Spring 2016 Pipe Bomb by Pipe Dream

PIPE BOMB

LIL DICKY? YOU BET WE FOLLOWED UP PAGE 6

April Fools, 2016 | Vol. LOL, Pipe Bomb | The Other BU | scharpmind.com

Celebrating 70 Years of Being Littered on Campus.

Reports show APEs only 'vapes'

Pipe Dream sucks, says student gov.

Myth debunked, brothers found to be perfect gentlemen

Representatives call out 'tabloid' for 'slanderous' articles

Koko the Gorilla

Sid Slothington

Fraternity President

Believes in Illuminati

In a statement released to the campus community on Monday afternoon, Binghamton University’s student government announced that Pipe Dream, the student-run newspaper, sucks. “Pipe Dream is an absolute joke of a publication,” said the organization that controls over $5,000,000, almost 300 student clubs and is run by a handful of 18- to 22-year-olds. “Frankly, it is beyond belief that they have so much power and influence on-campus.” The scathing take-down was sent to all 13,412 undergraduate students, which, according to sources, is 11,000 more students than voted in the government’s most recent election. “Binghamton University has no journalism major, meaning that these ‘journalists’ are completely unqualified to do their jobs,” said the government, whose members have honed their considerable skills in hall government and club involvement. Student government reps met Friday night during their weekly masked and hooded “Eyes Wide Shut” power orgy to create their statement, as the physical act of jerking each other off amplified their sentiments. A source from within the student government, who was granted anonymity for fear of retribution, explained that the mood inside the office was “tense” after Pipe Dream revealed that the University’s transportation system, OCCT, is run by a staff that experiences almost 100 percent turnover every four years. “I think the real concern is that they don’t want students to know how much

SEE PAPER PAGE 4

superstars including Jonah Falcon, who has the largest penis in the world; Kiss frontman Gene Simmons, who has had sex with more than 4,600 women; and Mia Khalifa, PornHub’s most-searched adult actress. However, the anticipation was palpable for Stenger’s speech. When the president finally emerged onto the stage from a cloud of smoke, the crowd

Following years of malicious rumors circulating around campus, a source has confirmed that members of the fraternity Alpha Pi Epsilon (APEs) all consume tobacco through vaporizer pens. APEs “vapes,” and they do it a lot. Contrary to popular belief, the offcampus fraternity is actually full of gentlemen, who happen to vape a little more than usual. Widespread rumors depict the frat house of being full of uncouth practices due to a typo on a social media post five years ago, but the reality is that they are all actually really nice guys who never put down their e-cigs. “It was all a HUGE misunderstanding,” said Emily McClaren, a sophomore majoring in art history. “When I heard the initial rumor, you can imagine how afraid I was to go to a party there.” Members of the fraternity weren’t even aware of the false rumors, as most of their time is spent alone, vaping in their house. “Wait, WHAT did people think we did?” said Steven “Spike” Franklin, a member of the fraternity and a junior majoring in executive management. “Jesus Christ. That’s horrifying.” Many students have expressed concerns about the rumors of the house being filled with filth and the threat of being drugged or taken advantage of at one of their parties. But this is not the case. “That entire house is actually just filled with the smell of mango and apricotflavored tobacco, and you can hardly see through all the smoke,” said Dora Reed, a freshman majoring in environmental studies. “But they’re all really nice, chill guys.” Sara Jardine, a freshman majoring in

SEE XXX PAGE 2

SEE VAPES PAGE 2

Be You BU /Pipe Dream Toys BU President Harvey Stenger speaks to attendees of the 2016 TEDxxx conference. In his talk, he encouraged all students to explore their sex lives and increase their body counts to 20 by 2020

Stenger bares all at TEDxxx BU president encourages sexual exploration, expansion Monica Lewinsky Road Map Intern

Clad in leather bondage gear and wearing a cock ring to sustain his erection, Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger took the stage as keynote speaker of TEDxxx. The first annual conference brought coitus aficionados from around the world to BU to share their love for all things debauched. According to

director Manuel Ferrara, a senior majoring in men’s studies, the goal was to represent a wide variety of tastes and preferences. “There’s a lot more to sex than just fisting and ass-to-mouth,” Ferrara explained. “I want the audience to know that they can get spit-roasted by two hot twins while simultaneously wearing weighted nipple-clamps.” Throughout the afternoon, audience members enjoyed speeches from sex

Over 600 slain in hit-and-run

Drunk driver murders innocent salamanders on Connector Rd. Mr. Moseby The Tipton Hotel Manager

Hide Your Weed/The 'Chill' RA Pictured: An artist's rendering of a College-In-The-Woods dorm room, equipped with overhead lighting. President Stenger plans to update lighting fixtures in the dorms by 2025 as part of BU's path to premier.

On a night when hundreds of Binghamton University students were out enjoying the State Street bars, tragedy struck on campus. A drunk driver sped through Connector Road, killing more than 600 salamanders. Tom DeLucas, a freshman majoring in automotive-body technology, was found guilty for driving while intoxicated with a BAC of 0.23, and on 617 accounts of vehicular lizardslaughter. DeLucas was taken to the Broome County Jail where he is being held on $200,000 bail.

“This is exactly why we close the roads, to prevent accidents like this,” the University’s spokesperson said. “The University extends its deepest condolences to the salamander families of those who were injured or killed.” At least seven families of slain salamanders have come forward promising legal action against the University. While the case is still early in the legal process, it is expected that among their demands will be underground tunnels beneath Connector Road and a shipment of 60,000 grasshoppers for feeding. “My clients will not remain quietly in the forest,” said Brian Barnett, a

lawyer specializing in lizard-injury law. “This is an injustice not only to the Binghamton University salamanders, but to salamanders across the world. Is it too much to ask to want to feel safe simply crossing Connector Road?” Skittzza Amphibiana, beloved father of three and a usual in the swamp behind campus, was slain in the attack. Amphibiana’s wife, Barb, a lizard doctor in Vestal, said she believes that underage drinking has led to the tragedy. “[BU President Harvey] Stenger needs to do a better job at stopping these kids from drinking,” Barb said. “No 18-year-old freshman has a right to

SEE HIT-AND-RUN PAGE 2

College-in-the-Woods PU stalls on electricity, plumbing to get 'lit' up by 2025 Despite promises, complex puts amenities on back-burner Joe the Plumber

Ceiling lights to be installed in all CIW dorms as part of BU path to premier Bob Marley

“The University of Michigan, UCLA, Ohio State — what do they all have in common?” Stenger asked the crowd of In a continued effort to make reporters who had gathered in Onondaga Binghamton University the premier 3D. “All of these universities are ‘premier.’ public university of the 21st century, And they all have lightbulbs in the ceilings president Harvey Stenger has announced of their residential communities.” plans to finally install overhead lights in Stenger explained that he and his all College-in-the-Woods (CIW) buildings SEE #ITSLIT PAGE 4 by 2025. Nature Preserve Aficionado

"ARTS" & "CULTURE"

Demand that the SAPB bring back Sage the Gemini for a reunion performance,

See page 13

Freelance Reporter

Residents of Piazza Universidad (PU) are still waiting for management to fulfill its promise of functioning electricity and plumbing. When signing leases last year, students were told their apartments would be fully outfitted with working light fixtures, heating and functioning plumbing. While updates to the complex include round-the-clock bus shuttle service to Downtown and campus, students have yet to see working showers or toilets.

Ryan Perez, a senior majoring in public transportation management, said that while he’s grateful to have easy access to the bars, a working shower would be most useful in helping him pick up the ladies. ”It’s convenient to be able to hop on a bus and be at Tom & Marty’s in minutes,” Perez said. “But when I try to grind with a girl, the B.O. can get in the way.” After multiple changes in management over the past few months, electricity and plumbing have

See page 15

— Steven Mooning PU Physical Facilities

SEE PU PAGE 4

SOAPBOX

Shitty album review by tone-deaf sophomore,

We recommend just throwing your shit out the window, honestly

STICKS & BALLS

I’m an idiot. Read my opinion,

Ben Simmons to transfer to Binghamton and join his BFFL on Bearcats’ roster,

Jordan Reed finds a new hobby — filling out March Madness brackets — after transferring from BU,

See page 8

See page 12

See page 11

PAPER BAIT

scharpmind.com | April Fools 2016

Pres. funds Tinder with student fee Cancer study halted Student government discovers money due to lack of funding was used to cover costs of premium Shallow Throat Pipe Bomb Informant

William Luther, the student government president, announced his resignation from office on Sunday after evidence came to light that he was using government funds to pay for a Premium Tinder account. “It is with great regret that I must step down from my position as president,” he said. “I can no longer be a public figure if I am associated with allocating student funds to promote getting girls.” The story broke after members of the financial government office, FinGo, uncovered unexplainable expenses stemming from the president’s office. The connection was then made to his otherwise

I just really, really, really, really wanted to get some more action before graduation, and I can only assume this person was trying to help — William Luther Student Government President

normal and unassuming Premium Tinder account. “The $9.99/month was initially small enough to miss, since we do operate with a multimillion dollar budget,” said FinGo member Paul Bryan. “But a few months down the line ,when it had become a pattern, we decided to check it out.” When a screenshot of the profile was first uncovered, the president issued a statement claiming that the account was not his. According to him, an unknown offender had set up the account in his name. “I never have trouble meeting girls, just with sealing the deal,” he said at the time. “Anyone who has ever seen me at the bars would know. Why would I need a Tinder account, let alone a PREMIUM one?” As time passed after the discovery, students began to publicly denounce the president. Seniors in the School of Management, including all those majoring in accounting who were jealous of the president’s postgraduation position with a major consulting firm, decided it was necessary for him to step down. “How can we trust a president who is supposed to represent us, but instead spends his time and our money paying to swipe through all the women in Binghamton?” asked Alexander Kensington, IV, a senior majoring in wealth accumulation. , Luther later issued a statement saying that the account was his, but that a friend’s-brother’snephew’s-fraternity brother had switched it from free to premium and linked it to the student government’s account. Aside from that one switch, nothing else was changed on his profile. “I am currently looking for the person responsible for this attempt to liven up my sex life,” Luther said. “I just really, really,

APEs shocked to hear typo-fueled rumors VAPES FROM PAGE 1 women’s, sexuality and gender studies, reiterated this sentiment after attending one of their parties. “My friend was worried about going to one of their parties, but I went in with an open mind, drank a cup or two of punch and just danced with my friends,” Jadine said. “A guy asked me to dance and I said ‘no, thank you,’ and honestly that was it. One of the members even drove my friends and me home, just because it was getting a little late and the area isn’t safe to wait for cabs. The amount of vaping was a little excessive, but I still had a really great time.” According to a member of the fraternity, who wished to remain anonymous, as leaking this information could lead to his e-cig being taken away, they receive shipments of liquid nicotine from a secret supplier. “We all put in our orders every week,” he said. “It’s really fun choosing together flavors we should try. I suggested pineapple and the guys went with it. It turned out to be one of the best flavors yet!” The vaping epidemic is actually what led to the fraternity being kicked off-campus in the

first place. In 2012, amidst the finest hazing days Binghamton University has seen, APEs just took their pledges back to the house and gave them new pens. However, another typo led to more trouble for the fraternity. “Yeah, someone told people that we ‘haze,’ which is just what we happen to call vaping,” said Austin “Big Puff” Fanton, a junior majoring in theatre. “New members are expected to vape, but if they don’t like it, they’re still more than welcome to continue on with our initiation process.” BU’s administration issued a statement on the false accusation. “Ahh, now I see,” said Brian Flowers, an administrator at the time. “We thought it was much worse than just cigarette smoking. In fact, good for them for choosing a healthier alternative.” For many members of the frat, such as Jason “Smoke Ring” Kustos, a senior majoring in biology, being kicked off-campus is actually a blessing in disguise. “Yeah, man, it’s nice. We don’t have have to do all these bullshit frat events,” Kustos said. “We can just spend all of our time vaping and getting to know each other better.”

Ph.D. candidate stops life-saving research after BU cuts support Steven P. Jobs Died of Cancer

Photo Provided Pictured: Screenshot of Student Government President William Luther's Tinder Profile

really, really wanted to get some more action before graduation, and I can only assume that this person was trying to help me out.” After resigning, Luther also promised to pay back the $69.93 to the student government for his past seven months of premium usage. FinGo member Ryan Stendan said he also wanted Luther to pay interest directly associated to the amount of matches he received.

“It seems only fair that he pay not only the exact fee amount, but also for any way he may have profited from his fraudulent behavior,” Stendan said. “We all wanna get laid, but I wouldn’t want to have someone else’s fun on my dime.” Luther admitted to receiving no matches, blaming the prominent photo featuring his grandmother on his profile for people’s lack of interest.

Citing a lack of funding, Binghamton University Ph.D. candidate Tyler Tharp announced that he was abandoning his nearlycomplete research on a cure for cancer. Tharp, a biologist who is on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough, announced the end of his research after the University denied his request for funding to go toward inserting bio-engineered microbe robots, which target genetically modified T-cells, into cancer patients. Vice President for Research Bob Boblaw said on his law blog that due to unforeseen expenditures on the University’s rebranding, more funding was simply impossible. “What, was an additional $70 not enough?” he asked. “We’ve already given all of our graduate students, collectively, more than $100. We’re just a bit confused as to why this research couldn’t be completed in the initial funding.” Tharp said he was discouraged by the University’s lack of support, and will have to abandon his research efforts. “It would’ve been great to help millions of people suffering from cancer,” he said. “But it doesn’t seem like they’ll budge. I understand that a public university won’t be able to give money to every graduate student who requests, but it just stings knowing that my niece may die from leukemia.” Being so close to a cure for cancer didn’t deter the University from suspending Tharp’s funding, since Boblaw explained there were other possibilities. “Someone else will probably find a cure sometime soon,” Boblaw said. “We’ve gone this long without having one, so how much damage

can a few more years do?” Anna Romano, a thirdyear graduate student studying comparative literature, also expressed her discontent with the University’s support of graduate students. “I don’t understand how I’m supposed to go ‘from breadth, through depth, to perspective’ when I’m cashing bottles at Price Chopper to fund my dissertation,” she said. The new graduate students entering the University in fall 2017 will receive an all-expenses-paid apartment in the luxury student housing complex of their choice and an initial $2 million each for personal research. Boblaw said that even though some students complained about this discrepancy, it really wasn’t that bad. “Yeah the new students will be balling out, but, you know, that’s the way it goes,” he explained. “At the end of the day it’s all about increasing Binghamton’s reputation, not helping mankind.”

It's about improving Binghamton's reputation, not helping mankind — Bob Boblaw Vice President for Research

Slain

Salamanders

67%

yellow-spotted

orange

10%

14,500

mixed-color

unidentified bodies

7,900 221

number of tails that need to be regenerated

604 287 number of deaths in the March 18 massacre

green

BU number of salamanders who live in the BU Nature Preserve

21%

number of salamanders injured in the massacre

percentage of salamanders killed

.23

driver’s blood alcohol content (BAC)

number of salamanderswho cross Connector Road on a daily basis during the wintertime to commute to work or for leisure ! ing ss i M

number of salamanders who reported missing family members Sports Section Salamander/Pipe Dream Pet

BU remembers fallen salamanders HIT-AND-RUN FROM PAGE 1

road,” Furnic said. “No one told us it could end like this, and now take the life of my husband.” I have to carry the weight of our Melinda and Skittzza’s son, whole family.” Furnic Amphibiana, said that it’s Ssilliss Salassia, a salamander been hard for him to continue astronomer, was observing doing his work in light of the the stars when the car drove tragedy. through. He remains in critical “We thought we were safe condition at Our Lizard of when the University closed the Lourdes Hospital until his tail

grows back. “It was crazy, man” Salassia said. “The driver came out of nowhere. My brothers and sisters were being smashed all around me, and all I could do was watch.” Barb said that her husband Skittzza will always be remembered for his cheery

disposition, and his love of the BU Nature Preserve. “He was just crossing the street on his way to work,” she said. “This came out of nowhere, but he will live on forever in the memories we shared. Even though Skittzza is gone, I know he died in a place that he loved.”

Stenger calls for 20 sexual partners for each student by 2020 XXX FROM PAGE 1

“20 by 2020” plan. “When you look at a school went wild. like UT-Austin, where every The president circled through student gets their rocks off on his own history of hedonism, the reg, it’s hard to seriously citing his in-depth sexual compare us,” Stenger lamented. exploration while he was a student “However, if we can get students at the Massachusetts Institute of to be more sexually adventurous, Technology and Cornell University, then we can proudly call before announcing his “Road Map ourselves the Premier Public to Suck/Sex.” Stenger declared Fuckfest of the Northeast.” that he plans to raise the number After making quite a few of sexual partners each BU student “Bang for your Buck” jokes, has by graduation, calling it his Stenger zeroed in on a serious

issue that has been plaguing campus. “Look at the person on your right,” Stenger said. “Now look at the person on your left. Are either of them throbbing with sexual energy, or wet from anticipation? I don’t think so.” He explained that by providing a lube fountain in every on-campus dorm, as well as the University Downtown Center, students would always be slippery and ready to go. He

added that his next official act as president will be to lift the campus candle ban. “Look, we all know how hard it can be to stay unbelievably aroused 100 percent of the time,” he explained. ”But I’ll be damned if I go down in history as the president that let this school go flaccid.” Elena Giles, a sophomore majoring in kegels, said that she had to change several times during Stenger’s speech, as her

underwear was getting too damp. “I’ve only had sex with two guys,” Giles explained. “But after seeing how passionate the president was about me getting laid more often, I can’t wait to go out this weekend!” However, the speech didn’t please everyone. Andrew Foster, a junior “majoring” in English, said that he finished 30 seconds into the president’s speech, and had to uncomfortably sit through the rest.

“That brief moment before I blew my load was awesome,” Foster said. “But after I busted, I was kinda just sitting there wondering what I was watching. Honestly, it was pretty gross.” Stenger finished his address by reminding students that mutual consent is mandatory before any sexual contact, and that he would be happy to have any student, male or female, over at his house to show them what it looks like.

PAGE III Pipe Bomb, April Fools 2016

Address: Closet next to the 'Review' The Void Binghamton, N.Y. 13902 Phone: We only use Kik. FAx: See above.

Burst Pipe

Tumbleweed rolls past ITC

UNIVERSITY NEWS

Engineering Building to Corpse plant blooms, actual undergo construction corpse of Glenn G. Bartle found The Engineering Building will inside undergo extensive renovations Following a 39-year dormant due to the fact that it’s the period, the Binghamton fugliest building on campus. The University corpse plant bloomed construction, which is expected on Sunday morning, revealing the to last until 2060, will involve body of founding president Glenn the complete demolition of the G. Bartle. The body of Bartle current building, as it is far has remained missing since his too hideous to improve on in death in 1977, but appeared its current condition. The new in the center of the flower’s building is expected to be made blossom. The stench, according of actual bricks instead of slabs to those present in the BU of concrete, and will cost the Greenhouse, was “overwhelming” University far less than it cost and “unbearable,” causing three to initially build the “brutalist people to faint. Bartle’s decaying architecture”-style building. body was removed from the flower LOCAL NEWS and returned to his descendants, who will bury the first president of Harpur College in the Nature Cab driver accused of stuffing 60 patrons into car Preserve. Sorority announces new outfit Bill Figaro, 56, was pulled over by police after packing 60 students for fall 2017 into his cab on Saturday night. The Binghamton University Figaro was driving down Vestal chapter of Alpha Sigma Sigma Parkway East when he was pulled has unveiled its uniform for over for having tinted windows. the fall 2017 semester. Amy When the driver rolled down the McManus, the president of window, however, police said ASS and a junior majoring in they couldn’t tell where one mathematics, said that all sisters body started and another ended. of ASS will be required to wear Patrons exited the cab and were Lululemon leggings, white placed in 15 separate cars back to Keds, an oversized flannel and a campus and Figaro was brought brown or olive-green quilted vest. to the Broome County Jail. The Middle-parts, as well as black car, which is only supposed to choker necklaces, were “strongly hold five passengers, was also suggested” but not mandatory. found to contain vomit and empty McManus said that the guidelines beer cans. Figaro’s profit of $240 are meant to tighten ASS as a will be donated to the Vestal Driving School. whole and promote sisterhood.

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Spring 2016 TyrAnT-in-chieF* Tell Me I'm Pretty mustache@4th.grade Three MoniTors* I Hate Scissors hoisted@nyumedical.edu AlWAys Tired* Tims 'n Crop Tops dubie@austin.tx We Go ouT on ThursdAys Sodexo Union Rep Beers, Bitches and Bonfires Pugs and Drugs never here* Dowd's Second Husband ijustneed@3morehours.toheadline PoPulAr kid cAMe To My PArTy* Frequent Meltdowns facetiming@brianallan.bae sex* Surprisingly Sober filloutyourbracket@sports.sports

Dr. Seuss/Pipe Dream Photographer Tumbleweed rolls in front of ITC : Physical Facilities was called to sweep up a tumbleweed that was seen rolling outside of the Innovative Technologies Complex (ITC) on Friday. The tumbleweed moved around the building before finally being spotted by a student who wandered toward the building thinking it was Science 4. Physical Facilities appeared hours later — apparently getting lost on the way — and removed the tumbleweed. It is unclear where the plant came from, and an investigation is underway.

leAve beFore 11 #1 Ranked PD Boy Go Home, You're Drunk. 4 AssisTAnTs lATer* I need a goddamn list marxism@aspergers.org oFFice TruTher Behemoth Assistant PiPe boMb eic* Can we just call it Fuck Page? pleasefireme@angst.net

FREEZE! I'M A COP R(isque)-A FRIDAY, Mar. 18, 9:30 a.m. — Officers reported to Seneca Hall in College-in-the-Woods on Friday morning after multiple reports of vandalism. Upon entering they found several penises drawn on the wall in the hallway. After conducting a thorough investigation, officers realized that they weren’t, in fact, penises, but that the resident assistant on the floor had attempted to draw flowers as part of her monthly information board. Officers advised that next time she take her mind out of the gutter. Movie Masterfail SATURDAY, Mar. 19, 4:47 p.m. — Officers responded late Saturday afternoon to an emergency call from the Nature Preserve. Officer Thomas Glass was first on the scene. A student was wrapped tightly to sticks, said Glass. A stuffed bear was found some yards away from the student, ketchup spewed around it and a steak knife in its back. The student was incoherent and spoke in only angry grunts and mumbles. After further investigation, it was found that the student was attempting to recreate the award-winning movie The Revenant. Shit Happens SATURDAY, Mar. 19, 8:12 p.m. — A student reported to UPD that his car was the casualty of a hit-and-run, Investigator Bobson said. Upon

Rot in hell, criminal scum Scoopy Scoop

Police Stalker

entering the crime scene, officers discovered that it was just a large bird shit on the hood of the car. They guessed that a sparrow committed the crime, but couldn’t be certain. After a survey of the sky, no suspect could be found. Officers advised that the victim contact the police sooner next time. Weed Wacker SUNDAY, Mar. 20, 2:37 a.m. — Officers reported to Roosevelt Hall in Hinman College after a report of a strong smell of oregano from a resident’s dorm room, said Investigator Jim Bobson of Binghamton’s New York State University Police. Upon entering the room, officers found multiple Ziploc bags containing the crumbled leaves. Due to the large number of bags, it was determined that the student had intent to distribute, and was arrested. The oregano was confiscated, although Investigator Bobson would not say where they took it. Throwin’ Hundreds SUNDAY, Mar. 20, 2:54 p.m. — Officers reported to Appalachian Dining Hall on Sunday afternoon after a student reported a theft. “I left a clean, crisp $100 bill on the table while I went to class,” the student said. Upon returning, the money was gone, and the student couldn’t understand how anyone could have stolen his property. Officers told him they would keep their eyes out for the money, and advised him that he should do the same.

PreTTy PicTure MAker* Mrs. Linitz idontfind@typos.com QuieT corner Won't Tell Jokes Tolerates Odeya Somehow i hATe everyThinG* I Will Fuck You Up gofuckyourself@nihilist.memes liTerAlly shAnk Me Follow My Insta 50 shAdes oF TherMAls* I Forgot to Eat Today goodjobtoday@isleephere.247 deFiniTely hATes us Never Done Hazing scruM MAsTer* God stillfixesshit@clocktower.biz don'T reAd ediToriAl Fuck Page Assistant dAddy* Mouth Full of Meat defer@adulthood.pwc rAcks on rAcks on rAcks One and Done fuckyouejay@syracuse.edu Pipe Bomb is published by a group of people who have nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon. *Positions denoted by an asterisk signify individuals who have no sense of self-worth. Pipe Bomb is published once a year, because we spend the rest of the year fucking like crazy. Pipe Bomb accepts stimulating, original guest columns from undergraduate students, graduate students and faculty. However, we usually just get shitty opinion columns. Submissions must include the writer’s name, blood type, Social Security number, body count, deepest insecurities, phone number and year of graduation or expected year of graduation. Graduate students and faculty members are way too old for this shit. Like, actually, why do you want to be published here? Anonymous submissions will not be published, but we'll laugh at them anyway. Any facts referenced must be properly backed up with angry opinions. Pipe Bomb reserves the right to be the funniest goddamn April Fools paper you've ever read in your sorry, no-good, worthless life. Look at the mirror. Look at how little you are. You're nothing. Laugh at that.

stabilizing: beer

hangovers :destabilizing

PAPER BAIT

scharpmind.com | April Fools 2016

PU says lights, toilets Pipe Dream accused of shitty reporting will work in 5 years PAPER FROM PAGE 1

PU FROM PAGE 1

7 a.m.-6 p.m. on Binghamton’s five sunny days of the year, and lost priority, according to PU students can go fuck themselves manager Sam Garry. He said otherwise. after the overwhelming amount “We are confident that the of petition signatures and daily solar energy in Binghamton office calls, implementing the will be adequate for the needs of Downtown bus was necessary. students at PU,” he said. “And if Because of this, he said, other students feel like they are lacking improvements to the apartments in vitamin D, they can just head have been put on hold. down to State Street or open up “We’re looking at a five-year Tinder to see if anyone is willing delay on new pipes and electrical to help them with that problem.” lines,” Garry said. “Most of the facility’s funds went to purchasing the buses students so badly wanted, so we hope they understand that in order to satisfy their requests, some things needed to go on the back burner.” During the week, students can take the PU shuttle bus to the Chenango River for a quick bath. PU has even started supplying students with hotel-sized bars of soap for this purpose. But according to Brandy Sez, a junior majoring in environmental science, the buses do not come frequently enough. “We finally got the buses, which is great,” Sez said. “But they only come once every five hours, so the lines are long and the passengers just smell gross.” Steven Mooning, the director of physical facilities at PU, said that due to the lack of working plumbing, alternate solutions should be explored. “Yeah, we recommend just throwing your shit out the window, honestly,” Mooning said. “These pipes aren’t going to be functional until at least — Sam Garry 2020, so our advice is to just go PU Manager in a bucket and toss it out the window.” Garry said that residents’ rooms will be sufficiently lit from

power they actually have,” the source said after performing a Scrooge McDuck-esque dive into a pile of gold coins. “It’s bananas.” Tyler Altman, a senior majoring in botany, is a government representative responsible for granting vouchers for student groups. He criticized Pipe Dream for not being sufficiently informed about

how the government works. “They don’t understand this enough to be able to criticize it,” he said, while taking nearly a two weeks to approve the Frisbee Club’s request for permission to spend $30. The government’s criticism of Pipe Dream grew harsher after it called coverage of a student arrest “slanderous” and “sensationalist,” despite the fact that the arrest was initially publicized by local police.

“They’ve basically a complete tabloid,” the government said. “They are just taking things that happened and printing them without consulting us first. As the representatives of students at this University, we want to look good.” According to a representative from the student government, Pipe Dream should cater to their needs since otherwise it looks bad on their resumes. “How are we supposed to get

If students feel they're lacking in vitamin D, they can just head down to State St. or open up Tinder to see if anyone is willing to help them with that problem

good jobs after college when Pipe Dream criticizes us once in a while?” the government said. “We are all here because we want jobs, and the University’s main source of media should respect that and stay out of our business.” At press time, members of the student government were conferring to assure each other that they were “super duper powerful” and “nothing can get in our way.”

Literally don't care/Pipe Dream Office Dog Pictured: a dorm room in CIW with shitty overhead lighting

Overhead lights in CIW planned for 2025 #ITSLIT FROM PAGE 1 advisers had considered a number of other projects — including a 10,000-square-foot addition to the East Gym and the construction of an ice rink so that the coldweather University could finally have a hockey team — but decided that lights in CIW were the most pressing concern. “Look, we could have either brought an awesome sport to BU, or we could have brought awesome light bulbs,” Stenger explained. “It was a no-brainer.” Stenger elaborated on the project, titled “It’s Gonna Be Lit.” A search committee consisting of faculty, professors and students was assembled in the fall of 2013 to choose the lightbulbs. Jon Driver, a professor of electrical networks and chair of the search committee, said that after three years of deliberation

and research, 100 Utilitech Pro 16.5Watt (100W Equivalent) 3000K A23 Medium Base (E-26) Dimmable Warm White Indoor LED Bulbs were purchased from Lowe’s for $9.98 each, with 100 more to be acquired each year until 2025. “We really went all out with these bulbs,” Driver said. “We could’ve went for the Bright White Dimmable, but we felt the Warm White Indoor would really create the ambiance our students have been looking for.” The entire effort will cost the University around $9,000. Stenger said that although the cost may seem excessive, it’s necessary for the University to evolve. “All things considered, it’s a pretty hefty cost,” he said. “But it’s a small price to pay to avoid the lawsuits from people tripping in the dark.” Students in attendance

expressed their satisfaction with the announcement, saying that they hoped the mocking from their friends in Dickinson Community, Mountainview College and Newing College would finally decrease. “Think about how good my Snapchats will look,” said Kate Lombardo, a junior majoring in photography. “Usually I have to put the dog filter to compensate for the bad lighting, so this is a real gamechanger.” In 2025, when all bulbs are finally in place, Driver said they will begin to convert CIW into an automatic lighting system similar to the Dickinson rooms — a project that is estimated to be completed by 2040. “It is my sincere hope that this revolutionary project will create a ‘bright’ future for this university,” Stenger said, eliciting groans from the crowd.

When one reporter pointed out that Hinman College also does not have overhead lights, the president’s face went white and he sprinted out of the room.

Look, we could have either brought an awesome sport to BU, or we could have brought awesome light bulbs — Harvey Stenger BU President

Pre-Veterinary Society Weekly meetings: Mondays at 8pm in the New Union Room 324. Any and all are welcome, especially animal lovers and pre-vet students!

"ARTS" & "CULTURE"

JT's to host a new 'Over 21' night Real bouncers will be hired for the occasion Bob Woodward You should know who he is

From Wine Wednesday to Taco Tuesday, Downtown bars are no stranger to quirky theme nights. However, JT’s on State Street has sent shock waves through the community with “Over 21 Thursdays.” The event will be held on the first Thursday of every month, and will feature drink specials, a reduced cover charge and a real-life bouncer who actually looks at the date of birth on identification cards. Owner and bartender Adam Rubin said he came up with the idea to appeal to a larger demographic and dispel rumors that the letters in the bar’s name actually stood for “Just Toddlers.” Rubin says that he’s excited to get a new crowd on State Street. “I’ve been in the underage business for a long time, and though this is a huge risk, I think it’s something we should look into,” he said. “Serving underage kids is really lucrative, but sometimes it’s nice to look back, relax and see that everyone in your crowd has a somewhat-fully-developed brain.” Rubin said the drink specials will include beer that isn’t Natty Lite and

mixed drinks that actually contain more than a drip of a different type or liquor that you asked for. He also expressed excitement at the possibility that the bathrooms would not be covered in vomit because those that are over 21 would not have just began drinking a semester ago upon their arrival at college, and therefore be able to better hold their liquor. “These kids just really don’t know how to drink,” he said. “I don’t know what they’re teaching up at BU, but it’s not how to pace yourself. Four fishbowls in an hour just isn’t going to end well.” Freshman Rebecca Kushner, who is majoring in Nordic studies, said she thought the change was discriminatory. “A bar can’t just deny me entry because of my age,” she said. “That’s ageism. Everybody knows JT’s is the Thursday night go-to. Where else am I supposed to get wasted and text my ex-boyfriend before sobbing in a cab?” Though Rubin said he was optimistic about the success, others were not so sure. Sam Abraham, a senior majoring in interpretive dance, said he wasn’t convinced. “I only go there because those freshmen girls are looking to hook

Pictured: A group of adults in Tom & Marty's over the summer. JT's is looking to attract a similar crowd.

up with the first guy in sight, probably,” he said. “They’re trying to rebel and sort through their daddy issues. I can help with that.” JT’s bartender James Madison also said he was looking forward to

the change. “I’m going to have to ring the tip bell every five seconds,” he said. “The only reason we have it there now is for novelty — underage kids don’t tip because they don’t

Mayor Rich David/Pipe Bomb Photographer

understand what it’s like to work for your money.” Kenny Harris, also known as DJ $wiperight, did express some concern on how this will affect his nightly playlist.

“I think I might need to do some research on John Mayer now,” said Harris. “I don’t think I’ll be able to get away with playing ‘Jordan Belfort’ 10 times in a row anymore.”

The. Best. Deer. Ever.

Definitive ranking of Southern Tier deer Cull-en Dearest Big Game Hunter Deer are, without a doubt, the best animal in the world. We wait our whole lives to go to the Nature Preserve and meet all kinds of deer. This is college; don’t just hang out with the same deer you did in the forest behind your high school. College is the time to find out who you are and what you want from your life. From white-tailed deer to the kind that ate your mom’s fucking garden gnomes, we’ve got it all. Here are the different types of four-legged friends you are sure to come by on any given walk through the Preserve. The one with the four spots behind its left ear As far as deer go, this one is pretty good. Definitely not the best, but good enough to make our list. This deer has four white spots on its head AND an extra white spot on its left front hoof. His beige fur slowly blends into the white of the dots, and we don’t know why, but we really like it. Listen, if you go into the Nature Preserve and you

only run into this deer, that kind of stinks, but if you run into a few more plus this one, that’s awesome. The one with the long stripe across its side. This deer is cool, calm, collected and confident as heck. She came into the Nature Preserve as a freshman knowing just what she wanted out of the college experience, and she’s going to get it no matter what. Her long strip was a bold choice, as is the 1990s stretchy choker necklace she sometimes wears out. The one that definitely said something when I wasn’t really paying attention. This deer definitely spoke to me. Like I know he said something, and nobody believes me. Whatever. Honestly, this deer is on the list because I need everyone to see him so I know I’m not going crazy. I’m pretty sure he said the words “mein bowl.” I don’t know anymore. Is any of this real? Terry Ugh, Terry is such a great deer. A real stand-up deer, you know? This one time, I didn’t have my homework on time, and he totally

got me the answers before class. He really didn’t need to do that, and he’s already on probation so it was totally a risk but he’s just that kind of guy. The one that made me believe in God again It’s hard to find someone who can bring you back to the Lord, but this deer gave me the tools to get my life back on track. I’m volunteering more and I call my mom now. This deer really turned my life around. The one that saved my dad from drowning Listen, I didn’t even know deer could swim, but when my dad lost his balance in the Nature Preserve pond, this deer really came to the rescue. This deer used his four skinny legs to pull out my fat, coughing, choking dad from the dark abyss. Very nice of him. The one that I call “Daddy” This one’s a real hunk. Sure, we don’t talk too much, but our chemistry is through the roof — or should I say hoof? He doesn’t really respond, but it’s fine. Playing hard to get. I get it. The chill one This deer totally warned me when the police were coming my way in the Nature Preserve. He pretty much chased me over the bridge to get me to safety. Afterward he hung around and took a few hits. Total bro. The one who you’ll keep swiping left on You’ll literally pass this deer so many times on Tinder, and you’ll never find him cute or furry enough, so why isn’t he off your radar yet? Ugh. Gross.

This is college; don’t just hang out with the same deer you did in the forest behind your high school Elmer Fudd/Deer Hunter Marcus, one of the deer in the Nature Preserve. He is known for his funny Twitter account.

Official Broadway Photographer/That's a Thing, Right?

Mainstage to ruin 'Hamilton' Theatre dept. out of its goddamn mind Super Woke Kid Theatre? I Barely Know 'Er! After much deliberation from Musical Theatre International, the Binghamton University theatre department has been chosen to perform the first licensed college production of the smash-hit musical “Hamilton.” The original Broadway production, written by and starring Lin-Manuel Miranda, features a cast that is almost exclusively composed of people of color. Though the story is a historical account of Alexander Hamilton and his experiences, Miranda felt many people of color would identify with Hamilton’s story, which involved immigrating to the United States from the Caribbean Islands and working his way up in the political world. The theatre department is keeping the show’s original casting in mind, ensuring that the actors chosen for the show aren’t the whitest students BU’s theatre department has to offer. “We’ve been given this great opportunity to show the world

that Binghamton has an actually decent theatre department,” said professor Isabel Hacht, the chair of the theatre department and director of the production. “We’d love to do it justice. However, given that in the past four shows we’ve done, only one actor hasn’t been white, we’re really not sure how much we can do about politically correct casting.” Sam Bennett, who is 1/16 Native American and a sophomore majoring in theatre, has been cast as the titular character. “I honestly can’t believe that I’ve been given this incredible honor,” Bennett said as he scrolled through his Coldplay playlist. “Though I’m not the most qualified person for the role, I’m sure I’m slightly less pasty than the other boys called back for the role.” Regardless of Bennett’s doubts, he did discuss his intense relationship to the character he’ll portray onstage. “I really identify with the struggles that [Lin-Manuel Miranda] is trying to address with his musical,” Bennett said.

“Like, I think my great-greatgrandparents must have felt like they were disadvantaged, or whatever, in the United States because of their EasternEuropean accents.” The department says that in an effort to diversify, they have opened up the casting to white students studying minorityrelated fields. “Unlike the actors of the original Broadway cast, no one’s ever told me that I couldn’t play a part in a show based on my ethnicity,” said Hayley Mansky, who has been cast as Angelica Schuyler and is a junior majoring in Africana studies. “So I wasn’t surprised when I got such a great part in the musical.” Though the BU theatre department has shown excitement over being the first theatre group to perform the show outside of Manhattan, they expressed deep disappointment over having to reorganize their season. Their staging of “The Wiz,” which was previously slated for the 2016-17 season, will now be pushed to the next academic year.

"ARTS" & "CULTURE"

scharpmind.com | April Fools 2016

Lil Dicky says 'Fuck You' to Bing

Rapper not coming for Spring Fling concert Mark Richardson Pitchfork Media

In a recent blog post on his website, artist Lil Dicky announced that he was incredibly excited to tell all of Binghamton University to go fuck itself. The rapper/comedian, whose real name is David Burd and who is best known for his song “$ave Dat Money,” plans to totally screw Binghamton University over as a part of his “(Still) Looking For Love” tour. He wrote that he thinks that Binghamton “sucks dick” and is super excited to see how students will react to his complete disregard for their welfare. The Philadelphia-born rapper will instead be performing in cities such as Easton, Pennyslvania; Phoenix, Arizona; and — get this — Athens, Ohio. “There is truly nowhere on God’s green earth where I would want to perform less than at Binghamton University,” Dicky wrote. “I’d rather do a private concert for Bashar alAssad than go to that god-awful state school.” According to Bernie Mach, vice president of programming for the Student Association, Dicky was the most popular option on the Spring

Fling survey, with 30 percent of students choosing “Like it!,” 49 percent choosing “Love it,” and 21 percent choosing the option that was a series of inscrutable emojis. “We’re really excited that he’s even giving us any attention, you know,” said Mach, a senior majoring in Bar Mitzvah planning. “Lil Dicky did really well in the polls, so we did everything we could to make him a prominent part of how we disappoint students this year.” Students are hoping that Lil Dicky will deliver on his promise. One fan, Malcolm Mitchell, says that Dicky is halfway there. “I was so excited when I first thought he was coming,” said Mitchell, a sophomore majoring in chest and bi’s. “Now he just needs to get my hopes up one more time and then send them crashing down.” Other students were less than pleased with Dicky’s let down, as let downs in the past have been much more severe. “At least Sage the Gemini committed to being a complete Rapper/Comedian Lil Dicky, who plans on dragging his sweaty balls all over this issue. fucking asshole,” said Tim Kalpakis, a junior majoring in integrative like a half of a song.” come to BU just to be complete neuroscience. “Sage pretty much “It was awesome,” Kalpakis dicks, which include Sage and How took a dump on stage while dancing added. to Dress Well. to music that wasn’t even his. Or Dicky would have joined a “When I went to Binghamton when he did do his music, he’d do storied tradition of acts that have I drunkenly rambled and insulted

Big Dicky/Brother

my opener, who is probably a super nice guy,” Dress Well said. “I’ve never felt so powerful. Which is important, because I’m such a little person.”

Students were put to ease when they were reminded that nothing, literally nothing, could have been worse than Yellowcard trying their best.

Lost Dog's lost dog is found, eatery closes

Restaurant shuts doors after its owners happily reunite with 24-year-old pooch

Dog Catcher/Pipe Bomb Photographer

Caesar Milan/Rachael Ray survived on eating abandoned Dog Whisperer/Chef Pasquale’s pizza and the remains of regrettable Binghamton Hots In a devastating blow to purchases. sorority girls across campus, “We’re so happy to have our Downtown institution Lost little darling pup back home Dog Cafe has shut its doors for with us,” said Sharlene, the good after finally finding the owner of the downtown eatery. restaurant’s namesake, Clarese. “And we’d like to thank all those The Water Street eatery who have worked so hard to find opened in 1994 as the her, though it somehow took headquarters of the national over 20 years and she was two search for the two-and-a-half blocks away.” pound Chihuahua. The owners The news of her return was described Clarese as a “part of the not met with the same level family” and, to their count, have of excitement on campus. funneled over $2 million into the Julie Yarmouth, a sophomore effort. But much of it has gone majoring in theatre, said she toward feeding the people who burst into tears upon hearing have pledged their support to the the news. search for the missing pooch. “Where else am I supposed “Uh, yeah, we’re about to go to bring my parents when they look for a dog,” said patron Katie come to visit?” she blubbered. “I Kaminsky in between mouthfuls can’t bring them to The Colonial, of penne alla vodka. “But not I hooked up with the bartender until this entire bowl of pasta is there last weekend and they inside of me.” think I’m a virgin. They also Clarese, who is, improbably, still think I’m a physics major. 24 years old, was found wandering I should probably be more open the banks of the Chenango River. with them.” Police speculate that she has Paul Klemper, a senior

majoring in accounting, said he needed to find a new location to wine-and-dine romantic interests. “You take a girl to Lost Dog and her panties just drop,” he said. “Maybe it’s the Andy Warhol thing they have going on on the walls, maybe it’s the two-hour wait time even on Wednesday afternoons. Either way, it works.” However, fellow Binghamton restaurant owner Andrea Holloway said maybe the shuttering will inspire students to go to any other goddamn restaurant, like her own, Chatterbox. “I don’t get it,” she said. “Lost Dog’s food isn’t even that spectacular and it’s the only restaurant people go to. It’s number one on Yelp in the area. Don’t people get tired of that penne?” At press time, the Interfraternity Council announced a candlelight vigil in front of the Pegasus Statue to mourn the closing.

Late Nite to offer 'take a punch' workshops

After recent attacks Downtown, it's just better to learn how to get socked in the face Black-Eyed Peas Officer Ours

Late Nite Binghamton will be spicing up its weekend fun starting next month, with a new “How to Take a Punch” class being offered for free to all attending students in light of recent instances of assault in Downtown Binghamton. The class will take place every Friday and Saturday night in between rounds of Jenga. Inspiration for these sessions came after two students, who had just finished a wild night of watching “Despicable Me 2,” were scared of getting their asses kicked Downtown. “Students need this class,” said Keith Richmond, a senior majoring in Snapple Facts and the guy who is in charge of setting up Dance Dance Revolution at Late Nite. “We were afraid that they wouldn’t want to step away from their shrinky-dink making, but after the incidents of the past few weeks, it’s pretty necessary.” Students will learn how to get punched in the face with grace, how to play possum after the fact and will even get to make their own DIY first-aid kit.

“Yeah, we kind of gave up on teaching them to fight back,” said UPD member Officer Yours, who will be teaching the class. “We’d have had to condition them since high school for that shit.” The officers who led the workshop reminded students that there is no defense against a cracked-out maniac, who would probably be their assailant. “The best defense is no offense or defense at all,” Officer Yours instructed. “Just take the hit and hand them your decoy phone.” Students seem less than excited for the workshop, although it is essential if they want to venture to Downtown Binghamton. “I don’t want to take this class, but my mom is making me,” said Johnny Blair, a freshman majoring in getting wedgies. “My mom is so cool. We’re like best friends. I call her every day. Do you want to see a picture?” Other students had an optimistic view of the workshop. “I’m kind of excited, to be honest,” said Daniel Johnson, a senior who wasted his college experience. “Finally I’ll be able to go ahead and get the shit kicked out of me on my own terms.”

Loren Weiss/Bully, Photographer

WEAKENED SPRING 2016

7 I Really Don't Care/Wedding Photographer

WARRIORS

Our awful editor-in-chief made Pipe Bomb production on Sunday morning, thinking it would be a fun day-drinking kind of thing. Anyway, here we all are, hungover and out of gas to write this issue. Make sure to go up to one of these people and tell them that all their effort was worth it and Pipe Bomb is unbelievably funny.

SOAPBOX Pipe Bomb, April Fools 2016

WE DESERVE THIS We’ve all been there. That dreaded moment when the most convenient parking spot in College-in-theWoods is taken and you need to park in M Lot — a grueling, seven-minute walk away from the Lecture Hall. It’s absolutely disgusting that this University’s administration expects its students to endure this one-man Iditarod through hell just to get to class. Half the time, students just say “fuck it,” skip class and go home. This is why the Pipe Bomb Editorial Board has come up with a simple solution: let students park in the Lecture Hall. “That’s genius!” we imagine you’re exclaiming. “Why wasn’t

this done when the Lecture Hall was first built?” This is a valid question. And the truth is that we don’t know the answer to it. This campus must have been designed by a real masochistic piece of shit who didn’t understand that *some of us* have better stuff to do than walk from the parking lot to our classes. And by some of us, we really mean everyone. Who in this world has seven full minutes to

trek to class? If we want to wake up 20 minutes before class starts and stumble through the door right on time, it’s our God-given right. And before you take this the wrong way, let us specify: these spots should only be available to students who actually have class in the Lecture Hall. It wouldn’t be fair for someone to take a precious, precious parking spot in a prime campus location without

it being a matter of life-and-mildinconvenience. Each student with a class in the Lecture Hall will get a pass to scan into the building with their car and be able to park in Lecture Hall 1 or 2. The University should just cancel all the classes in those lecture halls for our convenience — nobody goes to their 300-student lecture anyway. Look, President Stenger can talk about how — TECHNICALLY

— there are more than enough parking spots on campus until he’s blue in the face, but we’ll just refuse to listen. The fact of the matter is this: Unless we can literally roll out of bed into our cars and drive straight into our Brit Lit II lecture, there is simply no point in going to class. The whole “there-are-plenty-of-spotsjust-not-where-you-want-them” schtick isn’t going to fly anymore. We aren’t paying a tremendously

low price for a quality college education just to be forced to walk to class like migrant farmworkers. Did Moses make the Jews swim across the Red Sea to escape the Pharaoh? No! He parted the sea and let them comfortably walk across. Be our Moses, President Stenger. Part the proverbial Red Sea (i.e. shorten any sort of walk from our cars to class) and make all our lives easier.

Views expressed on the Soapbox page probably shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like, actually, it's the April Fools issue — relax once in a while. The only piece which represents the views of the Pipe Bomb Editorial Board is the Staff Editorial, above. Definitely take that one seriously.

Enjoy the cum on your face I studied abroad, You should be proud of the money shot dripping down your chin I'm still a dick Maria Khalifa

I went to a foreign country because I'm important and cool Me Eat. Pray. Love.

While I was in Rome, I fucked three different Italian guys and ate some pasta. It changed me. Before I went to Rome, I had only ever eaten American pasta and fucked American guys, but now I’m a person of the world. I have culture. I have perspective. I can say “hello” and “goodbye” in both English and Italian now. How many people can say that? Speaking of English, don’t worry about the language barrier, because literally everyone speaks English. There’s absolutely no reason to have a thoughtful moment of clarity through immersing yourself in another culture when it seems like everyone in every country bends over backward to make you feel welcome. Of course they should, because I’m the center of the universe. It’s unsettling then, why no one wants to sit down and listen to me talk about myself for a really long period of time — and a lot of my friends, who had their worldview shallowly expanded over the break, agree with me. MEEEEEE. Now I’m back in Binghamton, and I have to say that everything about me is changed. When I first came here, I came with little to talk about. But now, I can sit down with people from all around the world and make myself the center of everyone’s universe, because I have to, right? Isn’t that why I exist? Why do we even exist? Am I important? Yeah. Yeah, I’m important.

Guys, I went to Rome the last semester and I have to say it completely changed me. I’ll be the first to admit, when I first went abroad, I had no idea how closed my mind was to other cultures. Luckily, the only thing that didn’t change is that I still only talk about myself. Me! Me? Me. That’s right, no matter where you are in the world, it’s always important to shallowly let people know how much perspective you’ve gained from going abroad. Seriously, you don’t understand until you actually GO there. And then, when you come back home, you have so much more about yourself to talk about. The first reason why it’s important to go abroad is because yeah, we’re in college, and supposedly independent, but you aren’t really independent until your parents pay for a flight across the Atlantic, and then give you some money to cover tuition abroad, and a few thousand dollars for you to have enough food for the next few months, and then give you some money so you can go and have fun, because sure, other cultures are awesome, but sometimes you just need to let loose and go to a bar like in America. The second reason why it’s important to study abroad is because you need to get cultured. You literally cannot fathom how —I'm a junior majoring in important being cultured is. finding myself

Cum Slut

“What’s that on your face?” my mom asked me as we drove to my grandparents’ house for a family reunion this weekend, pointing to the fresh cum streaks running down my cheeks. “Do you want to wash that off before we get to Grandma’s house?” she asked, nervously alternating her glance from the road ahead of her to my obviously hungover, cum-drenched face. “No, I don’t care,” I replied. My mom’s eyes widened in horror. I was being honest — I didn’t care. I don’t understand why having loads of sticky, salty cum running down your cheeks and

dripping off your chin is something to be embarrassed by. The cum-onyour-face culture at Binghamton University is haunted by taboo. While many of you bitches are more than willing to have some guy’s money shot on your face, your morning-after selves cringe at the sight of dried semen tightening up your pores. Don’t get me wrong — I think there are circumstances where having cum on your face is inappropriate. Maybe you don’t want to show up to your 8:30 a.m. orgo lecture with a facial, and maybe you shouldn’t go to that job interview looking like Stoya after Manuel Ferrara spurted a load all over her porcelain skin. You know what, I take that back. Who cares if having cum on your face is inappropriate? Literally who gives a fuck. We should all be walking

down the Spine, asking for a facefull of splooge. You know what I’m not down with? The gendered connotations of cum-on-your-face culture. Who says guys can’t also walk around with a hot load dripping down their faces and making their beards crusty? I support equality between the sexes, and I think it’s only fair that we erase the inherent bias over who gets to soak in the glory of a money shot. I’m the kind of girl who owns having cum all over her face. I’m the one who walks around campus and doesn’t cringe when a drop of cum lands in her Jazzman’s iced coffee. I think having cum on your face should be a source of pride, a message to the BU community that says, “Hey, some dude jerked himself off all over my face last night, and then again this morning,

and then again at the Murray/Leroy stop while waiting for the DCL.” I encourage each and every one of you to go up to that cute guy you’ve been eyeing for months, look him square in the eye and beg him to cum all over your face. Literally beg him. You know you want to. — Maria Khalifa is a freshman majorining in women's, gender and sexuality studies

We should all be walking down the Spine, asking for a face-full of splooge

Who cares? I love being an idiot

Learning is fucking bullshit; being a moron is totally the way to go Chad Meyer

Trapped in the Closet

I’m an idiot. But this is the Soapbox section, and I’ve decided that even though I’m an idiot, I’m so important that my opinion needs to be shoved down everyone’s throat. So fuck you, here’s my opinion. In the current econosociopolitical landscape but also since the dawn of very time itself, humans have pushed themselves to be smarter. People have funneled years and thousands of dollars into making themselves more “intelligent,” claiming it serves to better humanity and eventually allow us to transcend

reality and become pulsating orbs of light. I’m here to say: fuck that shit. Or am I? I have no fucking clue, but I can do whatever I want for 200 words because they’ll publish me. I’m here to argue that when we as people enter these buildings of being people who are learnings, we check our ability to be our true selves at the door. Opening a book is like opening a door in your mind, in which you’re true, pure self just goes out the door. What’s wrong with thinking the world is flat? Why can’t I say a racist slur, when minorities can say it? Why can girls make out with each other and be bisexual but when I make out with a guy I’m just a huge homo? Why don’t people realize that women CHOOSE jobs that pay 77 cents for every dollar a guy

makes? Yeah maybe I’m an idiot. But guess what, I’ve been practicing spewing shit on my Facebook since 2008 and forcing everyone to read it, so, again, fuck you. I am God. Selectively choosing what to believe and what not to believe has been a pillar of my family’s heritage, ever since they came over from Eastern Europe and settled in Suffolk County. For example, I believe that I was just making fun of gay people when I made out with my friend Brian, so that’s exactly what happened, so fuck you if you think differently. That’s my opinion. Ask Brian, it was not only hilarious, but well within my First Amendment right. It’s just how things work and especially since it benefits me, I’m going to practice it. And guess what? You have to

read the rest of this article. And I don’t want hippies shoving their bullshit down my throat, either. It’s bad enough that I have to take a pluralism class about Native American literature. Why would I ever care about that? Me and Brian were talking about it last night before we went to sleep, and we both think it’s fucking dumb. The closest thing I want to come to Native Americans is hot chicks at Electric Zoo wearing Indian headdresses. How will reading about other cultures help me get ass Downtown otherwise? I already have a job at PwC. I don’t have time for this, especially now that the race for frat president is kicking off. — Chad Smith is a senior majoring in SOM

SOAPBOX

April Fools 2016 | scharpmind.com

Letter to the Editor: Steve/Bucky is everything There is nothing more beautiful and pure on this planet than the love between Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes Stucky Trash

Tumblr User

It has come to my attention that there is a serious problem within the Binghamton University community regarding the nature of the relationship between Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes in the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s “Captain America” franchise. Make no mistake: Steve/Bucky is fucking real. Now I know a lot of readers are probably sitting there, looking at this newspaper, thinking, “Oh fuck,

don’t make this gay, not everything has to be gay.” Well tough shit, heteros. Steve and Bucky are gay. Deal with it. Those hot, musclebound men have loved each other since the dawn of time, and no straight white male exec at Disney is gonna tell my fat, slash-fanfictionreading ass otherwise. Do you want proof? I’ve literally seen “Captain America: the Winter Soldier” (CATWS) 25 times. I’ve seen “Captain America: the First Avenger” (CATFA) a solid 15 times, because it’s not as good and it’s more sad and also I prefer Bucky with his Winter Soldier hair. Those flowing locks get me wet like a Binghamton downpour. Anyway, my point is

that I have watched these goddamn movies enough to know what I’m talking about, and what I’m talking about is the irrefutable fact that Steve and Bucky are in love with each other. I also spend about five hours a day reading explicit-rated fanfiction on Archive of Our Own. My first piece of evidence is the scene in CATFA where Steve breaks Bucky out of a Hydra facility in Austria. OK, for one, I wouldn’t break anyone out of an Austrian anything unless we were fuck buddies. Like, I’m not putting that kind of effort in for anyone who isn’t going to give me a happy ending after I save their doomed ass. Now, after Steve saves Bucky

and they’re trying to get out of the burning Hydra facility, Steve shouts “Go on! Get out of here!” in an attempt to save Bucky’s life. Bucky shouts back, “No! Not without you!” This “No! Not without you!” line is directly lifted from a scene in “Titanic,” where Jack tells Rose to get on a lifeboat and she says, “No, not without you.” Coincidence? Of course not. Like Jack and Rose, Steve and Bucky are pretty, doomed and in love. You know the bank vault scene in CATWS where Bucky seemingly says about Steve, “But I knew him?” This is a common misconception. Bucky is actually saying, “But I blew him.” That’s right. Bucky sucked

Steve off, multiple times, definitely in their apartment in Brooklyn in the ’30s, and definitely in some tent in Europe during World War II. That’s why Alexander Pierce tells the techs to wipe Bucky’s memory, because he doesn’t want Bucky’s thirst for Captain America’s hard cock interfering with Pierce’s plan to murder literal millions of people. I know y’all think I’m making this up, but I’m not. I took intro to lit theory. I know how to read between the lines. All signs point to Steve and Bucky being madly in love with each other, and I will preach their totally homo connection until my death, which will probably happen in the movie theater when I

go see “Captain America: Civil War” at midnight in May. ‘Til the end of the line? More like ‘til the end of the rainbow. — Stucky Trash is a sophomore majoring in LARPing

Well tough shit, heteros, Steve and Bucky are gay

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FAN

Pipe Bomb, April Fools 2016

FAN FICTION:

S*nic walked in to the room and put his keys on the kitchen table. “T*ils ?” He called, wondering just where his roommate and friend T*ils went. He went to the bathrrom and looked into the mirror. He was looking very blue today. Not blue like sad but blue because he was blue the color. His spikes were extra spikey and if he was honest he would say he looked very hawt that day. A blush colored his cheeks and he hoped T*ils was home so he could

see S*nic. Secretly, S*nic had a crush on T*ils and he cried almost every night because his heart hurt and he thought T*ils was dating S*lver. S*nic sighed and his lips went into a pout but he rembered T*ils might be home so he smiled. He walked to his room but then he heard a noise coming from T*ils’s room like he was hurt or something. S*nic jiggled the door handle and it was locked but T*ils maybe couldn’t get up, S*nic thought, and so he kicked the door really super hard and it opened because his legs were so strong (from running). T*ils was under the covers and his face was really red and he was sweating. “O-o-oh… S*nic? Ahh oh uhm hi ^^;;” T*ils’s voice was shaky and he laughed. “Are you okay? :OO” S*nic was worried and he went closer to T*ils and screamed NOO!!!!!11 anwd hid under the covers. S*nic

7 Ex-Bush staffer 41 Half and half 56 Lift up the Fleischer 44 __ Cajun: slope 8 Like cola, University of 57 Capitale on the drinkwise LouisianaTiber 9 Light tan Lafayette athlete 58 Got down 10 Place of 46 Hostile to 59 Old Venetian archaeological 49 Grannies magistrate interest 50 Happy 60 Many 11 Beat it 53 Like drinks in a entertainers 12 Slugger who cooler have big ones rivaled McGwire 54 Religious 61 Windmill part 15 Gymnast Kerri offshoots 64 Tiny taste 18 “__, Brute?” 55 Nevada border 65 Horror film 19 TV colonel with lake director Craven heroes 24 Actor Estevez ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE: 25 Steering linkage connectors 27 Sign of summer 28 Prefix meaning “recent” 29 Cruelty named for a marquis 30 Trampled 31 Spanish river 32 “The Swiss Family Robinson” author Johann 33 Sad-sounding auto? 34 Name on a razor 35 Mil. recruiter at colleges 39 NFL Hall of 7/17/07 xwordeditor@aol.com Famer Dawson

xwordeditor@aol.com

By Stella Daily and Bruce Venzke

RELEASE DATE– Friday, April 17, 2009

Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis

7/24/07

ACROSS 1 Butterfly units? 8 Home in the Alps 14 “Again ...” 15 Rock salt 16 Step in a pizza recipe? 18 Cotton plant originally from Peru 19 Tranquility 20 Simpson dad with a dozen donuts? 24 Floor covering 27 November winners 28 Suffix with Caesar 29 Touchy? 32 Milo of “Barbarella” 34 Broadcast 35 Hook’s mate in his formative years? 39 Pooh pooh-bah 40 Farmer’s concerns 41 Paul who played the principal in “The Breakfast Club” 44 Dander 45 Filmdom’s Lupino 48 AOL rival 49 Headline about carpentry work for a new financial institution? 52 “Awakenings” Oscar nominee 55 “Must’ve been something __” 56 Classic breakup line, and a hint to the formation of this puzzle’s theme answers 61 Brunch fare 62 Actor whose birth name was Aristoteles 63 Thermometer, e.g. 64 Gold or silver DOWN 1 One in Tarzan’s family tree?

2 Routs 3 Chart again 4 Cockney anticipation? 5 Muscular doll 6 Satisfy the munchies 7 Tempest 8 “Ageless Body, Timeless Mind” author 9 Saintly ring 10 Father-daughter boxers 11 Dynamo 12 Quartier d’__: July/August Parisian festival 13 Some NFL receivers 17 Dogs in shoes? 18 21st Greek letter 21 Enthusiastic agreement 22 Chemistry Nobelist Otto 23 Fit for service 25 Sailor’s heading 26 Crossed (out) 30 City with a view of the Laramie Mountains 31 Allen and Burton

32 Chaplin’s last wife 33 Film buff’s station 35 Suffers 36 Assimilates 37 Actor Estrada 38 German town 39 Vegas’s __ Grand 42 __ dictum: passing remark 43 Old-timey “not” 45 Bo Diddley hit 46 Loathe

47 Lime ending 50 Western omen 51 Grocery section 53 Env. contents 54 Manhattan area above Houston Street 56 Lex Luthor’s 200, and others 57 Datebook abbr. 58 Chi.-based flier 59 “__ been had!” 60 Scot’s topper

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE:

xwordeditor@aol.com

04/17/09

62 Actor whose birth name was Aristoteles 63 Thermometer, e.g. 64 Gold or silver DOWN 1 One in Tarzan’s family tree?

Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle

Aristoteles 63 Thermometer, e.g. 64 Gold or silver

04/17/09