Issuu

Pine Press

June 30, 2005

Oh, Ted!

Next Issueâ€™s Theme:

TED DANSON (Superhero)

Send Ted Danson stories, Ted Danson essays, Ted Danson fan-fiction, Ted Danson fantasy pilot scripts, Ted Danson pictures, Ted Danson memoirs, Ted Danson compatibility quizzes, Ted Danson comics, Ted Danson film reviews, Ted Danson trivia, Ted Danson hagiographies, Ted Danson, Ted Danson appendages, Ted Danson brochures, Ted Danson murals, lipstick-stained Ted Danson scrapbooks, Ted Danson hair, Mary Steenburgen, Ted Danson event announcements, and Ted Danson erotica to pinepress@gmail.com by July 14 to have them included in our Ted Danson (Superhero) themed issue. S

From the Editor... "Cinema." Right. Movies. I hate movies. I hate film, I hate cinema, I hate movies. I don't discriminate. I hate indie, I hate corporate. I hate surrealist, I hate French New Wave. I hate G. Lucas, I hate P.T. Anderson. I hate movies. Such total crap. I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? Is that it? Have you ever watch ducks before? I'm pretty sure they're more interesting than any movie I've ever seen. Take David Lynch. I enjoy complicated novels, complicated music; I like lollipops, I like butter. But complicated film -- where's the reward? It's just as boring as every other kind of movie and you don't get nearly as many lifetime achievement points as would reading, say, Ulysses, or Where the Wild Things Are. Can I, as a rational human being with ducks to watch and toast to butter, really be expected to sit through the torture exquisite that is this man's catalog? My price is eight dollars an hour, and I think it's a fair one. This is what I am paid to barely entertain myself in eight hour stretches at a certain convenience store. Now, of course when I said I hated movies, I wasn't talking about delightful family comedies like Three Men and a Baby, Three Men and a Little Lady, Dad and Cousins, no, not about Pontiac Moon or even TV movies like Gulliver's Travels. Obviously everybody likes Ted Danson. I mean, he promotes electric cars on late night talk shows for Godsake! I don't know how you could even begin to infer that I was talking about Ted Danson. Get your head out of your ass! And then submit pieces for our next issue Ted Danson (Superhero) to pinepress@gmail.com by Tuesday July 12. But only after you get your head out of your ass.

And now: The McCarty Fine Print

The Pine Press is the bi-weekly newsletter of the MSU Student Housing Co-Operative (SHC) 541 Grand River East Lansing, Michigan 48823 517-355-8313 coop@msu.edu http://www.msu-shc.coop/

Board of Directors: Bower: Liz Deluca Elsworth: Fred Longacre Ferency: Annie Wilson Hedrick: Jack Langdon Miles: Mike Spradlin Mosier: Steve O’Connor New Community: Laura Western Orion: Will Roland Phoenix: Samantha Letvin Raft Hill: Dustin Hunt Toad Lane: Natalya Apostalou At-Large: Aaron Mosier

Executive Committee:

President: Arjun Jayaraman Executive Vice President: Ross Eames Vice President of Membership: Karon Hampton Vice President of Education: Mike Langdon Corporate Treasurer: Jess Dalman

SHC Staff:

One Who Runs the Show: Joan Bulmer All Around Good Guy: Evan Dayringer Mr. Fix-It: Stu Holmes

—Mike Langdon S

Contents:

2 Next Issue’s Theme 3 From the Editor 4 Point/Counter-Point: The Environment 5 Occupancy / A Haiku 6-7 Donnie Darko, A Review 8 Referendum Information 9 Read, Damnit: Excerpts Suckers Are Delicious, A Short Story 10-11 S

Point/Counter-Point: The Environment S

POINT

Fred Longacre

Why is there an interest protecting the environment? The viewssuch expressed ininPoint/CounterWhat has it done for us. sure, we all evolved on mother earth, but really, what has the Point are solely those of theOh contributors. biosphere done for us lately? We're here now, and we can do whatever we want. Send all letters to pinepress@gmail.com. And nobody remembers all the good stuff that can happen because we don't look out for the environment. With a lessened ozone layer, we'll tan in 30 seconds, so no more wasting hours tanning yourself. And with global warming, winter in Michigan will last a maximum of two days. Chemicals in our water and air? Who cares? All vitamins and minerals are are chemicals. So maybe some of them will be good for you-and the ones that are bad, maybe we'll mutate into comic book characters. Endangered species? More room for us on the planet. And when was the last time you saw a snail darter on the menu at a restaurant. Species diversity? Why? do we really need more than one type of any animal? Now, I'm not running down dogs and cats, but do we need more than one type of wild bird. If threy're in the wild, that means they don't taste very good, and who cares about them. Finally, if we were in such trouble with the biosphere, wouldn't it be doing something to us? You know, like hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis — stuff like that. And we know that stuff hasn't happened.

Ted Danson still loves the environment.

Fred Longacre loves you. No, not you. Why are you so egotistical? Geez. Get it together. Come on.

Point/Counter-Point: The Environment

COUNTER-POINT

Mike Langdon

come on, you don’t me to seriously — I mean, come on. Come on. It’s like asking me to The Oh, views expressed in expect Point/Counterargue against the existence of Ted Danson. There’s no argument, alright? Alright? Seriously. Environment on Point are solely those of the contributors. Enschmironment, alright? Send all letters to pinepress@gmail.com. Alright? Alright? Alright? Alright? Alright? Ok. Alright? S

Ted Danson — still Ted.

Mike Langdon is currently drunk.

Excitement, Adventure, Occupancy! To the right are occupancy numbers as of 6/27/05 for each SHC house for this summer and this coming school year. These numbers reflect spots available — some houses do have more people currently signed who would like to be released, so those spots are shown as open even though they are currently filled by people who don’t want to fill them. Should I start over? Did that make sense to you? That didn’t make sense to me. I was just trying to show you some numbers, maybe get you enthusiastic about how well the system is doing, but maybe also simultaneously, encourage you to recruit for the remaining spots. Remember, each school year spot you fill is another gold plated toilet for the Phoenix House. And we go through those like sledgehammers through chickens, if you know what I mean. So what I’m trying to say is, let’s fill these fourteen spaces, because it’s clearly what Ted Danson would do in a similar situation. Now look below at the haiku.

This haiku was created by Kat and Natalie at

Occupancy Summ School ! er year spots spots (Not) Atlantis Bower

0/17

17/22

13/18 18/18

Elsworth 11/21 15/21 Ferency Hedrick Miles

4/7

9/9

13/15 15/15 5/5

6/6

Mosier

17/18 22/22

New Comm.

11/11 15/15

Orion

12/16 20/21

Phoenix

19/20 28/29

Raft Hill

10/10 12/12

Toad Lane

3/3

5/5

Donnie Darko Didn’t Star

TED DANSON But Probably Should Have S

Steve O'Connor

A common cinematic theme is the science fiction concept of time travel. The recent director’s cut re-release of Richard Kelly’s 2001 opus, Donnie Darko provides viewers a film transcending science fiction, creating its own sub-genre- that of the philosophical sci-fi comedy with a theological twist. Set in suburban Virginia during early autumn 1988, Donnie Darko effectively captures the stresses of Donnie’s (Jake Gyllenhaal) presumably upper class parents, Eddie (Holmes Osborne) and Rose (Mary McDonnell) and the mystifying conditions, which simultaneously torment and entertain Donnie. During Donnie Darko’s opening minutes we see a young man, Donnie, open a refrigerator door hung with a sign whose cryptic message reads, “where's Donnie?”. Indeed, where and perhaps more important, when is Donnie’s existence? Where plot devices are concerned, the theoretical statements Donnie poses to all who enter his sphere of influence, in my opinion are well developed representations of the Socratic learning method- whereby, through a series of questions and answers, the “teacher” instructs the “student” and the “pupil” teaches the “mentor”. For example, consider the conversation between Dr. Monnitoff (Noah Wyle) and Donnie. In giving Donnie a copy of Roberta Sparrow’s (Patience Cleveland) book, The Philosophy of Time Travel, Dr. Monnitoff tells the ever inquisitive and knowledge starved Donnie, “…don’t tell anybody that I gave you this (Sparrow’s book), but the woman who wrote this used to teach here. She was a nun many years before that, then overnight she became this entirely different person”. Donnie, goading Dr. Monnitoff into a debate asserts, “if god controls time, then all time is pre-decided. Every living thing follows along a set path, and if you could see your path or channel, then you could see into the future, right? Like, that is a form of time travel.” I imagine that in any situation, academic or otherwise, Donnie’s intellect would certainly intimidate me, just as it intimidates Dr. Monnitoff. To appreciate a film like Donnie Darko, whichprovides symbolic elements of purification (water andfire), you must abandon any pre-conceived notions you have about what makes science fiction, science fiction. If you expect cameos from science fiction characters like Doc Brown, or if you like The Matrix, then you might not enjoy Richard Kelly’s film, Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko is not the garden-variety science fiction film you may have seen before. What Donnie Darko is, is a modern fable centering on the familiar enough plot of a young man (Donnie), scared of a world that contains malevolent forces which he believes are conspiring against him. Perhaps, even the antichrist, disguised as motivational speaker, Jim Cunningham (Patrick Swayze) is involved. Some of cinema’s most recent intriguing characters, one of which, is the sleazy, smarmier than the stereotypical used car salesperson, Jim Cunningham, populate Donnie’s world. Although his screen time is short; however, Swayze’s smug self-satisfaction, which usually wins over audiences, is more than effective at portraying Cunnigham’s vile side. Intelligent, high quality films like Donnie Darko are not released as frequently as I would like and when they are, the sad reality is that even if they luckily receive a short run at an art theatre, it is more than likely that they see a straight-to-video release completely bypassing the local bijou.Through his song selections for Donnie Darko’s soundtrack, Kelly reveals himself an auteur of the highest order. The music Kelly uses in Donnie Darko effectively parallels the plot and provides excellent emotional accompaniment for guiding viewer’s reactions to onscreen events. The music used in both versions of Donnie Darko provides an excellent comparison point. At first, when watching the director’s cut edition, Kelly’s musical alteration is dismaying. In the theatrical release, Echo and the Bunnymen’s song, The Killing Moon plays during the opening sequence. However, in the director’s cut The Killing Moon is eclipsed by the addition of INXS’ song, Never Tear Us Apart. During one of Donnie Darko’s final scenes, Joy Division’s song, Love Will Tear Us Apart provides what I consider an incredibly effective bookend to events that have occurred and what is soon to transpire. Adding what I consider a nice touch, and homage to 80’s pop culture, Kelly references the music video for Tears for Fears song, Head Over Heels. Being head over heels is Donnie’s persistent state of mind. He is head over heels in love with his girl, Gretchen Ross (Jena Malone), in a struggle with his grip on reality and his place in the universe, and caught up in a mild sibling spat with his sister Elizabeth (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who over dinner one night, instructs Donnie to “suck a fuck”. Just like Donnie, I am unsure exactly how one would go about honoring Elizabeth’s suggestion, but nonetheless, it is an intriguing idea. Which is exactly what Donnie Darko is about — ideas, and how each of us can and does manipulate our reality to better understand our world and lead a fulfilling life. If you are a fan of philosophical movies like Waking Life, then Donnie Darko should provide more than adequate pleasure for your

There’s Always Work in the NonProfit Sector!!!

During Donnie Darko’s opening minutes we see a young man, Donnie, open a refrigerator door hung with a sign whose cryptic message reads, “where's Donnie?”. Indeed, where and perhaps more important, when is Donnie’s existence? Where plot devices are concerned, the theoretical statements Donnie poses to all who enter his sphere of influence, in my opinion are well developed representations of the Socratic learning method- whereby, through a series of questions and answers, the “teacher” instructs the “student” and the “pupil” teaches the “mentor”. For example, consider the conversation between Dr. Monnitoff (Noah Wyle) and Donnie. In giving Donnie a copy of NASCO is seeking a qualified Roberta Sparrow’s (Patience Cleveland) book, The Philosophy of Time Travel, Dr. Monnitoffweb tellsdeveloper the ever to redesign & add functionality to the NASCO inquisitive and knowledge starved Donnie, “…don’t tell anybody that I gave you this (Sparrow’s book), but the Family website. We expect that theshe new website woman who wrote this used to teach here. She was a nun many years before that, then overnight became this will define NASCO's "look & feel" so a all time entirely different person”. Donnie, goading Dr. Monnitoff into a debate asserts, “if god controls time, then is pre-decided. Every living thing follows along a set path,background and if you could see your path or then you in visual design or channel, corporate branding, could see into the future, right? Like, that is a form of timeas travel.” that in in any situation, academicisor well Iasimagine proficiency web development, otherwise, Donnie’s intellect would certainly intimidate me, just as it intimidates Dr. Monnitoff. desirable. To appreciate a film like Donnie Darko, whichprovides symbolic elements of purification (water andfire), you The scope of this project, along with a complete must abandon any pre-conceived notions you have about what makes science fiction, science fiction. If you expect forThe qualifications be downloaded cameos from science fiction characters like Doc Brown, orrequest if you like Matrix, thenmay you might not enjoy at <http://nasco.coop/hollyjo/NASCO-WebsiteRichard Kelly’s film, Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko is not the garden-variety science fiction film you may have RFQ.doc>. The initial deadline submissions is seen before. What Donnie Darko is, is a modern fable centering on the familiar enough plot offor a young man July 6are (two weeks from today.) Keep (Donnie), scared of a world that contains malevolent forcesWednesday, which he believes conspiring against him. Perhaps, even the antichrist, disguised as motivational speaker, Jim Cunningham Swayze) is involved. in mind that (Patrick designers need not submit a formal

bid at this time - we're just looking for interest and

Some of cinema’s most recent intriguing characters, one ofprevious which, is project the sleazy, smarmier than the stereotypical experience. used car salesperson, Jim Cunningham, populate Donnie’s world. Although his screen time is short; however, Swayze’s smug self-satisfaction, which usually wins over audiences, is more than effective at portraying If possible, I ask you personally to contact & Cunnigham’s vile side. Intelligent, high quality films like Donnie Darko are not released as frequently as I would encourage designers you to apply. you're like and when they are, the sad reality is that even if they luckily receive a short run at know an art theatre, it isIfmore unable to do so, feel free to forward any contacts to than likely that they see a straight-to-video release completely bypassing the local bijou.Through his song me, so I can spread the word. selections for Donnie Darko’s soundtrack, Kelly reveals himself an auteur of the highest order. The music Kelly uses in Donnie Darko effectively parallelsThanks! the plot and provides excellent emotional Go Team! accompaniment for guiding viewer’s reactions to onscreen-events. The music used in both versions of Donnie Darko provides an excellent comparison point. At first, when watching the director’s cut edition, Kelly’s musical holly jo sparks, alteration is dismaying. In the theatrical release, Echo and the Bunnymen’s The Killing Moon plays during North Americansong, Students of Cooperation the opening sequence. However, in the director’s cut The Killing Moon is eclipsed by the addition of INXS’ song, 805.892.COOP Never Tear Us Apart. During one of Donnie Darko’s final scenes, Joy Division’s song, Love Will Tear Us Apart provides what I consider an incredibly effective bookend tocell-734.717.2559 events that have occurred and what is soon to transpire. Adding what I consider a nice touch, and homage to 80’s pop culture, Kelly references the music video for Tears for Fears song, Head Over Heels. S

Being head over heels is Donnie’s persistent state of mind. He is head over heels in love with his girl, Gretchen Ross (Jena Malone), in a struggle with his grip on reality and his place in the universe, and caught up in a mild sibling spat with his sister Elizabeth (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who over dinner one night, instructs Donnie to “suck a fuck”. Just like Donnie, I am unsure exactly how one would go about honoring Elizabeth’s suggestion, but nonetheless, it is an intriguing idea. Which is exactly what Donnie Darko is about — ideas, and how each of us can and does manipulate our reality to better understand our world and lead a fulfilling life. If you are a fan of philosophical movies like Waking Life, then Donnie Darko should provide more than adequate pleasure for your ocular nerves and cerebral cortex.If you do not enjoy films that require rapt attention, I suggest watching Back To the Future. Steve O’Connor is America’s Sweetheart and will not eat your babies unless you ask him to.

Referendum Information

Arjun Jayaraman

Purchase of a house on 402/404 N. Hagadorn: Background:

This potential purchase is for the formation and support of a community cooperative and a workshop for SHC maintenance. The house on Hagadorn Rd could be leased to community members forming a new cooperative organization, and a large space under the house (but not in a basement) could be enclosed for a maintenance workspace. Community cooperative-Last semester SHC voted to revert back to its roots and limited membership to students only. The board voted not to ask any current members to leave, and all current non-students were grandfathered in. All members who are currently students will have to leave at the end of their student status; they were not included in this grandfather clause. This vote, along with the good fortune we had with selling Atlantis, led us to think that now is the time to set up a community cooperative to accommodate non students. Our suggestion is that a Community Cooperative be formed by a couple of our non students and that SHC help them get started by offering management services in renting up the spaces available, helping them with budgeting and accounting issues and having Stu perform minor maintenance on their house. The asking price for the house at 402/404 Hagadorn was $260,000. We bargained with the seller and they are willing to sell the house for $252,500. This house would be licensed for six people with four bathrooms. Parking will be provided for all residents. If SHC purchases the house, we will lease the living area to the community group and convert the space under the house to a workspace for maintenance storage and workshop. The Community Cooperative is way that we can give back to the East Lansing community. Maintenance workshop-SHC does not have a workshop for maintenance. Stu has several storage sheds around our properties for storage, but no where to set up saws etc for projects he is working on. Over the years we have talked about building such a workshop somewhere within SHCâ€™s holdings, but it has always been difficult for SHC to spend money on a workshop when there are always many other pressing needs that could use all our money. Stu currently uses his own personal workshop for SHC projects, but of course this will not be available for the next maintenance person we hire. The house on Hagadorn is partly supported by beams, the first level of the house open with a concrete floor but no walls. The current tenants park in this spot, but there are two driveways, one off Hagadorn and one off a side street, so this under-house space is not needed for parking. Purchasing this house would tackle two issues for us: it would provide housing for a non student cooperative and would provide much needed maintenance space for SHC. SHC could lease out the living areas but retain the maintenance space. We would set a price for the living areas but keep that price below market by â€œsubsidizingâ€? the new co-op, SHC would pay a share of the mortgage for this maintenance space. S

Note: The Ballot sets an upper purchase limit of $255,500 for this property. The purchase price for this house is $252,500. Pros: We acquire a new workspace and storage area for maintenance. We provide a community co-op for former SHC members and non-students in the community. This house would be licensed for six people with four bathrooms. If the community cooperative does not fill, we can use it as another SHC student house The purchase of this property fits into the current SHC budget Cons: The community co-op might not succeed and we might not be able to fill the house ourselves. The community co-op might not be seen as independent because we are leasing the house to them.

Read Fiction, Damnit: Excerpts S

The Pine Press publishes excerpts from published novels without permission on the following premises: 1. These small excerpts, while infringing copyright, can do nothing worse than help the sales of their sources. 2. These excerpts are literary reviews. 3. The authors will never ever see the Pine Press.

From Tropic of Cancer Henry Miller (Grove Press, Inc., 1961) It was this morning on our way to the Post Office, that we gave the book its final imprimatur. We have evolved a new cosmogony of literature, Boris and I. It is to be a new Bible -- the Last Book. All those who have anything to say will say it here -- anonymously. We will exhaust the age. After us not another book -- not for a generation, at least. Heretofore we had been digging in the dark, with nothing but instinct to guide us. Now we shall have a vessel in which to pour the vital fluid, a bomb which, when we throw it, will set off the world. We shall put into it enough to give the writers of tomorrow their plots, their dramas, their poems, their myths, their sciences. The world will be able to feed on it for a thousand years to come. It is colossal in its pretentiousness. The thought of it almost shatters us. For a hundred years or more the world, our world, has been dying. And not one man, in these last hundred years or so, has been crazy enough to put a bomb up the asshole of creation and set it off. The world is rotting away, dying piecemeal. But it needs the coup de grace, it needs to be blown to smithereens. Not one of us is intact, and yet we have in us all the continents and the seas between the continents and the birds of the air. We are going to put it down -- the evolution of this world which has died but which has not been buried. We are swimming on the face of time and all else has drowned, is drowning, or will drown. It will be enormous, the Book. the will be oceans of space in which to move about, to perambulate, to sing, to dance, to climb, to bathe, to leap somersaults, to whine, to rape, to murder. A cathedral, a veritable cathedral, in the building of which everybody will assist who has lost his identity. There will be masses for the dead, prayers, confessions, hymns, a moaning and a chattering, a sort of murderous insouciance; there will be rose windows and gargoyles and acolytes and pallbearers. You can bring your horses in and gallop through the aisles. You can butt your head against the walls -- they won't give. You can pray in any language you choose, or you can curl up outside and go to sleep. It will last a thousand years, at least, this cathedral, and there will be no replica, for the builders will be dead and the formula too. We will build a town around it and set up a free commune. We have no need for genius -- genius is dead. We have need for strong hands, for spirits who are willing to give up the ghost and put on flesh...

Suckers Michael Are Langdon Delicious

What Rob objects to finally is not so much the slowness, nor the cheapness. It is not those emphatic black roots inches beyond the scalp, nor those unambiguously teal and plastic track pants, ruffling with each shambling, rocking stride -- the entire body moving as one, side to side, this motion easier somehow than bending a joint. No, it is neither the front ass nor the back ass -- twin shelving units -- no. It is not even, as he had for some time been convinced, a matter of inefficiency: not the way she will choose an archetypal lollipop, with which she will compare each and every sucker in the box until she finds the very best ten to thirty -- always a multiple of five -- all the while sitting that double ass upon the convenience store floor. No. It is decidedly not her embodiment of Jewish stereotypes (insisting that these fifteen cent suckers are in fact ten, demanding free day-old bagels), the recognition of which stereotypes makes Rob blush an anti-Semitic blush. And yet perhaps it is the combination of these, when she chuckles that inapposite chuckle -though nothing is amusing, ever -- in every gap left by Rob in her cloying small-talk. Perhaps when she blithely overlooks the novel into which Rob has pressed his nose, asking about his summer plans, noting the quiet of the college town in its post-semester repose, and, no, really, the weather. Perhaps when she asks for the day-old bagels and doughnuts and he tells her again, no, he lives with twenty people and they'll want them, but she says, well how about just a couple and he thinks that two isn't so many but then she takes seven, so that when she finally waddles from the store, the words that he then shouts make even him uncomfortable. Perhaps when at three-thirty AM on a theretofore calm and easy night, she arrives to enact this entire routine, while Rob must sit alone behind the counter, desiring in his mind indifference, but finding only rage: utter and inexplicable. No, it is not this to which, finally, Rob objects, not an event in isolation, not the rage, not its causes. What he objects to finally when he works alone and she does arrive especially late to an empty store, goading him with polite greetings, this visit an exquisite re-enactment of each prior visit, holding up a sucker, turning it left, turning it right -- a thorough examination -- placing it in the sorted pile in a box of Caramellos in which she will eventually ferry her catch to Rob's counter, smiling that worried and blonde mustachioed smile as she asks if the night has been slow, countering each curt yes and no with another banal and leading interrogative. And when he works alone and when she does arrive, when he raps finger impatiently upon the counter, when he incrementally increases the volume of the stereo, when he reads the same sentence, when he reads the same sentence, when he reads the same sentence, looking up he finds her continued existence, looking down he reads the same sentence. When he works alone and she arrives, she does arrive to find him alone. When he works alone and she does arrive so very late at night, to find him alone in that store, when he sees logic in this sucker selection process -because who doesn't want thirty unchipped suckers? Suckers are delicious. When at three-thirty AM, she does arrive, and he does work alone, when she finds him there alone, when he looks down to read the same sentence, when she sorts through hundreds of suckers, when he turns up his music to a level uncomfortable for him, when she asks for two of four remaining bagels, when she chuckles through that chit-chat monologue, what Rob objects to finally is understanding. He understands her weight, her black roots, her desire for free bagels, her need for banal conversation, her requirement of the ideal sucker. He understands her. She makes sense. And this coherence is infuriating to Rob because how can he then blame her? She is a rational system. It's like being angry at a duck for swimming, flapping and eating your bread crumbs. The duck's not talking, the duck's not proposing a toast to Stalin. It's being a goddamn duck. When he did not work alone, when she arrived, he would hide himself in the bathroom with a book, or gallivant up and down the block for twenty minutes, all the while incensed at the effect of this compulsive fleshbag. Until tonight. Finally, he has objected to this understanding. He removed the bagels and donuts from the display case hours earlier, and when she does arrive at one-thirty AM to find Rob beside his bearded co-worker, Carl, she looks disappointed into the bagel case twice before plodding toward a cooler to examine individual sized cream cheese packets. Cream cheese packets. She picks one up, examines it, picks up another, compares it to the first. Cream cheese packets. Rob tries for the attention of Carl -- cream cheese packets! -- but he is talking to a customer. When Robs turns again to look she is placing Saccharin packets into her open purse; the cream cheese packets are not in her hands. Is she stealing cream cheese packets? The container is clearly marked thirty-five cents. There could be no mistake. Does she steal cream cheese packets? She turns his way, and he looks down, but grins. She walks past him to the candy aisle and he is grinning. She sorts suckers and his grin appears to have some involvement in the consumption of excrement. S

What Rob objects to finally is not so much the slowness, nor the cheapness. It is not those emphatic black roots inches beyond the scalp, nor those unambiguously teal and plastic track pants, ruffling with each shambling, rocking stride -- the entire body moving as one, side to side, this motion easier somehow than bending a joint. No, it is neither the front ass nor the back ass -- twin shelving units -- no. It is not even, as he had for some time been convinced, a matter of inefficiency: not the way she will choose an archetypal lollipop, with which she will compare each and every sucker in the box until she finds the very best ten to thirty -- always a multiple of five -- all the while sitting that double ass upon the convenience store floor. No. It is decidedly not her embodiment of Jewish stereotypes (insisting that these fifteen cent suckers are in fact ten, demanding free day-old bagels), the recognition of which stereotypes makes Rob blush an anti-Semitic blush. And yet perhaps it is the combination of these, when she chuckles that inapposite chuckle -though nothing is amusing, ever -- in every gap left by Rob in her cloying small-talk. Perhaps when she blithely overlooks the novel into which Rob has pressed his nose, asking about his summer plans, noting the quiet of the college town in its post-semester repose, and, no, really, the weather. Perhaps when she asks for the day-old bagels and doughnuts and he tells her again, no, he lives with twenty people and they'll want them, but she says, well how about just a couple and he thinks that two isn't so many but then she takes seven, so that when she finally waddles from the store, the words that he then shouts make even him uncomfortable. Perhaps when at three-thirty AM on a theretofore calm and easy night, she arrives to enact this entire routine, while Rob must sit alone behind the counter, desiring in his mind indifference, but finding only rage: utter and inexplicable. No, it is not this to which, finally, Rob objects, not an event in isolation, not the rage, not its causes. What he objects to finally when he works alone and she does arrive especially late to an empty store, goading him with polite greetings, this visit an exquisite re-enactment of each prior visit, holding up a sucker, turning it left, turning it right -- a thorough examination -- placing it in the sorted pile in a box of Caramellos in which she will eventually ferry her catch to Rob's counter, smiling that worried and blonde mustachioed smile as she asks if the night has been slow, countering each curt yes and no with another banal and leading interrogative. And when he works alone and when she does arrive, when he raps finger impatiently upon the counter, when he incrementally increases the volume of the stereo, when he reads the same sentence, when he reads the same sentence, when he reads the same sentence, looking up he finds her continued existence, looking down he reads the same sentence. When he works alone and she arrives, she does arrive to find him alone. When he works alone and she does arrive so very late at night, to find him alone in that store, when he sees logic in this sucker selection process -because who doesn't want thirty unchipped suckers? Suckers are delicious. When at three-thirty AM, she does arrive, and he does work alone, when she finds him there alone, when he looks down to read the same sentence, when she sorts through hundreds of suckers, when he turns up his music to a level uncomfortable for him, when she asks for two of four remaining bagels, when she chuckles through that chit-chat monologue, what Rob objects to finally is understanding. He understands her weight, her black roots, her desire for free bagels, her need for banal conversation, her requirement of the ideal sucker. He understands her. She makes sense. And this coherence is infuriating to Rob because how can he then blame her? She is a rational system. It's like being angry at a duck for swimming, flapping and eating your bread crumbs. The duck's not talking, the duck's not proposing a toast to Stalin. It's being a goddamn duck. When he did not work alone, when she arrived, he would hide himself in the bathroom with a book, or gallivant up and down the block for twenty minutes, all the while incensed at the effect of this compulsive fleshbag. Until tonight. Finally, he has objected to this understanding. He removed the bagels and donuts from the display case hours earlier, and when she does arrive at one-thirty AM to find Rob beside his bearded co-worker, Carl, she looks disappointed into the bagel case twice before plodding toward a cooler to examine individual sized cream cheese packets. Cream cheese packets. She picks one up, examines it, picks up another, compares it to the first. Cream cheese packets. Rob tries for the attention of Carl -- cream cheese packets! -- Michael but he is talking to ahas customer. When Langdon probably Robs turns again to look she is placing Saccharin packets into completely her open purse; the cream cheese lost it, as a writer. packets are not in her hands. Is she stealing cream cheese packets? The container is clearly marked thirty-five cents. There could be no mistake. Does she steal cream cheese packets? She turns his way, and he looks down, but grins. She walks past him to the candy aisle and he is grinning. She sorts suckers and his grin appears to have some involvement in the consumption of excrement.

Clearly...

...it doesnâ€™t get any better than the Visionary Committee! S

*In case you didn't catch that, Iâ€™m talking about you, Education Committee.