has been the Sears catalogue. Pictures of attractive women modeling bras and panties, swimsuits and pajamas can be very arousing for a young male libido. Young children tend to ask anatomy related questions, but as they mature and head into their teens, which is about the age of 10 for some, their questions of curiosity change significantly. They might want to know what French kissing is. They may have questions about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases. Sons might be shocked at having had a wet dream or if they will harm themselves through masturbation. They might even want to know how far they can really go. They need help processing new and powerful feelings as they begin to feel attracted to others. If you have not developed open and honest communication with them where they feel safe to seek your information and advice, they will likely get that off the street and you can be sure, it will likely be wrong. Consider what kinds of images are in the magazines on display in your home. Or books? Does any of the literature in your home provide detailed descriptions of sexual acts? Do you have pornographic magazines or videos? (And no, it does not matter how well you think they are hidden. It is amazing how kids can hunt down and find this material.) Walk plus talk Sex education in the home may begin with modeling, but especially in the teen years it must also be verbalized. This verbalization is often an uncomfortable experience for parents and more so for

fathers who might suggest the teen, “ask their mother” or employ humour to escape their own uncomfortable feelings. Many men never had a parent talk to them about sex so they have no model to go on when it comes their turn to speak to their own kids. Women are typically more inclined than men to discuss the feelings and emotions teens are beginning to acknowledge within their own sexual being. Yet fathers can have such a profound effect on their kids; they are the missing piece of the puzzle. When they don’t participate in the sex talk, there is a void for the teen. Daughters need to hear the heart of their father towards sex just as much as they need their mother’s. Sons are no different. Because they feel uncomfortable talking about sex, men are often tempted to be crude and sensational when relating to their kids (especially their sons). Again, this only trivializes the sacredness and beauty of sex and endorses many of the inappropriate sexual myths in secular culture that their

teens will have more than their fill of. When we speak in a Christcentered manner, we provide not only an alternative to the secular message of sex—we also give them the truth. It is important for parents not only to articulate the factual data concerning sex, but also help teens know why God asks us to wait for marriage before engaging in sex and many try to explain with simply saying, “Because the Bible says so,” or “I said so.” A more productive response might be that when any couple gets married they all get the same wedding gift from God…the gift of sex. This is the best gift because it is through this gift a couple begins bonding. Bonding plays an important role in commitment. Outside the commitment of marriage or in the illusory commitment of commonlaw, the possibility of walking away if things get rough is far easier. Marriage tends to keep individuals wanting to work at the difficulties rather than run away from them.

Preparing your kids for a healthy sex life is a commitment till they leave the house and marry. Open communication, healthy modeling of sexual boundaries (like no porn in the house), positive and respectful regard for them and most importantly…just loving them will help them pick healthier partners, have healthier lives, achieve better contentment and self-regard and respect. Sex might be a wonderful gift from God, but talking to your kids about it is a wise gift from you. So? How wise are you going to be?

Mark Laing has been a therapist for 15 years and is with the Bayridge Family Center in Burlington, Ontario. His practice focuses on marriages as well as abuse, affairs, pornography addictions, anger and mood disorders. Check the Bayridge website at www.bayridgefamilycenter.com

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Single and sexless What is a single guy to do?

Paul Boge

As if being single wasn’t bad enough. Not only does a single male have to spend Saturday night without a date, but he also has to fend off constant questions at family gatherings about why he’s still single. He has to put up with being turned down; he’s got to remain optimistic with every passing year. Oh, and to boot, on top of all that—he can’t have sex either. So what’s a single guy to do? We live in an over-sexed culture and being a single Christian in our day and age presents particular issues. The world offers various solutions to how a single man can deal with sexual issues—all of them ultimately allow a man to do whatever he thinks is best to meet his needs. Today, a single’s decision not to have sex is sometimes respected, sometimes ridiculed. But overall, it’s not by accident that abstinence is no longer discussed seriously as an option in popular culture. But is the issue of having sex the only issue facing single Christian males? And if not, what are some of the sexual issues that face a single Christian male, and what are some ways to address them? Is it really wrong for singles to have sex? The first issue we face is determining whether it is right or wrong for a single male to have sex. To properly address sexual issues for singles we need to examine what the Bible says about it. If we’re going to lead Godhonouring lives, we need to have our hearts changed so that we will want to live in accordance with what the Bible teaches. If we believe the Bible is true when it says all scripture is profitable for instruction (2 Tim. 3:16), then we can have confidence that what it teaches us about sex and being single will bring us closer to God and will bring him glory. “Marriage is honourable among all and the bed undefiled, but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). This verse makes it clear that God does not permit sex of any kind for the single. If we

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accept God’s teaching, then God can work in us and through us to make it possible to be pure singles in our day and age. But isn’t it impossible not to have sex? Some people believe that if you’re married at least you have an outlet, and if you’re single, you’re screwed. Or are you? Is it possible for a single Christian to remain sexually pure in our culture? Temptation to go outside of God’s design for sex is a problem for all men and possibly more for singles because there is nothing else available to them. For this, it is important to see that God has provided everything we need for life and godliness (2 Pet 1:3). To resist sexual temptation there are three keys that can be helpful to the single male: 1) You are complete in Christ. The world says you have to have sex to be complete. The Bible says you don’t. “For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily and you are complete in Him who is the head of all principality and power” (Col 2:9-10). Natural and cultural pressures of having sex can push singles to believe they are missing out on something and that only sex can make them whole. It can also lead singles to believe they are not normal for resisting sex outside of marriage. Our age is defined by individualism, which encourages the wants and needs of the individual to be paramount—whatever an individual wants is more important than what the group needs. Yet, the Holy Spirit can and will fully occupy a single man such that he will not give in to temptation and will not feel the emptiness of not being able to engage in sex. Ironically, not being able to have sex is a blessing in the sense that it drives a single man to God to look for healing and wholeness. This brings glory to God because He sees a man who both wants to be whole

and who recognizes his utter bankruptcy and inability on his own to accomplish what only God can. The greatest challenge in being sexually pure as a single male is to be convicted that the Holy Spirit can meet all of our needs. While the Bible never promises a wife to every single man, it does guarantee that Christ alone can and will fulfill you and your purpose. 2) Avoid enticing opportunities. The Bible is replete with examples of men who put themselves in harm’s way and gave in to temptation. Sometimes this is because of poor planning. “If you right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you, for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish than for your whole body to be cast into hell” (Matthew 5:29). Have a look around. Analyze your defense. What are your trouble spots? What causes you to stumble? Jesus instructs us to get rid of those things. Lust tells God, “You’re not good enough to meet every one of my needs so I will go and find a way to solve that by giving into temptation.” But Jeremiah 2:13 reminds us: “For my people have committed two evils. They have forsaken me the fountain of living waters to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” Lust is temporarily more attractive than Christ when seen through selfish eyes. But a solid, ongoing relationship with Christ will encourage a single male more than anything else. 3) The battle begins in your mind. Where the wheels aim, the vehicle follows. We must be militant in our thinking to ensure that nothing unchecked is allowed to sit around in our mind. Thoughts become actions. “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). If we imagine our mind as a series of guards at an airport security checkpoint, we want to be on our guard to become conscious of every thought and determine whether a thought or emotion

lines up with the word of God. If not, it gets turfed. In this way we not allow just anything to waltz into our heart and mind. God isn’t being fair There are countless reasons why people are single. But whatever the case, most guys didn’t grow up wanting to be single. It’s a role men grew into or had to adjust to accept. This doesn’t mean marriage is always bliss. But it does mean that the sting of singleness can go really deep and it can lead a person to question what God is up to. Singleness can hurt. It’s easy to entertain the wrong thought, the idea that God is punishing you by keeping you single and purposefully aggravating you by not allowing you to procreate and have a family. Israel felt the same way: “Yet you say, ‘The way of the Lord is not fair’” (Ezekiel 18:24). It’s a milestone to see past the issues of sex and family and look to the cross. He is there. And somehow, He is fair and encourages us even when it seems he is distant. God “works all things according to the counsel of His will” (Eph. 1:11). And there is a path forward. Sex is a gift from God designed only for marriage. As singles, we are still sexual beings, but the desire for sex can and will be transformed as we focus on God and allow the Holy Spirit to enter every area of our lives. It requires a commitment to keeping sex only in marriage, standing firm in our nature in Christ to resists temptation, and trusting God to meet our needs.

Paul H. Boge is single and is an author, filmmaker and engineer. He’s the author of The Urban Saint: The Harry Lehotsky Story.

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d e d i u g s Mi l a u sex ades p a c es s i s e n e in G anity as hum ld o s are a l antics Sexua

by Korey Douglas

Sex is a vital aspect of humanity with a habit of heading south in a hurry. It has an uncanny way of spawning all sorts of sad situations and silly behaviour. This is nothing new. According to the book of Genesis, we’ve been sexual beings right from the start—when God created a man and a woman to be companions and lovers. Eden was the perfect world, and part of what made it so special was that “a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This was a time of idyllic purity, when “the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed” (2:25). Alas, Adam and Eve’s paradisiacal innocence didn’t last. The couple ate forbidden fruit and the human situation got a lot more complicated. “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew they were naked” (3:7).

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Wow! The very first thing Adam and Eve’s newfound knowledge of good and evil taught them was that certain parts of their bodies were private and personal, not for public display. The very first activity in their enlightened state was to cover up, to stitch some fig leaves together and situate them strategically. It’s a rather comic scene. A fig leaf a day does not keep the Creator away. God found the man and the woman easily enough and meted out the consequences of their disobedience. And, get this, a key part of the penalty related directly to their sexuality—Eve is told she will suffer increased pain in childbearing (3:16). Then as now, however, the prospect of pain didn’t get in the way of the urge to reproduce. I’ll say it more directly. Potential complications don’t stop people from engaging in the activity that causes pregnancy. True then. True now.

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So, the first couple gets tossed from the garden and life becomes more difficult. But they still get to have sex. In fact, the first thing the Bible tells us about their post-Eden existence is that “the man knew his wife” and they began a family (4:1). Babies plus It should go without saying that sex is about making babies. In ancient times, the ability to produce sons and daughters was an indicator of status and success. In the modern world, however, overpopulation and advanced birth control options make it easier to separate sex from its procreative function. Of course, sex is also pleasurable, and even back in the mists of early history it was never only about babies. Adam probably didn’t have babies on the mind when he noticed Eve’s nakedness and did what comes naturally.

Fastforward a few generations. Genesis includes a curious account of divine beings so attracted by the beauty of earthly women that they take them as wives (6:2). God takes a dim view of these dalliances (6:5). He links them with the wicked culture of violence that set the stage for Noah, who famously built an ark, survived a global flood and preserved a remnant so the whole world could get a fresh start. But some things don’t change, not even with a rainbow covenant. Noah himself got drunk and had a regrettable nakedness episode long after the ark was safely grounded (10:21). And the next major characters in the biblical record—Abraham and his descendents— trot out a veritable caravan of misguided sexual escapades. Where to begin? With Abram in Egypt crafting lies because his wife is so beautiful he’s afraid he might lose her to Pharaoh (12:10-20)? With Abram taking Sarai’s advice and bedding her maidservant in order to produce the heir that wasn’t coming naturally to them (16:3,4)? With Lot offering his virgin daughters to appease a rape mob in Sodom (19:8)?

With the drunken seduction of Lot by his daughters (19:32)? As you can see, the picture isn’t particularly pretty and we’re not even half way through the first book of the Bible. We won’t get bogged down in the details of Esau’s bad marriages (26:34,35) or the trickery of Laban that put Leah instead of Rachel into Jacob’s wedding bed (29:23). Nor will we tell how rival wives squabbled over aphrodisiacs to lure the attentions of their husband (30:14ff). We won’t even discuss the rape of Dinah, even though the story blends both comedy and tenderness with its terrible violence. Strange happenings Instead we’ll observe a couple of strange sexual incidents included in the biblical record. In chapter 38, Jacob’s son Judah gets married to a Canaanite woman and has three sons with her. The eldest son then marries Tamar, but this young man was so wicked the Lord put him to death before any children were born. Judah then instructed his second son, Onan, to do his brotherly duty and impregnate the widow in order to perpetuate the lineage of the first-born. (This is not the way these matters are managed in contemporary North America.) Onan, however, didn’t want to father a child he couldn’t consider his own. So whenever he had sex with Tamar, he withdrew prematurely and spilled

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Misguided sexual escapades in Genesis

his semen on the ground. Thus Onan’s name has gone down in history as a euphemism for masturbation. (Physicians in the 18th century even diagnosed onania as a malady, based on the belief that semen was an “essential oil” and “stimulus” that, when lost from the body in sufficient amounts, would cause all kinds of physical disorders.) Back in Genesis, the Lord was so displeased with Onan that He put him to death (38:10), a judgment that says more about the way Onan was avoiding his obligations than about the issue of masturbation as such. That story falls strangely on modern ears, but it’s not even half over. The rest of the chapter relates how the twicewidowed Tamar tricked her father-in-law into having sex with her by posing as a prostitute. Is this morally complicated? Yes. Twice Tamar was Judah’s daughter-inlaw, and yet she became the mother of two of his children (twins). One of them, Perez, is listed as an ancestor of King David (Ruth 4:18), which means that Tamar and all this nonsense are dynamics in the lineage of Jesus. Go figure. Joseph’s misadventure Jacob’s son Joseph presents a more wholesome picture in his unwelcome sexual adventure (39). As a household slave to Potiphar, a powerful military leader in Egypt, Joseph had become a responsible, successful and trusted man. Apparently he was also something of a hunk. At any rate, Potiphar’s wife took a shine to the young man and beckoned him to her bed. He declined. She was relentless, making herself sexually available to Joseph on repeated occasions. He continued to spurn her

advances. He refused to get involved with his master’s wife, refused to “do this great wickedness, and sin against God” (39:9). “One day, however, when he went into the house to do his work, and while no one else was in the house, she caught hold of his garment, saying, ‘lie with me!’ But he left his garment in her hand and fled outside” (39:11,12). Joseph’s virtue is certainly laudable, but the story did not play out very well for him. Who would you believe: Joseph, who ran outside naked; or the lady of the house, who raised the alarm and accused Joseph of untoward conduct? How likely are most men to spurn the advances of an attractive woman? Not likely. How likely are most men to opt for sex if given half a chance? More likely. Well, Potiphar was a man of the world familiar with the ways of men. Not surprisingly, he believed his wife’s story that the slave was the sexual aggressor and only her cries “with a loud voice” had sent the scoundrel scurrying from her chamber. Joseph landed with a thump in jail. Bible readers will know that things eventually did turn around for Joseph, but since that has little do with sex we’ll drop it and try to wrap things up. Sex matters What messages might these distressing or amusing or perplexing incidents from the opening chapters of the Bible be delivering to contemporary Canadian men? At one level, they help us to recognize the reality that sex is a fundamental element of human identity. We are sexual beings. Everyone is the product of sex. Everyone has to deal with it in some way

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or other at some time or other. For better and for worse, it’s part of who we are and it influences how we behave. These stories from ancient times also show that human sexuality has both personal and communal implications. It is profoundly personal. We don’t refer to our sexual apparatus as “private parts” for no reason, and the impulse to cover up runs deeper than our current community standards. These matters are inherently delicate. This self-consciousness and moral awareness distinguishes human beings from the rest of the animal kingdom. Yes, sex is a private matter, but it is also a shared activity. Sexual urges generate interest in and desire for others. They pave the way to the levels of profound intimacy that bond husbands and wives into a cohesive unit. They create pleasure. And, of course, they are necessary to produce families, which are the basic building block of every society. Sex also has a shadowy side of physical and relational complications that the Bible doesn’t shy from telling. Yet despite the countless tangles it causes, sex is supposed to be about pleasure and love and babies. It puts the fun into function. That’s the way we’re wired. “Be fruitful and multiply,” God told the male and female he’d just created (1:28). And … “God saw everything that He had made, and indeed, it was very good” (1:31).

Korey Douglas is a writer who finds the Bible fascinating and perceptive.

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Goalie with the LORD in his crease James Reimer really believes the verse on his mask. by Scott Taylor Toronto Maple Leafs goaltender James Reimer never enters the crease without the word of the LORD in—and on—his head. In fact, it’s right there on his mask: Matthew 14:31. “Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’” The verse is like an onion. It’s layered. It means so many things in so many different ways. “It’s my story, in a modern way,” says Reimer, the goaltender who will carry the Leafs on his broad shoulders this season. “When Peter lost focus on Jesus, things began to go badly for him. But when he focused on the LORD and was confident in his faith, then he had the ability to do anything. When Jesus walked on water and asked why did you doubt me, well, that’s how I feel sometimes. There were a lot of people who did not believe I would ever make it to the NHL but my faith carried me through. “Now, walking on water is quite amazing, but so is my journey to the NHL. When I kept my focus on Christ and on my game, I was able to overcome the dark times. I think we can all do that.” It has been quite an amazing road to the highest level of hockey in the world. Last year, as the goalie for the NHL’s Toronto Maple Leafs, Reimer went 20-10-5

in 37 appearances and not only had a goals against average of 2.60, but also a save percentage of .921. He was a candidate for the NHL’s Calder Trophy as Rookie of the Year. Incredible ride It’s been an incredible ride for a young man who came out of tiny Morweena, Manitoba, a community in the province’s Interlake Region that claims about 150200 souls. And most of those souls have been committed to God at the Morweena Evangelical Mennonite Church. “I grew up in a small Christian home in a small Christian community,” Reimer explains. “I was very lucky. In my community, everyone was committed to their faith. That meant I didn’t have to grow up being afraid of my faith. I did grow up knowing what church meant. The whole town was like living in one big Bible college. “I have always been committed to my church and to God. Always.” He’s also been committed to hockey. In particular, he’s always been a goalie, and he knows that while hockey can have its ups and downs, his faith never waivers. He’ll tell you without hesitation that it was his faith—both in the Lord Jesus Christ and in his own abilities—that got him to the NHL.

“It was my brother Mark that put me in goal,” Reimer recalls. “The only way I could play with the older kids is if I played goal. It’s funny but I loved it right from the start.” His parents, Marlene and Harold, built a rink in the backyard. It wasn’t long before James begged his mom to let him join his first organized team. Before he knew it he was playing for Brent Sutter and the Red Deer Rebels in the Western Hockey League and he seemed to be on his way to the top. But Reimer will be the first to admit that if it were not for his faith, he’d never have come close to the NHL. “There were some very dark times,” he conceded. “There were times in Red Deer when I never thought I’d be good enough. When I was drafted, I went to the American Hockey League and then all the way down to the East Coast League. If it weren’t for my faith, I never would have been able to find the courage and perseverance to stick to it and believe in myself.” And, also, to believe in the words written on his mask. “When you focus on all the unimportant stuff that’s going on around you, then you’re going to sink,” says Reimer, with a boyish grin that belies his 23 years on the planet. “But if you focus on Jesus, in my case, then all those things seem to fade away and you can do some truly amazing things. “In essence, my mask is like an anchor that keeps me from getting too low, and keeps me humble enough to keep from getting too high. It really is who I am.” It is. And it proves that a person can get anywhere, from anywhere, with God at his side. Or, in this case, on his head.

Scott Taylor is a Winnipeg-based sportswriter and broadcaster.

seven – issue twenty-two | january – february, 2012 page 25

money matters

Check financial gauges Keep on track by tracking life changes by Karen Bjerland

Think back to the last time you boarded an airplane. As you crammed your carryon into the overhead bin, were you wondering if the pilot knew how to read the gauges in the cockpit? Probably not, chances are you were more focused on your destination and whether or not your luggage would be on the carousel when you arrived. But what if the pilot decided not to look at the gauges for your flight from Toronto to Vancouver. He wouldn’t know if you were flying at the right altitude, or even if you had enough fuel. How would you feel about staying on the plane? Clearly, the outcome of this flight could be devastating. Similarly, if no one is reading the gauges of change in your life, you may not have the right amount of life insurance or the best investment plan. Flying a plane or a financial plan is a balancing act of forces that we never totally control on our own. But with God’s help, we can organize ourselves enough to get airborne and remain in control. “And He changes the times and the seasons; He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding” (Daniel 2:21). The beginning of a new year is the perfect time to review the previous year and account for any changes you and your family have experienced. Major changes— whether personal or professional—can significantly affect your family’s financial needs. It’s time to gauge where you stand in terms of your goals and what, if any, adjustments are required for your plan.

What’s changed? Your family has grown. Perhaps you got married or added a child to your family. Your responsibility now extends to other people. Be sure to expand your life and disability insurance coverage accordingly. A divorce, serious illness or death in the family may well require you to adjust your insurance and estate plans. Changes in family obligations also affect spending patterns, investment goals and other aspects of your financial affairs. Health concerns. If you or another family member has been diagnosed with an illness, it may affect how you want to structure your finances. You may need funds to be readily available, or require expert advice on the best way to access your savings. Your work has changed. Did you start a new job this year? Are you expecting a raise or promotion soon? Higher income means greater financial losses to your family if something were to happen to you. If you left a full-time job to raise children or start your own business, it’s crucial that you replace group insurance benefits with a personal plan. Think about how work is going. Do you expect a promotion? Is a layoff possible? Good news or bad should factor into your investment decisions. You took on debt. Perhaps you bought a new home or car, or borrowed money to renovate your kitchen. If you’ve taken on additional debt, make sure your insurance is adequate to cover all liabilities and interest payments.

seven – issue twenty-two | january – february, 2012 page 26

You are approaching retirement. As you get closer to retirement age, an investment review and retirement plan is essential. Your tolerance for risk may go down as you look for more stability and security. Your investment time horizon may also change to ensure that your funds are available when you want to access them. Gauges help us to assess situations and to measure where we are. We don’t need to spend every moment checking them, but we must develop a process for scanning them to determine if we have identified what is important. A written financial plan provides this set of gauges. Once we gauge our condition, we begin to see if things are about to boil over; if we’ve overstressed the engine; or if we have enough fuel to keep going. Before another month goes by, take a few minutes to speak with your financial advisor to gauge whether or not you have enough insurance coverage for the changes in your life. Ask them to review your financial plan and to provide you with a detailed financial analysis that will give you peace of mind at this stage. One of the only constant things is change. It will come, so scan the gauges to ensure that you’re ready.

Karen Bjerland is president and CEO at FaithLife Financial. www.faithlifefinancial.ca

Out of my depth

Tigers, or dead fish? Fidelity is the best aphrodisiac by Mark Buchanan

When my editor at SEVEN announced the theme for this issue, my heart fairly leapt: “Sex and the Canadian Male.” “It may require some research,” he said. “I can do that,” I answered. “Is there a travel budget?” Sex is one of my favourite ideas. It’s one of my life themes, really. So I warmed quickly to the topic. I think of an early Steve Martin movie, The Idiot, where as a man-child he discovers sex, and excitedly phones his mother: “Mom, I’ve found my Purpose!” It’s not quite that bad for me, but close. I grew up pagan—meaning, I had a vague and superstitious belief in some god. It was more a notion of god-ness, some capricious ill-defined force out there that needed indulging, appeasing and avoiding. I did these things— indulged, appeased, avoided—in the wild hope that the god might increase my windfalls and decrease my pitfalls. Make me thin, rich, and happy. I neither worshipped this god nor loved him. I feared and tried to use him. But everything I believed was soaked in the brine of my superstition. My ideas and attitudes about money, family, career, self—all were formed and informed by it. And sex: sex was a talisman of the god. It was his power made manifest. It was a way of touching the Great Deep, or something like that. At 21 I met the true and living God, incarnate in Jesus Christ, and was astonished beyond all recovery. And thus began a massive rethinking of virtually

everything: money, family, career, self. And sex. Before, I would have argued, with force and conviction, that sex was too good a medicine, too potent a magic, to be confined to monogamy. It was to be shared widely, explored diversely. To put boundaries on it was to destroy its sacredness. Why put in a cage what was meant to fly the ocean? Christianity, such as I understood it, was out-dated, repressive and altogether Victorian on this score. The only ethic governing sex should be love, loosely understood. Strong feelings, for instance, could be deemed love, and so the line between lust and love grew vanishingly thin. I see it much differently now, and not just because I’m “supposed to.” I’ve been a pastor long enough to have seen the downside of sexy. Sex outside the context God created it for—a loving, faithful, lifelong marriage—is like fire tumbling out the wood stove: inside, it is a thing of beauty and great usefulness; outside, it is a thing of terror and great destruction. I think of—oh, let’s call him Robert. Robert was molested by his babysitter at age 10, and thus began a life of dark secrets and scavenging addictions. He’s the poster child for Eros Unbound. Like Solomon, he denied himself nothing his eyes craved. At 42, it’s not a happy story, not a pretty sight. Robert is haggard and sick. He is so filled with shame and remorse that a good day for him is getting to the

end of it. He is desperately lonely. Terrible thoughts taunt him. But he keeps returning to the same broken cistern because, though each visit makes him feel worse, it’s all he knows to try to make himself feel better. Isabella St. James, a former “playmate” in the personal harem of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, wrote a book a few years ago. Bunny Tales is an expose of Hefner and his empire of sex. It is a withering portrait. Hefner, the grand chieftain and high priest of Eros Unbound, needs strong drugs and a steady stream of gay porn to even engage in his twiceweekly orgies. These involve, every time, 12 of the loveliest creatures you’d ever set eyes on, but it’s not enough. Isabella describes Hefner in bed as a “dead fish.” So much for touching the great deep. I believe this with all my heart, and have proved it in real time: Fidelity is the best aphrodisiac. It is love potion number 9. To give oneself exclusively to one woman your entire life, and she to you, makes sex sweeter and more mysterious by the day. To be a one-woman man is to be a tiger with a tigress. Leave the dead fish to Hefner and his ilk. I’ve been married 26 years, and every time (which is often) my tigress ravages me, I wake again more whole and holy than ever. It was never this way in my pagan days.

Mark Buchanan is an author and pastor living on Vancouver Island. The author of several best-selling books, his most recent title is Spiritual Rhythm.

seven – issue twenty-two | january – february, 2012 page 27

power play

Great games. Great toys. Great gadgets. Reviews by Sandy McMurray

AIR SWIMMERS RC SHARK

HOME FREE!

SINCH

airswimmers.com

ooma.com

sinch.com

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the living room, there’s a shark swimming through the air. Imagine the looks on people’s faces when they see a shark floating towards them in the office or at a mall. Actually, you don’t have to imagine—go to YouTube and search for “Air Swimmers” to see how people react. To scare your friends and family you need the Air Swimmers RC Shark and a tank of helium (sold separately). Fill the Shark balloon with helium, and then attach the tether and radio control receiver. Now you’re ready to glide through the air like a shark through deep water. Two types of Air Swimmers are available so far: Shark and Clownfish. One is menacing; the other is friendly. Air Swimmers move like a zeppelin, not a plane, so they’re very maneuverable. Unlike other flying RC products, Air Swimmers can bump into a wall and just bounce back.

The Ooma Telo is a tiny computer that delivers home phone service for free. All you have to do is buy the Telo box, connect it to your Internet connection and your existing telephone. You get a crystalclear phone line with all the features you expect from home phone service, including unlimited calls across Canada, caller ID, call waiting, voicemail and 911 service. And you get all this for the low, low monthly price of FREE. Ooma launched in the U.S. in 2007 but has just entered the Canadian market. As of this writing the Ooma Telo is available for $230 from Amazon.ca, London Drugs and select Costco locations. More retail outlets will come online later in 2012. Based on an average phone bill of $40 per month, the Ooma Telo pays for itself in six months or less. Ooma makes its money from sales of the Telo and from an optional monthly service called Ooma Premier, which adds advanced features including call screening, call forwarding, and threeway conferencing. After you buy the Telo, your only home phone expense is $3.98 per month for government regulatory fees and taxes—the same fees that are on your phone bill right now. For more information about the Ooma Telo, visit ca.ooma.com

Keep your headphones safe, snug and tangle free with Sinch, a simple accessory for iPhone, iPod and other music players. Using a Sinch really is a cinch. Just attach it to your headphones, wrap the cord around your gadget, then close the loop on the Sinch to hold the cord in place. Tiny magnets keep everything where they should be. When you need the headphones again, gently tug on the headphone cord to release the Sinch. When not in use, take the Sinch off your music player and use it to wrap and hold the headphone cord. When you’re ready for music again, there won’t be any tangles in the cord. Sinch is a simple, elegant solution to a common problem. This is what technology is supposed to be!

PICK PUNCH thinkgeek.com

Guitar picks are small bits of plastic that are easy to lose. If you have the do it yourself pick punch, you’ll never be without a guitar pick again. Just insert the material you want to use into the Pick Punch and squeeze. That’s all there is to it—you just made a guitar pick. The Pick Punch makes it easy to make picks out of expired gift cards or any bit of colourful plastic. Why stop at plastic? Any material hard enough to use as a pick but soft enough to punch can be used to make a custom guitar pick.

seven – issue twenty-two | january – february, 2012 page 28

OSMOS hemispheregames.com

Enter the ambient world of Osmos: elegant, physics-based gameplay, dreamlike visuals and a minimalist electronic soundtrack. This game is hard

power play

to explain but highly recommended. You are a mote of dust drifting through the universe. Your objective is to grow by absorbing smaller dust particles. To move forward, you must fire some of your mass behind you. This makes you smaller, which makes you vulnerable to bigger motes. The world of Osmos is peaceful and relaxing at first. As you get comfortable, the playing area enlarges and you begin to face motes of dust with the same abilities and goals as you. Osmos is a strange and wonderful game. It’s available for PC, Mac, Linux, iPhone and iPad.

THE SUPER BOWL ototodesign.com

Have you ever sat down for dinner at a fancy restaurant and found that the place setting has more than two forks? You’re not sure which one is for the salad and which one is for dessert. It’s an awkward feeling. When your friends come over to watch Super Bowl XLVI, you want your guests to be as comfortable as possible. They shouldn’t have to guess which bowl is for potpourri and which one is for snacks. Yes, this is a really super bowl. It doesn’t look exactly like the Lucas Oil Stadium, but it’s close enough.

REAL MAN’S GUIDE TO FIXIN’ STUFF sourcebooks.com

When something breaks at your house, what happens? Do you stop what you’re doing and fix it? Do you throw it away? Or do you move it to the top of the fridge or the garage, where it will remain broken for months or years? I think most men would like to know more about basic repairs than they do. Red Green said it best: “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” When something around the house breaks, it often gets handed to the nearest guy. If you don’t know a light socket from a socket wrench, this book is for you. The Real Man’s Guide to Fixin’ Stuff covers a wide range of home repair topics, from the leaky garden hose in the front yard to the dull knife in the kitchen and the vacuum cleaner that won’t suck.

SMITTENS smittens.biz

Grab a hand and take a walk with these cozy mittens made for two. One set of Smittens includes one pair of regular size mittens and one oversized mitten made for handholding. The inventor of Smittens says the idea came to her one day when she was on a romantic walk with her husband. They were trying to hold hands through bulky

mittens when it suddenly dawned on her that they could share one big mitten and keep their hands together. Here’s to staying warm and close.

GROWN UP GREEN MACHINE hammacher.com

Cool kids in the 1970s had a status symbol: the plastic tricycle known as the Big Wheel. It was built like a chopper motorcycle and had a hand brake you could pull to skid and spin out. For a couple of years that was the coolest thing on wheels. Then along came The Green Machine—a ride-on vehicle so amazing it took two hands to drive it, and it could spin right around if you stopped the right way. The new Green Machine is a nine-foot, threewheeled replica of the toy I never had. But this is no toy. The new Green Machine has a HarleyDavidson engine that provides 60 horsepower for speeds up to 50 mph. A hidden chain drives the giant front wheel. Two handheld push/pull levers control the rear wheels. The hand levers include brakes while a foot lever controls the manual 6-speed transmission. All this can be yours for just $75,000. Sandy McMurray writes about toys, gadgets, and games at techstuff.ca

seven – issue twenty-two | january – february, 2012 page 29

What women want

From fizzle to sizzle A woman’s excitement is a measure of how much she loves and wants her man. by Sheila Wray Gregoire

When we were first married sex was a tremendous source of tension. It didn’t feel that wonderful to me, but Keith wanted it constantly. For him to feel loved, then, I had to do something I didn’t want to do. Not exactly a recipe for wedded bliss. After months of bickering about this, I decided we were heading down a deadend path, and I changed my attitude. Instead of resenting him, I would be the best wife I could be. I would never turn him down. I would be awesome! I would be stupendous! And so we made love whenever he wanted. A little while after that, he turned to me and said, “I just feel like we never make love.” I was incensed. Didn’t he see how much I was trying? So I surreptitiously grabbed a pocket calendar and started circling everyday that we had sex. The next time he complained, I whipped out that calendar and told him, “you have nothing to whine about, buster.” Another rather heated conversation followed, and miraculously I stopped griping long enough to listen. I realized something important. Men aren’t looking for a wife who will “lie there and let them.” They don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted. Our sex life has done a full 180 over the two decades we’ve been married, and I can point my change of heart back to that night. I realized how important it is for a guy that his wife is aroused, too. It all comes down to basic human anatomy. If a man isn’t excited, sex won’t work. A woman, though, can have sex when she’s writing a grocery list in her head, counting the cobwebs on the ceiling or mentally preparing for that meeting at work.

The only way a guy really knows that his wife wants to, then, is if she is aroused and participating. Thus, a woman’s excitement matters to a guy, and not just because he wants her to feel good. It’s also a measure of how much she loves and wants him. As a woman, I completely understand that now. If your wife doesn’t, perhaps you should have a conversation about this with her, gently, so she understands, too. But there’s another half of the issue that you men also need to understand. It’s this: for women, arousal isn’t always easy. If you pressure us, it isn’t going to happen. Have you heard it said that men are like microwaves, and women are like slow cookers? Apparently men heat up almost instantaneously, while women take longer to grow steamy. I think that analogy is rather weak, though, because it implies that a woman will, indeed, heat up. The truth is we may not. You may be doing the exact same thing that put her in raptures two nights ago, but tonight you can tell she’s just thinking, “hurry up and get it over with.” Our sex drives are in our heads. If our heads aren’t engaged, our bodies won’t follow, no matter what you do. We need to decide to enjoy it. And that’s hard if we have worries from the day intruding like a pinball banging around in our brains. It’s also hard if we’re tired, or if we’re sore, or even if we’re tense about sex. If you want sex to be stupendous, then, here are three quick things to keep in mind: First, help her to clear her head of the things that can distract her. Take a walk and talk about the day’s worries after dinner. Pick up a mop and do some housework. Bathe the kids so she gets some time to herself to process.

seven – issue twenty-two | january – february, 2012 page 30

Don’t stay up so late watching television that she’ll be exhausted by the time you plop into bed. Take some of her burdens onto you. Second, learn how to turn her on. Set a timer for 20 minutes and just touch her, without expecting anything else. Learn how her body works. If you do this, she’ll learn how to orgasm. She will likely find it easier to orgasm to touch than during intercourse initially, too. Just don’t pressure her, because the more pressure she has, the less she can mentally let go. And if our heads are too active, our bodies clam up. It’s wonderful you want her to experience that explosion, but don’t want it so badly that you feed performance anxiety. You’ve got decades to get this right. Aim for it, but laugh about it, too. Third, and this one is super important: sometimes we women know we’re not going to experience fireworks tonight. We’re too tired, we’re too worried, we’re too preoccupied. But we still may love you and want to give you a gift. Guys, take the gift. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t become grumpy because she’s not in the mood. When we want to give to you, let us. If you make us think that every time we make love you’ll be upset if we don’t orgasm, then we’ll only ever make love if we’re certain we’re going to go over the edge. And trust me: we’re rarely certain. If you don’t pressure us, but just appreciate us, you’re lighting the fireworks that will go off on another night. And that is how you start a marriage sizzling. Sheila Wray Gregoire’s new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is out in February! Find out more at www.SheilaWrayGregoire.com.

MISSIONS Join us on a mission trip to help give children an education and hope for the future. Travel with Ian Nairn, PK Canada’s Missions Manager, and a band of brothers to help build a Christian school for underprivileged children, and provide them with resources for an education and faith for tomorrow.

You can create your legacy now. TEAM NICARAGUA

Feb 3-10, 2012 TEAM BELIZE

April 12-20, 2012

Visit www.PromiseKeepers.ca or contact us at info@promisekeepers.ca to learn more.

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