Issuu

Teacher Tantrum

Ball Don’t Lie, But We Do

Robots n’ Stuff

Cultural Appropriation

Marie details Teacheritis spreading at Pinewood, as teachers abandon duties and sanity in search of a cure.

Braxton covers the cancellation of academics, betting naps and LeBron highlights will win a championship.

Esha exposes the A/V class’s secret filming operation, turning Pinewood into their unwitting reality show.

Addison denies the theater kid accusations...despite loving musicals, showmances, & random song bursts.

READ MORE ON PAGE 9

APRIL 1, 2025

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Panthers to Pythons: Pinewood Detours Down Under

RIYA CLAPPA Staff Applauder

It’s official: Pinewood Upper Campus is moving from the sunny hills of Los Altos to Down Under. From a land of pinecones and turkey trots to a land of beaches and kangaroos, Head of Upper Campus Eve Kulbieda is relocating Pinewood to Australia as part of the school’s new renovation plan. If you haven’t heard about it yet, our administrators have been planning for a full-blown campus renovation starting in 2028. This is the reason Pinewood hasn’t hosted any school dances outside, as they were still trying to get permits approved. Recently, however, Kulbieda brought up that tearing down the campus and completely reconstructing might take too long, suggesting an alternative instead: Pinewood should completely relocate its Upper Campus to Australia. This way, Pinewood doesn’t have to wait multiple years to get the permits approved and can relocate the whole campus before the start of the next school year. “Bro, I’m so sick and tired of having to wait for these dumb permits to get approved,” Kulbeida said. “I just can’t do it anymore, so I’m taking matters into my own hands.” Since Kulbieda is Australian herself and used to live there, she believes in Australia’s power to help Pinewood thrive even more. She has taken it upon herself to edit the WISCR acronym as the first step in transitioning to the new environment. “W for ‘won’t you be more fearless if you are exposed to deadly animals?,” I for ‘I am bloody livid,’ S for ‘scarfing down Vegemite,’ C for ‘can’t you see that Australia is better than America,’ and R for ‘riding kan-

Photo by BILLY JEAN-NOT

KULBIEDA bows to Pinewood’s new school mascot, Karl the Kangaroo.

garoos’,” Kulbieda said. The new campus will be partly in a forest and partly underwater. The underwater part will consist of an underwater Snack Shack with sharks serving food and an underwater Turkey Trail with poisonous tarantulas, so students have to swim for their prize. The forest will be home to snakes, poisonous spiders, and aggressive koalas. “This design will help students build bravery, as they will have to figure out how to dodge these dangers while

learning, which is important because obstacles are just a normal part of life,” Kulbieda said. Kulbeida has hinted at curriculum updates as well, such as the introduction of two new courses: “Swimming with Sharks” and “Holding Your Breath Underwater.” In addition, the physical education department plans on teaching students how to fight emus in case they attack, a new form of exercise that will undoubtedly build character. To better adjust to the new culture, Kulbieda has also issued a statement requiring students to speak in an Australian accent. This new policy will be implemented in all literature classes, where students are to read aloud in an Australian accent. “I better be hearing ‘naur’ instead of ‘no,” ‘hellaur’ instead of ‘hello,’ and ‘windaur’ instead of ‘window’,” Kulbieda said. Kulbieda said that one of the biggest benefits of moving to Australia will be the infinite supply of fairy bread, an Australian snack that consists of white bread coated with full-fat butter and drenched in thousands of sprinkles. This will be served for lunch daily in the underwater cafeteria. “I am more than positive that the health benefits of this meal will cause our students to score even higher in school and will lead to them having a brighter, more successful future,” Kulbieda said. Although the move will be a significant change for Pinewood students, it is evident that this new journey will only lead to a more dangerous and challenging academic career, and who wouldn’t want that? “Get ready for the ride, Panthers,” Kulbieda said. “Pinewood is moving down unda!”

Sugar-Coated Control: Sanchez’s Sweet Plot for Student Compliance NONA BRUZZELL Staff Huzz

Candy wrappers stuffed in their pockets. Chocolate lingering in the corners of their lips. Keen parents may have noticed something awry with their children as of late. At pick-up, students gush eagerly about what they learned in their classes that day, but then quickly recede into their own world, content with focusing on their history project or literature annotations. Upon arrival at home, students quickly rush to their rooms, not to scroll endlessly on their phones, as a parent may expect their teenager to, but to work tirelessly on homework. Similarly, some perceptive students have observed that, first thing in the morning, the candy jar in Upper Campus’ front office is always brimming with sugary delights. However, later on in the day, these students may realize that the candy jar has become conspicuously empty. While the average teenager may peg this as the common student’s insatiable desire for sugar, the most astute teens will begin to put two and two together, arriving at a far more sinister conclusion: Pinewood is using candy to manipulate students into enjoying school. And the ringleader of this whole operation? Upper Campus Office Manager Andrea Sanchez. When asked about her involvement, Sanchez revealed, in a secretive whisper, that this idea had come to fruition after numerous complaints from teachers. “For many years, Upper Campus teachers have protested their students’ inability to pay attention in class,” Sanchez said. “So, we faculty and admin have finally decided to take action against this problem. No longer

Photo by GABEYONCÉ

What’s really in that candy jar? Only SANCHEZ knows...

shall we be interrupted and disregarded by students! We will take back control!” Emboldened by this powerful display of emotion, Sanchez immediately ran away to refill her candy jar, just in time for the lunchtime rush.

As a result of this sugary plot, teachers are already noticing enormous shifts in their students’ behavior. High school history teacher Sophie Williams, for example, now feels more respected in her classroom. “Students don’t fall asleep or play games on their iPads anymore when I lecture,” Williams said. “They actually listen to me when I’m talking! It’s amazing!” While this scheme is a blessing for faculty, there is another, more devastating, side to this story. This is, of course, the lives of the students, which have been irreparably altered by these new desires to focus more on schoolwork. Sophomore Kelly Anne Tu has been eating candy from the office candy jar for years. Before the introduction of the new candy, Tu used the office’s Jolly Ranchers and lollipops to spite her teachers, proudly displaying her green tongue in retaliation whenever she was called on. But now, Tu’s consumption of candy makes her a model student. “I remember that I used to hate going to school,” Tu said. “But I can’t figure out the reason why because school is fantastic! We get to learn so many wonderful things while being surrounded by amazing sweet treats!” The worst part of this whole ploy is that once students have begun to enjoy school, they show no signs of wanting to return to their old way of life. But is a desire to learn truly worth the loss of a student’s personality? The next time that they reach for a piece of candy, students should consider if they genuinely value outstanding academic achievement over their own individuality.